Monday, July 30, 2012


okay, so you know when you have a baby and the second they fall asleep you run around to make a meal and you scarf it down because she's going to cry at any moment in time? and then your stomach hurts, and you feel like you never want to eat a meal again?

so take that analogy and use it on running. same story. you previously enjoyed running, but now because at any moment in time your baby is going to start crying, so you're pretty much sprinting the entire 3 miles, just wanting it to end end end. and then your legs hurt, and you feel like you never want to run again? so you try running at 6:30 in the morning, when the hubby is still home- gives you enough time to run, stretch, and shower. um, still never want to run again.

guess it wasn't the baby's fault.

Friday, July 20, 2012


we lost kickball.
I can't even talk about it.

yup. that bad.

some dissonance

for nursing school, I am required to obtain a TB skin test annually.
Amelia and I went in for my checkup this Wednesday.

In line, the woman ahead of me had darker skin, short hair, an accent that was foreign. She was dressed in a t shirt, loose pants, and had a cheap bag for a purse. the receptionist was bluntly telling her "well you are 40 minutes late for your appointment, so I doubt your doctor will see you." the receptionist is kind of ornery with this woman, and kind of works around her. She says, "well, even if the doctor can't see you, you still have to pay for this appointment. It was your fault that you were late. Oh, the computer also shows that you missed an appointment in April and in March, and that you failed to cancel 24 hours ahead of time, so you owe for those as well." The woman seems confused, and continues to wait patiently to see her doctor. finally the receptionist informs her that the doctor won't see her, but not before reminding her again that she was 40 minutes late. She walks out of the clinic without paying for her missed appointments. the receptionist rolls her eyes at me.

she then is much more courteous to me.

and then my heart breaks for this woman.
it's a strange feeling. I can completely empathize, because I felt like that woman was my parents my entire childhood.
Jeremy thinks I'm crazy for thinking so much. this encounter has been running over and over in my head. I can't sleep at night. what if she couldn't pay for those appointments? what if she has to work long hours, and that's why she missed her 2 other appointments? what if she didn't understand you had to cancel appointments, and maybe she thought that you could just walk in and see a doctor? what if she is sick, as she's obviously been trying to see a doctor, but she just can't get to a doctor?

on the spot, I realize how priviledged I am.
that my "man" didn't leave me when we found out I was pregnant,
that my daughter always has an adorable outfit on,
that my home is constantly under renovation,
that I drive a new, paid off truck.
that I know how the healthcare system works, so I understand I can dispute anything that is unfair.
that I can speak english fluently, enabling me to communicate effectively with few misunderstandings.

and I realize when I'm praying throughout the day, how few my struggles are.
and I am so thankful for that.
that my marriage is better than ever.
for financial security and a shelter to call home.
that I get to spend the summer watching my daughter grow.
I am grateful for a million things in my life.

there's just some cognitive dissonance when I encounter situations like these.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


yesterday evening, a handsome man took me out on a date.
I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, plucked my eyebrows, put on makeup, sprayed body spray, and wore dangly earrings and high heels.
he brought home a dozen roses and even compromised to dress up a little.

together, we packed up our little babe and shipped her over to uncle trav and aunt collette's home.

for 4 hours, it was just the two of us,
catching up on the last six weeks.
it was a first date all over again, except this time we were already in love.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

this weekend...

Amelia slept 8 hours for us on friday night. it was magical. Jeremy got done painting the office. We spent sunday morning in bed as a family. Amelia was actually awake for part of sacrament on sunday. Jeremy made us breakfast. and also, our parents told us they thought we were great parents. which meant a lot. :)

for your comic relief:

our love garden, week 11

you reap what you sow.




green tomatoes!

and our giant pumpkins!

okay, so we haven't really harvested any (besides zucchini),
but still.
it's exciting to watch our garden grow!!

Friday, July 13, 2012

5 weeks old

amelia is 5 weeks old today.


- I love watching her sleep. it's incredible to think about all the tiny organs funtioning perfectly inside her.

- I want to nibble on her chubby cheeks all the time.

- it drives her nuts when Jeremy and I kiss her to pieces.

- we have mastered bottled feeding. we can now officially have babysitters! also, I have discovered the greatness of nursing in bed.

- everyone always tells me that she has the most expressions they have ever seen on a baby. it's true! she has had attitude since she was in the womb! it never gets old.

