17 days

lately, I've had a lot of thoughts, and not a lot of time to organize them.

motherhood is incredible. like they always tell you. but not exactly how you expected.

My mother always told me about my huge, bright eyes when I was a newborn. how my grandma would always brag about them to company and visitors. and now my mom always talks about Amelia's eyes. they're giant, and oh so expressive. I look down at those eyes everytime I'm nursing, and something happens I can't really express. I'm crying as I'm writing this down. I watch those eyes grow heavy every couple of hours and I feel like she's growing immensely in my arms everyday.

In the middle of the night, when I can barely pull myself out of bed, I try to remember how this won't last. How fast she grows. How in a week and a half, we're going to introduce bottles, and millie won't be dependant on me for nourishment. I try to remember how she's already 17 days old. I try not to think about her driving, and going to college, and getting married. I try not to cry in the middle of the night, when I'm just looking down at those eyes, holding her, feeling her grow.

and then there are days, the kind of days that you tell stories about and laugh later down the road. days when I have to wash my bedsheets twice because of spitting up and accidents involving not putting a new diaper down fast enough. or when Amelia gets 3 new diapers in the matter of 15 minutes. or when I've done everything in my power, and Amelia is still crying crying crying. or when I realize my back feels like it's going to break because I'm trying to rock Amelia to sleep so often. or when I finally have to ask for help in the middle of the night, waking Jeremy up, because I can't take the crying anymore. or when nothing about my body feels the same- because there's so many changes from pregnancy, and pre-pregnancy that sometimes you feel so frustrated and helpless.

every decision we make around the house revolves around Amelia. when or if we leave for events, because she might get hungry on the drive, or during. How I plan my day with her sleep schedule (right now, I'm choosing blogging over laundry). When I can shower, do I have time to cook dinner, should we pick her up or let her fuss a little? Even such simple things like picking my outfit for the day, because is it convenient to nurse with it?

motherhood is oh so hard, demanding, exhausting. but it is incredible.

and to think, the only thing I knew about babies when Amelia was born was to support her head when I held her. It's amazing how natural motherhood is. 17 days. and it feels like I've never done anything except.

I just try to remember those eyes.

birthing amelia

short version:
My water broke around 4 pm on June 7th. We got to the hospital around 10 pm, and I was still 3.5 cm dilated. By midnight June 8th, I was only 4 cm dilated. At 2 am, still 4 cm dilated, I was started on a pitocin drip. By 4 am, with multiple dosage increases on the pitocin, I was only dilated to a 4.5. Dr. Thackeray arrived around 9:30 am to "rebreak my water" (still 4.5 cm). I had the most painful contractions for the next hour and a half, only to be dilated to a 5. The painful contractions continued and I progressed, and within the next hour my cervix dilated to a 9. I gave birth to Amelia Ray within the next 20 minutes at 11:41 am. all without pain medication, mind you.

very long version:
June 7th. it was a beautiful, ordinary thursday. I had had my "today is the day" mantra for weeks, and was planning my schedules only to the next day, just in case. I walked my 2.5 miles for the day, showered, worked on Jeremy's halloween costume (we are going to be the flintstones this year!), drove to murray for a hairtrim with my sister in law, melissa jane.

I had to be at the U for a SAC meeting at 3:30 (I was really hoping that I would have had my baby before then). during the meeting, I felt something wet in my underwear, and I knew for sure I didn't pee myself. because I had been losing my mucous plug for days now, I wasn't too concerned. but, it kept coming, slowly. when I went into the bathroom after the meeting, I realized I had soaked through my dress! I called jeremy on the way home and we agreed that I should call the on-call doctor. when I called the number, and the after hours obgyn message told me to go to the hospital if I thought my water had broke.

We have had a couple of previous false alarms. and really didn't want to get our hopes up. I was stuck between insisting that it was my water, and just playing it off that it was just in my head, that maybe I just peed a little (grr but I didn't!) So jer and I decided that I would go to my ward baby shower, and then head to the hospital afterwards. before I left, jeremy stares me square in the eyes and says, "if your water really did break, she'll probably be born tomorrow, which is our one year sealing anniversary." I smiled. we had planned a temple day for the next day to celebrate. I secretly hoped that we wouldn't make it- I mean, what's more celestial than giving birth?

