Saturday, March 31, 2012

the big question

it's in a parent's instinct to protect their baby.
it's natural to desire it to your very core that they never feel pain, or hurt, or devastation, or despair, or anything aside from safe and happy.

and she will fight it with all her might to be independent.
she'll fight you kicking and screaming to get hurt.
she'll go behind your back, when you're not watching and you can't possibly protect her,
and she'll fall.
and she'll cry.
and that pain will be the most unbearble moment of your life.
you will be heartbroken for her.

you will comfort her and tell her big girls don't cry.
and she'll get up, and now she's stronger because she fell.
she's learning from falling.
she's learning from crying, and getting hurt.

so the question is,
how much do you let her fall?
and how badly do you let her fall?

because, does she really have to learn on her own?
from her own experience?

how do you teach her that it's important to get a great gpa, but also to learn.
how can you teach her to be a leader, and set high standards and life goals for herself?
how do you teach her that grade school isn't everything, that there's more to that little bubble of high school popularity; that things that seem so very important right now, won't be?
how do you teach her that some boys are pigs, and she can say no?
and that if she doesn't say no the first time, she doesn't have to keep saying yes?
how do you teach her that she can have fun, but marijuana and alcohol won't get you too far in life?

how can you teach all of this, before she is heartbroken beyond repair?

how do you raise a child right, before they are grown into adulthood and set in their ways?

I've seen some heartbreaking things in my life,
and I don't know how to hide my daughter from them.

go ahead and say it,
i've got years before I have to worry.

but these 9 months have been speeding by
before I know it, baby amelia surprising me with her pregnancy announcement.
and i hope she won't be able to wait, because she's bursting with anticipation.

...just have to figure out the answer to my big question(s).

Monday, March 26, 2012


third trimester
we're finally here.

I've been loving all the extra movements.
two pokes in different places at the same time,
hard "notice me" kicks,
rolls and rumbles,
today, I felt one at the bottom of my tummy
poke out kicking my leg!

they are getting crazy!
sometimes I'm still surprised when she kicks.
sometimes I get really nauseous and exhausted.
most the time I can't make it through the day without wanting a nap.
I force myself to make it through it though.

Amelia Ray definitely commands attention.
it's alright though.
I like her attitude :)

I've read a bunch of different birth stories lately
I cry through most of them, don't worry.
it's a beautiful thing
I'm really excited.
out of my mind excited.
love that moment that I will get to hold her.
thinking about all the things I hope to be feeling gives me chills.

we've got some goals for the end of this week:
order the crib! (yes, we know which one we want, just been having some issues)
get started on our will (yes, we are writing one before the baby comes)
work on the nursery some more (yes, there's still a lot to do with our painted walls)
love each other (but that's an easy one)

also, I have another baby appointment next friday!
our last every-four-weeks appt. (then we're moving on to every 2!)
and also the big gestational diabetes test!
my doc is great about making everything chillax.

All I can think about is... less than 2 weeks til the 30 week mark
then I'm already 3/4ths the way there!
this is incredible.
whaddya do?

Sunday, March 18, 2012


week 27, also the last week of the second trimester!
things are still looking up these days
I've been doing trial and error with cushioning and sleeping comfortably.
for a while I was just sleeping on my back because that was the only way I could avoid cramping.
but now I realize I just need to be sleeping on top of a pillow.
not with it just supporting my belly or back,
but balancing in the center.

i had a terrible raging headache all day on friday and went to bed at 7.
10 hours of sleep!
it was marvelous, and I'm sure everyone appreciated it (esp. Jeremy)
we also went to see the Lorax this weekend. :)
we are so excited to have a little nugget so we don't feel like weirdos going to see kid movies.
it was wonderful! I love dr. seuss
and the morals in his wacky rhymes.
I pretty much want to buy all of his books for my babies!

so the picture of me above may or may not be in our painted nursery!
we're still awaiting the tree and the furniture and decor,
but I will surely post pictures in due time.
it is so beautiful!! :)
it has been SUCH a long haul,
since my husband is such a perfectionist when it comes to anything permanant on our house.
I can't wait to buy our crib!!!!
...I guess amelia's crib...

one thing I've realized about myself is how much I am changing.
I'm really trying to not say the word "hate,"
I keep thinking that somehow I'll be able to prevent my children from experiencing that emotion.
I'm sorely disappointed if the kids I teach aren't enthusiastic about the lesson I teach,
but I'm learning to approach teaching in different ways.
I'm more conscientious of the way I communicate with my husband,
if I tell him i love him enough, if I thank him enough, if i flirt with him enough.
if I'm really mad at him, or the situation, or at just the whole day.
I'm always checking my actions,
and wondering if I could explain my decisions to my baby.
if my decisions were the right ones, and if not, how could I possibly expect her to make right decisions herself if I'm not an example.
cognitive dissonance really spikes when you're considering your children.
I'm considering how I leave the world
what legacy will my children remember?
will I be the ornery perfectionist of a mother who had so many expectations
or will I be the kind of mother they could always count on and talk to about anything?

