a note on clarity

It's funny how sometimes all your dreams come true but they didn't work out how you imagined it and you forget how blessed you are. A few weeks ago, I started my new job on the mom-baby unit at IMC. I was so excited and couldn't believe I got to work with moms and babies all day long. That same week, I interviewed for a job on the labor and delivery unit for the University Hospital. I felt so crummy the night before, I almost called to decline the interview. I didn't though, and I had the best interview of my life with the warmest nursing administration, and I had such a strong calling of where I was suppose to be.

Have I ever told you why I want to be a labor and delivery nurse? With every experience in a labor and delivery, I've felt a sacredness that envelopes my little corner of the world. It is so special to help these moms welcome their sweet babes into a scary world. And it is so special to watch these moms comfort their screaming babies, because it's not so scary after all with mom protecting you. Sure, there's a lot of nursing responsibilities that fit outside this perfect window, but it's the minutes that baby comes out and howls on mom's chest that I live for. It's the reason why labor and delivery is my dream job.

Two weeks later, the nursing manager called me and offered my dream job to me. I couldn't believe it was real life. I passed my drug screen, background check, vaccinations, references, and received my schedule for orientation. 12 weeks of varying day and night shifts.

Have I ever told you why I didn't want to be a mother? This world is a scary place. A scary place with lots of scary people and scary experiences that I don't want my children to face. I'm terrified every day of falling short from protecting, teaching, growing, being patient with, mothering my children. I'm terrified of not being a good mother. When I finally held my baby girl in my arms, I finally knew that all I needed to do was to pray a lot and try my best.

I could not feel more unsure of my situation. Jeremy and I have always wanted to raise our own children. We've struggled from the beginning, but we've made it work with a few sacrifices. With this job offer, I felt so uneasy and unsettled. For the next week, I bawled through phone calls of daycare inquiries and tours. I laid in bed with Jeremy and bawled through questions of whether they would love my Millie babe the same way I do. We prayed lots and I did my best.

In the end, I declined the job offer for labor and delivery. While this wasn't an easy decision, I had to take a step back and ask myself what I really wanted in life. I'm 22 years old. I married the love of my life, and all my dreams came true with him. I am a college graduate with a blooming career. I am a mom, and I get to raise beautiful children. I'm so blessed with what He has placed before me. I want to be in the home and grow my children. It will only be another decade that I get to snuggle their sweet faces and kiss their toes and teach them about bugs and the temple and being polite. And after that, I'll have years to work. I'll have years to get my dream job offer again.

But I don't you to think that I don't already have my dream job.

Millie babe and I at Scarlett's first ultrasound

15

dear baby,

this week we went to girls' camp for a couple of days with the young women in our ward-- I'm so grateful for them and their bright shiny testimonies. I hope I'll be able to remember their special love for Christ and the gospel and share it with you one day. we've also been a little more sick this week, which I hope will leave our system quite soon! big sis amelia has been copying like a sponge; her latest interest is "throwing up" (making really weird sounds) over the toilet like mommy does often-- not sure if this is funny or sad. daddy and I both think this pregnancy is a bit more challenging, but I'm sure all the details will get fuzzy when we hold you in our arms. we start my new job on Monday, and I'm thrilled! bear with me as we launch off with a 40 hour week! we also find out next week if you will be named baby scarlett or baby ethan-- we can't wait! until then, I'm happy to continue feeling you kick often and dreaming up what our future will be like as a family of four.

love,

mom

13

oh babe,

the weeks are flying by. it always feels like we're cramming in our temple date the last week of the month (which we are). your daddy and i had hoped to attend the temple regularly for ourselves, and also as an example for our kiddos. sometimes it's a struggle, but i swear it's always worth it. want some exciting news? mommy got a job offer to the IMC mom-baby unit today! i applied to this job before we knew you were on your way, interviewed twice for it, and finally got a job offer. i prayed right before my second interview, i prayed for the best thing for our family, whether or not it consisted of this job. this is my "dream job" almost nothing better than welcoming sweet babies into this world and getting paid for it. except staying at home with my own babies. only time will tell what happens! as always, i'm so grateful for how blessed i am-- i do hope you know you choose such a wonderful family to join!

i love you,

mom 

lately

A little update on us Bodtchers, while we've been deathly ill the last week:

On top of a few other sketchy things, Jeremy's (45-55 hr/week) job decided they were going to change from hourly to salary pay without a raise and expect everyone to work 40-60 hours. It was stressful for a minute, but Jeremy got a job interview and job offer within the next week. The best part is he gets to work with his besties from his first home health job, and we know he'll be taken care of. The unique factor is they also asked him to be the Director of Nursing at a small facility. (This cracks me up, because Jeremy has been avoiding DON job offers since he graduated). Fortunately, we both have a good feeling about this. I'm just so proud of the nurse he is and the reputation he has that so many people are willing to give him a good recommendation. So happy that he got his dream job back!