The shower was great! The food was delicious, the gifts were so useful and helpful, and the ladies were all up for offering mommy advice to this new mom. I had advice ranging from getting enough sleep, to the best kind of breast pump, to delivery methods. I got in my car thinking how sweet all these ladies were and how fun that I got to get to know them better! I checked my phone and Jeremy had texted me, freaking out style. it was 9 pm. whooops!

I got home, and collette (who was over working on the tree), informed me that jeremy had been freaking out. I guess he thought my "water breaking" was pretty legitimate. I was still in denial, but loved how concerned this sweet guy was. jeremy carried our hospital bag and carseat into the car and we sped to the hospital. jeremy had this determined, nervous look on his face. we held hands and pondered in silence if our lives were going to be forever changed tonight.

10 pm. we arrived at the hospital, and the triage nurse evaluated me and monitored the babe. my water was legit!!! ...but I hadn't progressed any further than my 3.5 cm and 80% effacement. The nurse told me that I needed to progress steadily or I would have to be started on a pitocin drip; she said I could walk around for the next hour, but "walking to help progression is just a myth" (what!? I had been forcing myself to walk at least 2.5 miles everyday!!!!!!!!!) still, we were estatic. it was finally happening! our baby girl was actually actually coming, after 8 long months of waiting! jeremy called his mom, julie, who screamed her head off (she had an educational trip to boston planned from the 10th to the 17th, and was so worried she was miss the birth of amelia). I called my mom, who worried about how bad my contractions were, because of my broken water (I told her I wasn't even feeling most of my contractions yet).

After an hour of walking around the l&d wing, my night nurse came to recheck me. 4 cm. not much, but enough to avoid the pitocin for now. by the way, I so despise "getting checked." It's not just uncomfortable, it is so painful that it requires a good 10 minutes for me to recover. and I felt like I had to pretend I was fine, because if I complained about getting checked, boy was I in for a long night for my preferred unmedicated birth plan.

It was a little after midnight. june 8th had began. I decided I was too tired to continue walking, and I wanted to save my energy for active labor and the actual delivery. I was only having irregular contractions here and there. jeremy watched tv and I dosed off. my nurse came to check me again around 2 am. still 4. it was time to start the pitocin.

the dosage was started at 4 mL/hr. it was my first iv, ever. and it burned like hell. (see, with my wimpyness? I just thought for sure I was crazy for having an unmed preference). my nurse increased the dosage every half hour by another 4 mL/hr. by my second increase, I could feel regular contractions every 3 minutes. I told my nurse that they were about a 6 on a 1-10 pain scale. This was going off of my previous very super painful mentral cramps. at 4 am, I was rechecked again- 4.5 cm. the nursed increased my dosage again.

I had my first panic attack right about here. 6 hours at the hospital and I had only progressed 1 cm. plus I was on pitocin, which scared me. first, because I have pretty much avoided meds my whole life, and second, because everyone tells you horror labor contraction stories about it! my contractions were already pretty regular, and increasing in pain every time my dosage was increased. I was starving, and I really had hoped to labor mostly at home, be at the hospital for 3 hours tops before giving birth. Jeremy calmed me down pretty quick by saying the perfect things, and we tried taking another walk around the l&d wing. unfortunately, you have to have continous baby monitoring with the pitocin drip.

after that, I decided I just wanted to sleep. I remember briefly meeting my morning nurse around 7 am, and telling her my pain level was still a 6, maybe 7, before going back to sleep. between my night and morning nurse, my dosage was up to 16 mL/hr between 9 and 9:30 am.

and that's when dr. thackeray came in. he asked me how my contractions were. "painful, at like a 6" jer thinks he was pretty skeptical, since I was sleeping through all of them. he checked me again. and I was still at 4.5 cm. since I was only partly awake, I didn't understand this next procedure as well as I needed to, but essentially he had to "rebreak" or finish breaking my water. most girls describe having their water broken as a slight, painless pressure. NO. this was the most awful, painful, sharp thing I had experienced up to then. I almost cried, really. with tears in my eyes, I asked him what the plan was now. dr. thackeray is a such a calm, good-natured doctor, and he explained to me that my contractions would probably be coming a lot quicker and a lot more painful, and hopefully push me into active labor. and then, he left.