there's a million things that run through my head
that I would have never thought about a year ago.

when I was five, I was scared to ever be someone's mother.
I always thought that if someone broke into my house and we had to get away from the "bad guy"
I wouldn't be brave enough to protect my children,
which meant i didn't love my children enough.
and I wondered how anyone could ever be brave enough for something like that.

and now I am!
I think about how I would die for my kids.
I wake up in the middle of the night and cry thinking about losing them.
I cry thinking about their graduations, and missions, and wedding days.
I am more and more prepared for labor and delivery.
for the beautiful moment that I get to hold my daughter in my arms.
I think about if she can feel all my moods right now.
i think about what she's thinking about.

and all in 27 weeks.
and I wonder how much I will change in 13 more
aside from being more round.

in other note,
my belly button is pretty much an outie now!

Friday, March 16, 2012

five days of homemade love:

check out what the bodtchers had for dinner this week:

Monday: Buttered Noodles

 Tuesday: Hearty Black Bean quesadillas

Wednesday: Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Thursday: Fried Rice

Friday: Spinach Lasagna Rolls

seriously, these dinners might have looked easy (probably because they were)
but they took some serious dedication and planning and grocery shopping,
duties that I may or may not have ignored for most of our marriage.
(and may or may not continue to ignore after this...)

I don't think we have ever gone five days in a row without eating out.
this has truly been a successful spring break.

picture above is my happy and very full mr. bodtcher.
isn't he so very cute?

and now he is painting my baby nursery.
(yeah, completion date has been postponed to tomorrow...
we'll see about that...)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


yesterday, I finally finished and gave Jeremy his valentines present!

today, I can't help but feel that events in life always fall in place.
disappointing things that don't make sense always end up for the better.

how we didn't get our house, and that was so hard to accept,
but two months later we bought our enormous home in a great location, that was already babyproofed.
If we had gotten that house,
we would have already been running out of space with our new addition to the family,
and we would both have to deal with university student traffic everyday.

how I applied a million times to primary children's hospital, but never even got an interview,
but I got to keep my job with a flexible schedule that worked with my school schedule
and I got to meet this one cute guy I know...

how my bestest friend in the entire universe and I hardly talked for over year and I thought I was going to die from loneliness,
but I got to grow up and stand on my own
and then I got to get to know a new best friend who asked me to marry him.

sometimes I'm confused as to why we were chosen to be parents.
why am I not going to peru this summer for nursing study abroad?
why can't I finish out my senior year without extra responsibilities?
why can't I get my graduation trip and tour around europe, like I've dreamed about my entire life?
why can't I work for a couple years and apply to graduate school?
why do I have to learn to be a constant example for my babies?

I know it's a selfish train of thought; all of these questions revolve around me.
it scares me to death to love somebody this much and not even know her.

it's days like these when jeremy has to clean up the bile I threw up in our bed and tells me he'll have the baby room painted by tomorrow even though he works all day long, and he compliments my behind before he leaves, that things don't have to make sense.

it just comes down to one thing:
trust in the Lord

Monday, March 12, 2012

bebemooning in st. george

we love st. george
we love the sun
we love to hike
we love spring break.

so one last time before amelia makes an appearance:

it was a mad race down thursday afternoon to avoid traffic.
in our little prius,
we only used 2 full tanks to drive down and back and all around.
we stayed at a motel that night that jeremy was disgusted by,
and checked out the next morning, 2 days early because he was so furious.
we have our good times.

we did all the easy hikes, since you know, I'm almost 7 months preggers
zions, lower emeralds pool
showing off the belly.

weeping rock
and how I love waterfalls and my cute man :)

on our way back,
we stopped at a couple antique shops to shop around a little.
I got some cute earrings and a cute pair of heels for 3 whooping bucks!

laying out in the sun.
jer convinced me to go in the pool, which was freezing!!!
and he also got my hair wet a million times
after I asked him not to!

st. george temple
at sunset
and after sunset :)

we went to the saturday market at Tuacahn amphitheatre
and looked at overpriced artwork and jewelry and souvenirs.
did end up buying the cutest bows and headpieces for Amelia.
too bad I couldn't get two in every color (so we can match)...
spoiled, I know.

we also went to snow canyon, which was right by the theater
petrified dunes trail

belly is popping out right?
i've had a couple of people prior ask me how far along I am,
but this trip seemed to be filled with strangers asking about my pregnancy.
it was so sweet that everyone was so happy for us!