- she has lost the top part of her hair, and now looks like a balding old man. a very cute balding, old man that is.

- she grew out of newborn diapers this week. and her newborn clothes are starting to become tight.

- exhaustion is a constant now, but I'm getting use to the random spurts of energy I get. it's incredible, I feel like I'm a teenager again.

- falling asleep with her on top of me is the best. we love our naps together.

- she has a habit of fussing and kicking me until I get out of my queen sized bed. so she can have the entire thing to herself (spoiled).

- I usually don't get to eat breakfast until 10 am, even though we're usually up by 7.

- sometimes she goes from being sound asleep to screaming her head off uncontrollably. we think she has nightmares?

- she is getting to be more alert during the day, and sleep longer during the night.

- I still wake up to every little noise she makes.

- her crying is still the cutest thing.

- and her big eyes. I love her big eyes.

- she has rolled over twice more from tummy to back. and she can support most of her weight when she stand her up.

- we can't wait for her nursery to be done!

- sometimes I threaten that she won't get any siblings if she doesn't stop crying. Jeremy thinks it's funny.

- she hates not being held. especially she is awake. held: not crying; not held: screaming. any tips?

- I giggle everytime she lets out a long toot or huge burp.

- she has long strands of sneezes, like 5 or 6 at a time. she got that from me.

- I love that she looks like a burrito in her swaddle me.

- She has a deathgrip in her tiny fists when she is nursing.

- I love her "zoombie arms" when she is dead asleep. :)

- I still can't believe what a miracle she is!


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

bliss, truly.

okay, so you know when you think about what would happen if you started dance lessons at a younger age? like you would probably have been a better dancer, and made dance company earlier, and maybe went on so you think you can dance and maybe became a professional dancer?

or maybe if you weren't so sheltered? you would probably have had better self-esteem and not have been so incredibly insecure and maybe ran for varsity cheer captain in high school and maybe won prom queen and sterling scholar instead of making bad choices just led to a downward spiral of lower and lower self-esteem?

or maybe just cool things like knowing how to sing and play the guitar in your sleep? or taking back every negative thing you've said to someone? maybe not totaling your car at 11:00 pm on a school night driving back from your crappy boyfriend's house in layton? or not quiting piano?

or just countless things you imagine in life and dream up differently, and somehow you are more sucessful and more happy? a better version of yourself and a better version of your life?

none of them work out for me anymore.

none of them work, because none of them would lead me to where I am now.
and that's absolute bliss,
in love with marriage and motherhood.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

it is july third, again

two years ago, today.
and look how far we've come.
still laughing and still so in love.

this morning I told jeremy to get on his one knee and propose to me again,
just for tradition's sake.
he didn't.

I can't imagine this journey of parenting with anyone else.
I hope our daughters get to marry someone like him,
and our sons grow up to be like him
(with less of a stubborn streak ha!)

I'm so glad we get to grow together everyday.
and I'm so glad we get to share this happily ever after.

i love you forever, jeremy ray!

in the middle of the night

it seems that I get most of my insights at 5:30 in the morning lately.
in the middle of the night, where I'm alone with millie and my thoughts.

yesterday, marks the first real day of frustration in my motherhood chapter.
the night before that terrible cramps and more bleeding had started, engorgement occurred from our trip to wyoming, all my joints were sore, and I had this massive headache. all the drove me to the point of taking a motrin (remember, I am not a medication girl).
the massive headache, the kind that holds a 7 on a pain scale where labor contractions are a 10, the kind that makes you kind of go blind, lasted all day yesterday.
but millie was good, she let me take a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.

jeremy came home from work and watched millie the entire night, and let me lie in bed, since sleep was the only thing that could take the edge off.
but every hour I had to wake up and feed my baby, who would be thrashing her head around and screaming in frustration, because her dad had waited until the last minute to try and give me the most rest possible.
and I'm using my warning tone, "amelia, you need to stop." my warning tone, not my soothing tone. and where did that even come from?
all the while I'm just muttering, "this pain is unreal. it is unreal"

so 5:30 this morning, I realize that my headache is gone. and I'm filled with guilt. all amelia really wants is food, her diaper changed, sleep, love, and to be held. that is it. and that's all I need to provide her with! She is getting so long, and filling in with rolls. these headaches won't last, and neither will these moments I get to feed her and feel her tiny rapid breaths next to me.

these moments won't last.