and my contractions started. most painful things I had ever experienced. no seriously. at one point I told my nurse "scratch my previous contractions being at a 6-7, they were only a 1. and these contractions are a 9!" I was trying my hardest to keep calm, to stay relaxed. jeremy was telling me to breathe, and massaging me in all the right places, just like we learned in lamaze. I can't believe I agreed to get up to walk through these contractions. when I sat down to urinate, I literally thought I was going to die from the pain in my crotch. I was shaking uncontrollably, and jeremy was on his knees reminding me to breathe. I started not being able to "just breathe" through my contractions, I had to moan. my morning nurse came in and asked me if I would like an epidural. I pretty much didn't look at her and said "please don't offer me that!" and then she kind of laughed and said "oh right, it says on your board- preference: unmed!" oh, I was so annoyed.

jeremy spent the next little bit, soothing me, massaging me, and telling me how strong I was, to just breathe, to focus on the orange dvd light, to progressively relax, etc. etc. etc. I spent the next little bit trying not to clench every muscle in my body, and to not cry. these minutes passed by soooo slowly. each contraction started with a lighter pressure at the top of my tummy and undulated painfully down to my crotch. my morning nurse came in at about 10 am, and told me that the anesthesiologist at a c-section at 10:30, so if I wanted an epidural this was the time to get it. I was too exhausted to be furious. all I said was "alright." she returned around 10:15, and told me that her other patient was dilated to a 10, and she had to be there for her delivery, so another nurse would be filling in for a little while.

at this point, I was having a few meltdowns, mostly from this mortifyingly unbearable pain. jeremy told me if I could just make it 15 more minutes, I was safe from the epidural, for at least another hour. my new nurse, heidi, came in and nicely asked if she could check me. I, of course, agreed.

5. 5 cm dilated after the most painful hour and a half of my life. I knew first time labors were long. this was when I couldn't stop sobbing. this was when I realized I couldn't go through with my birth plan unmedicated. there was no way I could survive this much pain and only dilate a half cm every hour and a half. no way. I started screaming that I needed my epidural, "I need it! I need it! I can't do this anymore!" jeremy's face turned pale, and I turned to look at the clock. 10:25 am. I had to go at least another hour, the anesthesiologist was in his c-section.

the next hour I went back and forth between screaming "I can't do this, I need my epidural" and "I can do this! I don't want an epidural!!! I don't want my legs to be numb! I don't want a cathether or an UTI! I don't want my baby to have a lower heartrate when she comes out!" and then I was just screaming. screaming bloody murder and crying my eyes out. I could NOT believe the pain!! heidi came in and told me to try moaning (not screaming) to help me breathe better. I tried it. pretty much I just ended up holding my breath to keep from screaming. jeremy suggested that I turn to a side-lying position to help with labor progression. the contractions worsen- I didn't know that was even possible! jeremy just kept talking to me, whispering sweet nothings like, "we'll get to take her on walks around the temple" and adding in the word "flaccid" whenever he could (what would I do without this guy?) I kept checking the clock to see how much time I had before the anesthesiologist would be done with his c-section.

around 11:15, I told jeremy "I think I need to push." out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure I said that before it registered in my brain that there was a burning down low, and my contractions were coming on top of each other so I never had a break from the pain. jeremy obviously wanted to call heidi to check me again. to which I irrationally sobbed, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! don't call her!! I don't want her to check me!!!!!!" I just couldn't take another 15 minutes without the epidural, and knowing I was only somewhere around 5.5. lucky for jer, heidi walked in right then. he automatically said "uhh, she says she feels like she has to push." I shot him a half-dirty, half-desperate look, and before heidi could say anything, I begged through my crying, "I don't want to be checked. please don't check me!!! please don't!!" together, heidi and jeremy calmed me through my distraught, delirious wailing. heidi suggested that I turn to my other side. I have no idea what her logical excuse was, because I knew turning was going to be the most painful thing to do right then.

I slowly inched to my back, and BAM! Heidi reaches her fingers up and checks me. before I could object or get furious, I realized I didn't feel any pain. heidi announced that I was dilated to a 9. A NINE!!!!! jeremy was in my face again, "A NINE, BABE!!!!!! YOU. ARE. THERE. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!" the contractions were coming worse than ever and I was still doubtful, still considering that epidural. (ha! there was no way I would have gotten it then with all my squirming!)

this is where things started becoming hazy. the lights were dimming, and it felt like I was going in and out of a brown haze. At some point, I was given an oxygen mask, because the baby's heartrate was too low. and then heidi was making me drink apple juice to increase the baby's blood sugar. and then an aide was in the room holding my left leg for me, and heidi was holding my right leg, and she gave me the O-K to hold my breath, chin down, and push as hard as I could for 10 seconds. and then, somewhere it was announced that I was a full 10 cm dilated. and then, heidi was telling me she can see my baby's head. she called for a mirror to be brought in, and paged over her walkie, "we need dr. thackeray in room 1, she is crowning, and we can see hair!" from this point on, all I can remember is pushing for 10 seconds at a time, 3 times per contraction. It felt SOOO good to push- I was finally doing something about these painful contractions, instead of just enduring through them.