We (and by we, I mean Jeremy and his dad and brothers) are making major progress on the basement. Molding and walls are painted, electrical is trimmed in, and 2000 pounds of tile have been transported down (by my macho man j-dawg). We're hoping to paint the ceiling this week, lay some tile down in the bath and kitchen, and order some cabinets. After the cabinets are in, we literally have to finish the molding in the tile areas, buy light covers, and put in carpet. AHHHHHH! It's seriously been a long time coming.

Amelia is continually growing leaps and bounds. She copies me with almost everything I do (so sweet, but also a little scary) and she understands almost everything I ask of her. This stage is amazing, because she is happy doing chores with me all day. Literally, she will watch me cook breakfast on her step stool, help me unload every dish in the dishwasher, she loves "sweeping," hand me everything in the laundry basket, pick up all the toys on the floor, and we just read read read and go on walks to the mailbox, have lunch, take a nap, and wait for dada to come home. Routine holds a special place in my heart, and I'm so grateful Amelia is loving it too. Amelia's also saying "baby" all day long now, and it melt me so much. I can't believe that my baby is almost 20 months, and grows closer and closer to TWO YEARS OLD every single day. Also, Jeremy found Amelia sitting up on her changing table one the morning, panicked, and did find an even lower setting on her crib. Ha!

I had another death on the morning of the 18th. I think it gets easier and easier the more it happens, it hardly even phases Jeremy anymore. In the moment, everything happens so fast, and I'm just so concerned with taking care of the family and making sure I'm taking care of their every needs (even though I have 12 other patients on a slow day). But afterwards, an hour after your shift, when you get weepy in the bathroom by yourself, and the reflection of your nursing care and question of if there was anything more you could have done weighs in, that is when everything slows down and you really feel the ton of bricks that hit you two hours ago. I do hope it gets easier. I mean, it's not hard, I just hope it's not so hard for me anymore.


Finally, I signed up for a marathon. The SLC marathon in April, to be specific. I think it's helping me deal with my anxiety better, as exercise commonly does. I'm currently on week 3 of 15, and I've coincidentally lost 3 pounds. I run 4 days a week, 3 short runs and 1 long. Today, I ran 9 miles in 91 minutes. The crazy thing about long runs is how deathly you feel the entire time, but how strong and emotional you feel when you finally finish. I'm so excited, and my one goal is to finish under five hours (not a fast runner here, obvi).


We have our ups and downs around here, but we're still feeling so blessed for our little journey.

being a nurse

I've been a little stressed out lately.
I can't explain it as well as I'd like
because there's just so much.
like so much that I had an anxiety attack. at work.
like so much that I'm constantly exhausted and nauseated.
like so much that I wonder if I am really cut out to be a nurse.

really.


on new year's day,
I walked into work, got report,
had my first death an hour later.
palliative care, not really my thang
but I think it might have saved me.

I keep thinking about God,
and why I'm feeling like I'm drowning.
but I choose to believe that
"if God brings you to it, God will bring you through it."

halloween '13

We started celebrations for Halloween on the 30th this year. Amelia dressed up for toddler time at the library and had so much fun running around with other babes in their costumes. When Dad came home, we headed into Murray, so Little Red could pay a visit to Grandma Bodtcher before we headed to trunk-or-treat with our ward. Amelia was really nervous with all the commotion in the dark, but we had fun nevertheless. I was scheduled to work this Halloween, and Jeremy and Amelia had planned to come to the party at my facility. Unfortunately, Amelia barfed all over herself and I, and we decided that the little sicky should stay home. Jeremy told me she would run to the back of our house whenever the doorbell would ring. As soon as the kids left, she would run back up and wave goodbye. Hilarious. Jeremy also took Amelia out trick-or-treating at our neighbor, Steve's house, who carves 10+ pumpkins, each taking several hours to perfect. Jeremy sent me pictures of them, and they did not disappoint.