Pioneer Names:
you can't see the names super well, because jeremy wouldn't let me go up to take the picture.

that night, we went shopping I may or may not have gotten a little spoiled.

what a GREAT day to sleep in.
I think I'm always in a better mood when I get to sleep in with the hubby. :)

we went to visit the Brigham Young winter home
turns out one of his six wives was named Amelia!

it was a gorgeous home, with a wonderful spirit. :)
the picture on the left is an engraving on the inside of a tree split in half by lightning.
these men doctored it, and it's still growing strong with its two halves!

finally we went on one last hike in zions.
easy peesy riverside walk.
an elderly lady in the restroom told me how she's been on it a million times
and how gorgeous it was and how great it was I was getting some exercise!

um pretty much the coolest tree i've ever seen.

and this was pretty much us on our way home.
I may or may not have became a "little" grouchy and decided to sleep 3/4ths of the way home.
Jeremy was still nice to me and turned on my heated seat so I could stay warm and toasty.

here's to babymooning!


this week we had another doctor's appointment,
which of course went well.
amelia's measuring right up to size, with my uterus at 26 cm- right on the money.
her heartbeat is just as crazy as usual, which is perfect.
the medical assistant reweighed me after I begged to take off my jacket,
yeah I was two pounds lighter!
the doc says I can keep exercising, and recommended water aerobics. ha!

so I braved it up this weekend, tried on my swimsuit, and got in a pool.
I loved the sun in st. george, and so did my baby.
I think we could have stayed there for the rest of the pregnancy.

this week is spring break,
to which I have high hopes of getting ahead of the game in terms of school and nesting.
not sure if school will happen, but I will try.
and Jeremy has the baby room mudded, sanded and ready for paint!
(the paint has been sitting on my kitchen island for a couple of weeks now haha)
our base color is brown,
which means the the molding and ceiling will have to be repainted as well.
my wonderful friend/sister/kindred spirit Collette is going to help me with the detail painting
since she has artistic skill, and I do not.
I'm so excited to get it finished so we can start adding furniture!!

I can't believe my baby is 26 weeks old.
we've got under 14 to go.
that's only a little over 3 months
1 week of break
6 weeks of school
1 week of finals
and 6 weeks of waiting...
2 weddings to attend, maternity pictures, nesting, being enormous.

and then my life is forever changed.
how brilliant is that?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

when sky meets ocean.

remember my post about being impatient my whole life?
well that also means that I've learned to go get something myself whenever I wanted it.

and that means that I've started posting on my running blog again.
when I really want something, I will always get it.

Monday, March 5, 2012


week 25- that's 5/8ths of the way there.

to be honest,
my moods have been kind of out of control this week.
things that use to bother me, bother me an infinite amount more.
and pretending that they don't bother me (so I don't explode as the "crazy pregnant woman") has been much harder than it ever was.
sometimes I just feel like I'm pushed to breaking point
and I tell myself it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal
and I just can't stop crying.
it's a good thing I have a sweet husband that will listen to me cry about riduculous things.

these days I have been trying to keep it together by:
listening to old songs on repeat
cleaning my house and talking to myself and the baby
trying not to eat whenever I am bored (I'm at a weight gain of 21 lbs)
making lists that help me remember my life
dreaming up ideas to decorate my home with (including the nursery)
counting down the days til spring break (that's 3 days people! and I don't work this weekend either!)

it's been a week of firsts too:
first time someone told me I look big for how far along I am
I guess I just assumed you keep your opinons to yourself when you're talking to a pregnant woman,
but apparently someone thinks I am due next month because I am soooooooooo big!
(don't worry guys, I already got tons of reassurance from Jeremy that I look fine.)

first car bought as a married unit
if you know the bodtchers, they will talk about buying something and research the crap out of it and tell everyone about it for months and months (maybe years) before it actually happens.
my husband is no different- we've been talking about getting a prius since last summer,
we've gotten approved for a loan, we've test-drove many different priuses...
it's been a long haul.
we finally purchased one last Thursday!
it's dark grey, has leather heated seats, tinted windows, and it's just a beauty.
congrats to us!

first thread of kicks for daddy
Jer has felt a few kicks here and there, but it's kind of frustrating for him when he can't feel all of them.
the other day amelia was kicking up a storm (typical) and jeremy got to feel a huge thread of kicks all at once.
"she's going crazy in there! she's on crack!!!! it's all the sugar you've been eating!!"
probably true. but she really kicks like crazy all the time.
so glad she is big enough that someone else can feel her too. :)

first Sunday without my Jeremy
first sunday in a while I guess.
everybody has these once in a while, but I just hate going to church without my husband.
Jeremy has been training for on-call for weekends at work
so hopefully we can work out our scheduling when I go back to school next August.
and he's so great for having already worked 7 days straight (with another 4 more to go this week)
without complaining at all.
"you girls are welcome. I will do anything for you two"
but I hate it all the same.

and it didn't help that this lady my size told me that both her kids were 10-pounders.
holy cow, I am out of my mind terrified!
bargaining: 7.5 lbs tops. please!

and also, sorry to everybody who has been feeling like I am avoiding them lately.
I promise it's not just you.