(present tense) dr. thackeray enters, just as calm as ever (how I love this guy!), and instructs me when to push. at some point I give up on looking at the mirror because the lack of progression was so discouraging. at some point, I start feeling the burn. I knew this was it. this is where I knew I would be able to give birth how I wanted to. I was pushing as hard as I could. full 10 seconds, full 3 sets. heidi and my aide and jeremy were counting the seconds for me.

all of a sudden, dr. thackeray says, "liana, I need you to really push. that baby's heartrate is really low." jeremy tells me later that they have also paged the NICU nurses to standby. and then I'm pushing, as hard as I can. I am completely breathless. and finally, her head came out, wrapped around was the umbilical cord once. I did not feel the instant relief I was promised after the head was out. the baby's hand was coming out before her shoulders. this is when dr. thackeray tells me to give him a medium push (whatever that means!?) I think I just pushed for 5 seconds. and he gets her whole arm out, before okaying me to resume pushing. I swear all of this happened so fast.

the next thing I know, it is 11:41, and she is on my chest, purple, with her eyes open, not crying. everything was so surreal. jeremy couldn't stop saying, "you did it, babe!" and  I couldn't stop saying, "she's perfect! she's perfect! she's perfect!" Amelia Ray was finally here. in the flesh, in my arms. and of course, I am forever changed. and I feel infinite.

jeremy cuts the cord, and they take her, and instantly I feel a longing for her.

while they weigh her, dr. thackeray helps me deliver the placenta and sews up my 1st degree laceration. I ask where my belly went. and everyone laughs.

somehow, everyone slowly clears out. it's just Jeremy, Amelia, and I.

and the three of us share the most.perfect.moment of my life.

jeremy, the most perfect dad ever, starts crying.

it is a silent, beautiful, peaceful, sacred, indescribable moment.

we are family.

and that hour passes by too quickly. heidi helps me up to the bathroom, and assists me with the transfer to the maternity wing. I thank her for being the best nurse a girl could ask her. she is such a sweetheart!







I still look at Amelia and can't imagine that my body grew her. She is the most beautiful baby, and sometimes I cry, just staring at her. I am so thankful for an amazing life partner in jeremy, and I am so thankful for our little family. I wrote down everything I could remember about June 8th, but I will never be able to describe to you how I felt. I will never be able to express in words the moments I first became a mother.

she has her daddy's hair, receding hairline and all.

and our first family pictures.

moments

my dearest,

we are caught in the moment between
where i am yours and you are mine and
where part of our hearts will be ripped and divided and shared with another.

any moment can push us to where we're no longer in between.

we will make many,
and grow many,
with our love.
you and i, together.

you will keep soothing my fears away,
and i will keep helping you speak,
and together, we'll keep planning our future,
day by day,
everyday
til we're old and grey.

every moment with you, i will cherish
i believe in forevers
every moment with you,
just you and i.

i vow to this life to you
no matter how long and how hard and how scary.
i promise to trust you
if you promise to forgive me
through all the changings of life.

caught in this terrifying tmoment,
right before the next,
there's no one i'd rather have,
holding my hand.

i love you eternally,
your mrs. bodtcher

38

didn't think we'd make it,

but I guess we did.

I've been spending my days in lounge wear,

and wondering what I'm forgetting.

(I must be forgetting something if she's not here yet).

all the while, still walking and walking.

we had an intense night on memorial day.

2 hours of contractions:

3 minutes apart, lasting for an average of a minute each.

almost went into the hospital,

but decided to take a bath first.