Gosh, don't blink, because it's already November. And soon, it'll be 2014. Lucky for us, we're just rounding the best time of the year, where holiday roll into holiday. I'm grateful for this season of love and this darling family of mine. Grateful for financial security, even though sometimes it means crying over missed holidays. Grateful for my babe, who reminds me how magical childhood is. I'm blessed.

crossing.

i've been struggling with how to say this.

but this is my safe place, right?
remember how proud I was of myself for getting a job?
remember how happy and relieved I was?

a few weeks on my own, and I'm learning bounds: wound care, priority setting, patient and family education. the kind that really couldn't be taught in nursing school, couldn't really be simulated in lab.

I'm also learning about bullying. where a new nurse stands with an experienced nurse. where I don't really know how to say anything about it. where I just miss my nursing friends so much, and wish they all worked with me.

then there's how much I see my Jeremy. those five minutes we switch vehicles, and Amelia squeals when she sees us kiss. and I drive to work, getting all choked up listening to love songs on the radio by myself. or when I get home after sunrise and meet him in bed, but he's about to get up and start his morning. we flirt and maybe more through text quite often, and talk on the phone during our breaks, but it's not quite the same.

and Amelia. I wonder if she notices. I know she doesn't deserve a tired mama, who isn't quite as alert and oriented. the other day she ran towards the doorway. "Millie, where are you going?!" I exclaim. "DAD!" she yells back. ah.


it's hard to complain when I look at my paycheck.
when beautiful, new dresses come in brown packages and I don't have to feel so guilty.


but how do I justify this time I'm losing?
when I feel like there so much I can't teach my baby because I'm away.
when it's been so long, I just stare straight and can see my husband's lips in front of me.
is it worth the experience?
the golden year of experience, so I can get my dream job?
when sometimes you just get yelled at over and over for being late because you had to help someone else who was having an anxiety attack?
or your hall gets slammed with 3 admits, and one trickles down to you right before med pass, and you're working on care plans the entire night because you've never been trained on how to do them?

is it normal to be burnt out this early?
and what I'm describing isn't even that bad.
they just don't compare to my mom days.



then one day, a former-nurse patient told me that I have heart. that I will be that nurse that's always clocking out late, because I'm spending time loving my patients. and to not lose that through the years.

gosh, how do I not cry?


I've wanted to save lives for as long as I can remember.
But my life was forever changed the second I became a mom.


am I at a crossroads?

written a while back: a new job offer

want to know something?

I was born to be a mommy (you know I love this calling, right?)
I was not born to be a housewife.

This month after I passed my boards was  h e l l .
This uncertainty of my life map mixed with job prospects, great interviews, playing the waiting game, huge disappointments mixed with "being a housewife" watching all my nursing friends get their dream jobs has been so so depressing.

Can I tell you?
I don't like washing dishes. I don't like doing laundry. I don't like cleaning floors.
The only thing I can appreciate from them is being  able to check them off my to-do list.
I almost couldn't handle it.
Kissing Jeremy goodbye in the morning, faced with "being a housewife"
Sometimes, when he would say, "hey, if you get a minute, could you..."
I would tear up from anger? disappointment? dread? misery?
To all stay-at-home moms, I applaud you. I don't know how you raise beautiful children, keep a clean house, look gorgeous everyday, have time to update your clever blogs, etc. etc. etc.

Dramatic?
It was a new shift of identity that I wasn't ready to face.
I also don't feel confident in my ability to be a mom and a housewife.
I didn't feel like an equal to my husband.
(okay, let me say that these are really personal insecurities).


Anyways, now that you know the turmoil I went through,
I'm pleased to announce I finally have job!
Meet the newest RN of Stonehenge of American Fork.

graduating from the last four years.

*Warning: massive amounts of images to follow:

 

Graduation celebrations started with a party Thursday evening, the night before the grand event. Jeremy had tried to plan a surprise party, but snoopy me caught on too quickly. It was a lovely, intimate party with pizza, soda, babies, card games (which I dominated at), laughter, and love. Good work, hubby! :)

 

 

I woke up to May 3rd, smiling and proud. Can't really remember what we did all morning, but we barely made my psychology graduation. It was crammed in with all the other disciplinaries from the college of social and behavioral sciences. Let's not go into all the details, but the psychology walked dead last. Half the seats were empty by the time I walked, and some lady still had to nerve to ask me to be courteous and take a seat (I had a good excuse... nursing graduation, of course!). We ran out of the Huntsman building on to a shuttle to take us to Kingsbury Hall.