BAM. contractions just stopped.

haven't had anything patterned since then.

my wednesday checkup confirmed that I'm still making progress,

but my hopes of her coming this weekend are definitely diminishing.

in the meantime,

my legs and hands are still swelling,

my stretchmarks are growing,

my patience wears thinner and thinner as it grows hotter and hotter,

and I've been filling my time with idle crafts around the house.

one of these days we'll get to meet miss amelia.

one of these days, I will be a mommy.

patience

so we had another doctors appointment today.

and I'm feeling a wee bit disappointed. I've only progressed another cm (to a 3), and still only 70 percent effaced. At 37 weeks and 4 days, that's excellent. Most women can only dream about being this far, especially for their first! so I am trying to tell myself to think positive, think positive, think positive, and keep walking. The waiting game is just awful, and of course the last couple of weeks have not been comfortable. Despite it all, we are still hoping for this friday. I'll even settle for this saturday. :)

37

dear amelia ray,

we made it to full term!

this means you should come out to meet me, and daddy, and everyone else who loves you!

hopefully this is the last week to week update. :)

we had a doctor's appointment on monday

I was dilated to a 2 and 70 percent effaced!

we are progressing so well!

dr. thackery says that he will check us again next wednesday, "if you don't come before then!"

honestly, I was hoping you would come out thursday night

(we were having some patterned contractions out here!)

but now you have to stay in for the weekend,

because dr. thackery is on memorial weekend vacation!!!

ahhhhhck!!

your daddy has been grateful for every extra day you stay in,

since he's been frantically trying to finish our painting project.

he works so hard because he loves you.

he's even letting your grandparents come to help him on memorial day!

we're also having some panicky dreams out here.

our birth plan is to just have daddy and I present for your birth,

the last couple of nights I've been dreaming of literally everyone coming to visit during labor.

extended family, friends, strangers I meet at the store

your dad has woken up to me screaming "seriously!! get out of my room!!!"

and everyone will just have conversations over me!

it's giving me anxiety, darling.

this week when your dad was soothing you in our bed,

you kicked his hand three times hard.

"three times for i love you"

we are so ready to hold you and kiss you and love you.

xo,

mommy

showered by our places we labor at

Jer and I got to attend both our work showers together!

shower from canyon creek:

(I've worked here for almost 3.5 years, and this is where our love story began)

don't worry,

I am pretty much a professional at making awkward faces for shower pictures...

cute tub and darling outfit from the DON, Anne :)

walker from sandi, randi, and jeannette!

(ps. if you didn't know,

Jer fell down the stairs in a walker when he was a baby. ha!)

I've always been dedicated to my job;

I can't hardly believe I will be closing this chapter in my life.

but I guess it just means I get to start a new chapter,

one that I will never have to close.

shower from Curo:

(Jeremy has worked here from almost a year,

and pretty much everyone just adores him!

what can I say, I married a sweetheart!)

it was ladybug themed...

and amelia got the cutest ladybug dress that she will be wearing next summer!!

we're pretty cheesy

one of jer's co-workers had her little boy about 2 months ago...

and he is just the most darling thing!

holding him just made me want my amelia to come out NOW! :)

and doesn't jer just look like a pro dad already?

there weren't any pictures,

but amelia got the CUTEST neon pink polka-dotted swimsuit in the world!

oh I about died!

I guess there will be no excuses for her to not go out to the pool this summer :)

also, one of Jer's patients also made us the most darling quilt ever

(apparently, he was her most favorite nurse! of course...)

thank you to all the ladies we work with,

who planned and threw these cute showers for us and our baby girl!

we are lucky to know and to be loved by you!

showered by a group of girls who grew me

a couple weeks ago my sister collette and her mom luann

threw me a goregous tea-party themed shower

don't they have the most amazing taste and sense of style?

all the details were so perfect and classy.

thank you ladies for all the words of advice and confidence in motherhood you have in me.

thank you collette and luann for such a lovely party.

and thank you to friends who have mailed and visited with gifts and love for baby amelia!

36

well here we are at week 36.

I have this baby app on my phone

I remember when i was at week 12

and I would always scroll down to week 36 and just laugh at how far away that seemed.

and now my baby is the size of a crenshaw melon.

baby amelia is moving all the time.

and I'm still doing pretty well with sleeping through the night.

(bizzare, right?)

I'm really not complaining, I promise!

It could just be the exhaustion...

Jeremy told me that last night he came to bed

(when I was already asleep)

and put his hand on my belly

and she was just moving around like crazy for about a 1/2 hour!

and I didn't wake up ha!

speaking of exhaustion,

things are a lot bigger of a deal when you're tired.

trust me:

when in doubt, go take a nap.

this morning I had a dream

that Jeremy went behind my back and found an adoption agency for our baby!

I was furious!

and he had gotten called out to work so I didn't even get to yell when I woke up.

oh, but he got to hear about it when he got home...

turns out he had the same dream about me earlier this week.

bring on the bizzare dreams, i guess!

speaking of dreams,

I dream about labor, pretty much every night.

I don't think you can feel actual pain in dreams...

but it's always so realistic,

the panic, the breathlessness, the contractions, the timing

and I wake up sweating

right before I get to hold her.

it's so frustrating, but I can't help but be more and more excited!

she could come today, and I would be thrilled.

Jeremy's still trying to get me to quit my job.

he's always threatening to call my boss up himself

(he use to work there, so he's kinda got the in's)

my poor husband thinks I'm never going to quit

and just secretly go back right after I have the baby.

haha!

I guess I would think too that if I was married to me.

we've got a busy schedule for this coming week:

daddy's birfday

1st every week appt

last baby shower with jer's work

maternity pictures

family wedding

before we know it, it'll be week 37!

that's full term, baby!

becoming parents

so we started our lamaze classes on monday.

good thing jeremy and i are so mature...

we did an exercise where i'm suppose to pick out relaxing, soothing words out of a list (for jer to use when i'm freaking out in labor)

we're looking through the list...

jeremy points at "flaccid"

i crack up.

and then there's "sagging"

we're both busting up.

our instructor asks us if we have something to share.

we're those students.

and then during the progressive relaxation,

the lights are turned down,

and it's silent aside from the instructor's voice and everyone's deep breathing.

and I can hear jeremy chuckling next to me.

what?

later he tells me, he's thinking "oh man, it's so quiet... someone's going to let it riiiiiiiiiiiip!!"

our instructor is pretty good at using "your partner" when she's referring to our support,

but she slips up when we're practicing our relaxation techniques

and says "baby daddy"

jeremy can barely stiffle his laugh

and I can feel his body shaking as he laughs.

we discuss the favorite things and least favorite things about pregnancy.

the boys and girls split up.

a couple positive things from the boys list:

designated driver, "you can't get pregnant again"

yeah, we got some funny ones in the class.......

also, the last thing mentioned was "no more fertility treatments"

which brought tears to my eyes.

it breaks my heart to hear about or read about struggles with infertility.

it's really nice to hear about success and just silently be so so happy for them. :)

we also got a lecture on diet

and healthy eating for the pregnancy and after birth as well.

instantly I started craving an oreo mcflurry from mcdonalds.

nice.

yes, we did get one on the drive home.

all in all, the class was great.

we have the earliest due date, by about a month.

but that's okay, we'll get 4/6 classes in if our babe doesn't come early.

good thing i have my funny funny husband for the next couple of monday nights!

35

dear amelia ray,

everyday brings us closer and closer together.

which is strange, because there is nothing except a placenta between us.

it's finally may,

we've made it through school

and now it's just the waiting game.

we've enjoyed some pleasant days off together...

kind of.

I don't like sitting still,

and you don't either, it seems.

we're also a little too uncomfortable to be patient enough with delicate crafts

and running errands seem to get us way too winded.

your kicks are becoming quite painful,

and I feel like we both agree you're running out of womb. :)

stretch marks are growing too.

bigger, and in other areas of my body.

the only thing we've been really enjoying is gwackamoley.

kind of, again.

we first had it at aunt collette's graduation party...

ate ourselves sick.

and your uncle travis insists on making more "for his niece"

we're spoiled.

except I have no self-control,

and I've had gwack 4 different times in the last week.

and your daddy thinks we need to take it easy (as if)

I guess it won't take you long to figure out who the real adult is out here.

on wednesday,

we oriented the new accelerated program for nursing school

(part of student government duties)

those kids are on top of the game!

the college of nursing has an official stance on no working while in the program,

and they unoffically tack on, don't get married, and don't have a baby in the program.

oh man, we dropped the ball on some of those, didn't we?

always rebelling, you'll get that from me.

your aunt collette also threw us a gorgeous shower on friday,

because she already loves you so much!

but more on that (with pictures too!) later.

remember how I said we were ready for you in week 34?

well this week I washed all your 0-3 months clothes

and packed our hospital bag

and thought about putting in your carseat base.

baby steps.

we're still getting ready, it seems.

mother's day is just around the corner

and I can't help but think of all life lessons I want to teach you,

and the little things too:

I hope you love yourself for the beauty you have on the inside.

and I hope you will know you are beautiful on the outside (without makeup) too.

truly.

I hope you respect others and respect yourself.

I hope you have the work ethic of your grandparents.

I hope you have the sense of humor to laugh into your old age.