 

Can I just say how cool Christie and I are? There was a professional photographer, mind you. One of us said, "hey let's show our pride by doing the 'U'!" Then the pro photographer was like, "okay, everyone do the 'U' sign!" because we're trend-starters! Also, we are pretty cool because we make great faces for candid shots.

 

Also, I'm kind of loud and not pretty when I cheer.

 

Isi, the baby whisperer. Always love that he tries with Amelia though. Too bad she's such a mama's girl. :) // Loves with my babe. Dad said she was tired and ornery all day; glad we got some hugs in between walking. // With Katie, Miriam, and Heather. Heather and I sat together in the front row first semester and have been friends since. Even though she never sat with me again, we had some amazing laughs and I'm so glad to know her. (I'll talk about Miriam in a sec.) Katie is sweet and amazing, and she got accepted into grad school at DUKE, the U, and I think another place. She is beyond amazing and intelligent and I'm always so impressed when we talk. These girls were the three musketeers in the back row.

 

Okay, can I just say how much I love this guy? Don't know what I did right to deserve him, but he held my hand through every scary moment of the last four years. Couldn't have done it with out my main guy. :)

These two. Ah, couldn't have done it without these two either. Mikyla and I were lab partners for bio-organic chemistry my freshman year of college. First week of lab, we talk about boys. She had been dating Joe for a year, not sure what was going to happen. I had been dating Jeremy for a month, pretty sure we were getting married. Mikyla put up with my insanity and carried me through that semester. We grew apart when I disappeared to finish my psychology major, but were reunited at nursing school orientation! I love this girl to pieces! First month of nursing school, Austin decided to join us in the front row. We loved him for it! Then came lunch time, and he awkwardly asked if he could sit with us... like we were in high school! Also loved that! We have pretty much been inseparable since then; we did so many things together- Academic Service Learning, Student Advisory Committee... I'm blanking on what else, which is sad, but it felt like we hung out all the time! Mikyla got married, I had a baby, Austin and his wife had baby #2, so glad we were there for big life events for each other. Glad to know their spouses, and glad to have forever friends in these two! Mikyla's going to be a community health nurse, Austin's going into peds and research, and I'm going into labor and delivery. We're going into complete different fields, but we'll always stay close. I love my fellow musketeers!

 

Add on the girls in the second row... Alicia, Jessica, Melissa, and Becca. I love them as well! Becca is always so sweet and positive, can't imagine nursing school without her. Melissa and I have had some pretty hilarious times together... like "don't worry if you get pregnant during nursing school, Heavenly father will help you through it" and falling completely on my butt on the muddy hill on the way to the train. So glad I know her and so excited for her to have her baby girl! Jessica is my twin... we stress about everything. Can't believe she had baby #2 during nursing school- toughest girl ever!Alicia is the greatest. I have asked her for advice since the very first day of clinicals. Have always been on the same page about life as this girl, except she's way more logical than I am. She knows so much about everything, and I can't wait for her to be a mommy. :) I have loved being friends with the six of you; thank you for making nursing school tolerable! 

 

 

Meet the infamous VA2. BFF's since the very first semester. From left to right: Isi, Christie, Dirty Diana, Alicia, Nicole, Miriam, and Dan. Isi is everyone's best friend, he makes people laugh, he makes people feel comfortable, he cares about what's going on in your life. He's hardworking and he has a smokin' wife and the most adorable children! Thanks for being my big bro and always having my back! I can't imagine the challenges and struggles Christie has been through, but she is still selfless, positive, caring, loving. She is such an amazing influence on all of us, and she helps me remember to keep smiling. Plus, she is hilarious. Plus, we sometimes send dirty text to each other at night. Dirty Diana and I were the youngest in our cohort, and we made sure we acted like it too. I love this DI-shopping, bridesmaid-loving, talking to random strangers, brown nosing, cheesy, hilarious girlfriend of mine. So glad we broke our never getting married/never having a baby during nursing school code together. I've already told you about Alicia, but for the record, I love her stinking guts. Nicole is the sweetest, smartest, kindest of us all. We called her Nee-cole, and called other perfectionists "Nee-cole Dos" after her. She is having twin boys, and I have been excited for her since the day she asked me if being pregnant was hard during nursing school. Miriam and I got super close riding trax together everyday. She put up with my trash-talking, judgmental, exhausted, whiney self twice a day, everyday for a year and a half. She's taught me so much about being a mom, growing up, loving your parents, everything happens for a reason, and laughing. We've always laughed together, like about Dan sprinting across a busy street with a broken foot to catch his bus, like about a random stranger falling asleep on my shoulder on trax, like about her wearing jeans and "nice sneakers" to high school graduation. Thanks for being one of my very best friends Miriam, I can't wait to work with you someday. :) and last, but not least, Dan. My co-vice president, honest and sweet and hilarious and intelligent. The day after we turned our transcripts into DOPL, I called him in tears because they were terrible on the phone. He called them and suffered through their rudeness even though he already had his ATT just to help me out. He also texted me, "Congrats Liana, RN" after I had passed in NCLEX. Which is a huge deal! Thanks VA2 for making junior year so incredible. So glad to know you, so glad to call each and every one of you my friend. I love you all!