I hope you can't wait to tell me about all your dates, ridiculous ones and wonderful ones.

I hope you find a husband that treats you like your father treats me.

I hope you have children of your own.

I hope for great things for you,

like I've never dreamed for myself.

I hope you get everything you want in life.

and I hope you know how much I love you.

and that you make me a better person, constantly.

and I love myself more, since you've come into existance.

dr. thackery only lets his patients carry their babies 1 week past their due date.

so that's it:

6 weeks tops.

and we've got so much longer together,

so really, what's the rush?

I keep telling myself anyway...

34

so guess what?

babies born between 34 and 37 weeks generally do as well as full term babies.

so we're ready!

I've only gained 3 lbs in the last month,

which is nuts for the last trimester (I gained 6-8 in my first tri)

but my uterus is still measuring perfectly, so we're all good.

5/7 nights this week,

i didn't get out of bed once.

crazy again?

perfect and so convenient for finals week!

amelia is already so smart and so thoughtful and so good to me!

also, congrats to aunt collette for graduating college!!

in two weeks, we have our last every 2 week appointment

where how dilated my cervix will be measured.

and then we will start every week appointments.

can't wait.

i love you amelia ray!

33

i can't believe another week has flown by.

I feel like this whole pregnancy has gone by so fast,

and it has finally started to slow down this week.

this week has probably been the longest.

also, the most achey, painful sleep-deprived, emotional, and hardest.

Amelia has grown so much, I can feel her in three places at once now.

and she throws crazy fits and tantrums

jeremy bends down right to my tummy and sternly says, "be nice to your mother!"

sometimes she listens,

but most of the time she just kicks harder.

and jeremy cracks up.

really? this is how we are disciplining our children?

everyone already knows that baby girl has him wrapped around her finger.

I also had a few contractions this week.

they're pretty rough.

I laughed at myself for considering childbirth without pain medication.

still, I'm sticking to my plan.

laugh all you want!!

stretch marks also showed up this week.

they're at the bottom of my belly, and also at the top of my thighs.

I was a little devastated

but my friend miriam said,

"mommy badges of honor is what they are! wear them proudly, only we get this privledge!"

very true.

and my sweet baby has been so healthy and growing so perfectly,

i would take stretch marks any day for that.

i've also been really grateful for the position i'm in to be able to support her.

not only are jeremy and i in a safe place financially,

we just bought our home,

we live in a safe neighborhood

i'm one year from graduating,

we have such a great support system in our family and friends.

and we're married and in love.

we are so lucky to have all of these things so we can give the very best to her.

i feel so blessed that I don't feel the I have to compromise the best for her because we weren't ready.

and i am also so thankful that we have had 9 months to get ready for her. :)

I know the next 7 weeks will fly by fast.

everyone has also told me the last weeks are the hardest.

I'm trying to stay positive and focus on how much I love feeling her move.

even though we are all so excited for her to get here,

I'm sure part of me will miss it so badly after I give birth.

until then,

i'm living for her next kick.

showered by the sweetest future nurses

Last weekend, the girls from nursing school threw me the cutest shower.

Jessica and Melissa have been planning this since pretty much the first week of semester!

It was so sweet and such a perfect conclusion to our second semester.

the food was amazing!

it was a ton of sugar, but so tasty.

we always tease these girls, saying they should be in the relief society presidency

because of all their amazing talents

(cooking, baking, party planning, etc.)

sweet little alicia made the fruit pizza on the right -- perfect, right?

here are a couple of gifts.

I tried really hard to not make weird faces for these pictures,

but you can only do so much when you're pregnant.

{swaddle me wrap; cute outfit; another cute outfit}

we played "guess the price" on baby items,

and I was really embarrassed with my score (5).

Saray got the high score of 9/10!

the girls packed up the items in a cute basket for me to take home,

and I was so excited for all the useful and sweet things!

{swaddle me blanket, outlet plugs, baby wipes, nursing items ;), baby wash, binkies, wash clothes, etc. etc. etc.}

Jessica's cute grandma also made us a sweet pink blanket!

these girls showered us with cute outfits, our first pack of diapers, fingernail clippers & gloves so she doesn't scratch herself, nighties, sunglasses, easy sqeezy feeder, etc. etc. etc.!!!

I always tell everyone this,

but I am so grateful I can truly call these girls some of my closest friends.

I don't know how I would survive nursing school without their support and enthusiam!

good thing we're all baby crazy, huh?

and academically speaking too!

I was so anxious and such a mess my first semester and these girls carried me through.

I'm so glad I get to share a career with these wonderful, loving, classy, intelligent ladies

and I'm so blessed to be loved by all of them.

I'm pretty lucky, what can I say?

{from left to right: Alicia, Miriam, Mikyla, me, Melissa, Jessica, Saray; row 2: Christie & Becca}

{thanks to Jerley, Nicole & Sara too!}

xoxo.

32

and a half.

yup, today is the last day I have to wear these scrubs until september. and then i will have a 3 month old!

these few days, i've just been a little crazy.

like the other day, I actually slept the entire night, without waking up to readjust, waking up to pee, waking up from cramping and not being able to breathe. I woke up and, for a second, thought maybe I had dreamt this entire pregnancy! and then i sat up and felt how heavy my front was and remembered. and smiled, because i do love being pregnant and carrying my sweet daughter around.

and then last night, i was exhausted, and i woke up every hour, and had such a hard time falling asleep. i hurt, i cramped, i cried, my nose got stuffy, my mouth was super dry, i couldn't breathe, etc. I probably slept for a total of 3 hours before getting up at 7 am to study for finals.

 

 

or like how the roles were switched on sunday morning, and jeremy was exhausted and i was wide awake. I bellowed the star spangled banner in attempt to wake him up (...may have forgotten a few words...). I was interrupted by his alarm, which he took his chance to mumble "give me ten more minutes" and rolled over away from me. "but you didn't even let me finish singing to you!!!" I protested. needless to say, i was a little huffy.

or when I was driving (i have no idea why?) and jeremy says, "babe, 50 is just the recommended speed limit."
I get a little defensive and say: "i'm already going 10 over!"
"well I usually go 70 around here"
silence
finally, i snapped, "well I don't remind you the speed limit and try to change your driving habits, so leave me alone!"
jeremy has taken back the driving role lately.


regardless, things are going great with amelia. she likes to remind me that she is in charge, like i could ever forget. we had our first every 2 week visit- I somehow didn't gain any weight, but my uterus is exactly 32 cm. perfect.
still can't wait for june 16th.
but i may or may not have a plan for the second she turns 37 weeks. :)


xoxo.

31

it's pretty awesome that I get at least one stranger everyday asking me when I'm due.

still a little taken aback though,

just the concept that I'm big enough for everyone to "know for sure"

i always want to psych people out and say, "no, i'm not pregnant... do i look like i'm pregnant?"

just because I think that would be hilarious to see their reaction, ya know?

but I'm always far to excited/flushing with pride/happy that someone asked to remember.

one of these days,

I'm going to mortify some poor soul. :)

i'm loving the attention, and i love feeling her grow;

good comes with bad though.

i'm pretty sensitive to some comments, even though i try to laugh them off.

a nurse at my work said to me,

"you're looking pretty edematous... in your face, and in your hands"

I just gawked at him.

in my head: I'm in nursing school, I know what you really mean!!!!!

(edematous= swelling)

wth?

who says that?

and then poor jeremy has to stand by and let me buy another outfit to make myself feel better.

don't worry, I'm a bargain shopper :)

the best part of 31 weeks is that Jeremy can FINALLY feel everything I'm feeling

every kick, every roll, every push

he actually thinks, "wow, she's moving a lot lately."

um no.

she's just big enough for you to actually feel now.

she's been pretty active from the very beginning. :)

stubborn, with attitude.

sleep: what sleep?

I haven't slept the whole night for a while

it's fine, I take naps

or zone out in phases of exhaustion during the day.

sometimes you can catch me when i'm giggly,

plenty of other times, i'm pretty grouchy.

my house is a giant mess.

part from lack of habitual cleaning,

part from a million half-started crafts I can't complete until school is over,

part from our frantic remodeling before the baby comes.

(ps. master bedroom is now a beautifully painted green :D )

yes, with a capital D smiley face :D

another great thing about 31 weeks

is that we have another doc. appointment this friday!

remember how I mentioned we're down to every two weeks?

we have 3 of these,

and then we're down to every weeks-

only 4 of those!

and that's if our babe doesn't come early!!

isn't that amazing?

ps. diabetes screening= negative

iron test results= not so bright.

but we'll survive. :)

pps. remember how I totally lost nursing school SAC elections last semester

and was totally disappointed,

but pretended I didn't care all that much?

yeah, meet the new VP for 2012-2013.

thaaaaaaaat's right.

me.

:D