 

Some of my family who came: Grandma and Grandpa Jackson... They are the sweetest for walking so far and staying through the entire commencement. I love them!// And my parents, who sat through both psychology and nursing, who have taught me the importance of education for as long as I can remember. Thanks for supporting me every step of the way. Not pictured are my second parents Randy and Julie, and also, Emily and Josh, who loved me and came and watched me walk, but had to rush back to a family wedding.

 

(Amelia was soo very tired.)

If you read through this entire thing, props to you. This post had to be this long because I truly love all 64 nurses in my cohort. They have shaped, challenged, encouraged, supported, loved, defined me into the nurse I am today. I am so proud of all of us, I am so proud to work along-side these intelligent women and men who give and serve and love and sacrifice. You are my heroes.

Thank you to my family and friends for all your support and encouragement. I am so grateful for you and all that you do; I truly could not have done it with you.

xo

my NCLEX-RN experience

This last Tuesday, I took the biggest exam of my life. This is how it works: there's a minimum on 75 questions, they'll stop you at 75 if they're sure you know your stuff or if they're sure you don't. Otherwise you keep going until they're sure or to the maximum of 265 questions. You get 6 hours to test.

I've been preparing for this since the first day of nursing school. But most extensively, the last three weeks. Registering for the exam, alone, is a stressful factor. The pressure built each day. I couldn't sleep very well the two nights before the exam, so test day I was coasting on adrenaline. I was a ball of nerves the entire morning. I ate breakfast and immediately thought I was going to throw it back up; my stomach hurt, I was extra sensitive, and Jeremy put up with me.

We dropped Amelia off with my mom around noon.

A lot can change in two years. Except for my taste in men, of course! The top left picture was taken before we drove to Las Vegas for Jeremy to take his NCLEX. I had no idea what he was in for in the first picture, but he knew exactly what I was going through in the second.

We drove up to the testing center in Bountiful, and arrived an hour early. While I was reviewing some last minute lab values, Jeremy wove through the streets and we ended up at the Bountiful Temple:

I was on the brink of tears. Jeremy gave me a (father's) blessing, and tried to get me to laugh. Then he drove me back to the testing center, while I focused on my breathing.

The whole checking in process is kind of ridiculous. I had my hand/fingers scanned about 50 times to make sure I was me, and not my twin trying to take the test for me. The boy that arrived right after me asked, "so are you excited?" I stared at him and said, "no." (awkward) then I added, "I'm excited to get it over with." I'm so terrible with small talk when I'm stressed out.

We went into the exam room, I put my earplugs in, I was shaking through the tutorial they make us watch, and right before my exam starts, I prayed. I can't tell you exactly what questions my exam included. I can tell you that I had a lot of alternative answer questions, and I had a lot of questions that I had no idea what was being asked. My two OB questions- never heard of the diagnoses, never heard of the symptoms. I stuck with my gut answers, flew through the questions, I felt so at peace. The exam shut off at 75 questions, and I was only somewhat surprised. There was no gut feeling that I had passed, but I wasn't terrified that I had failed.

When I called Jeremy, he laughed and said it hadn't even been an hour, "75 and out, huh? did you make NCLEX your biotch?" He drove me back south, where I scarfed down some food and we went to watch Fast 6. My paranoia didn't get the best of me that night.

The next day I spent focusing my energy making Amelia's birthday invitations; it was a great distraction. However, two of my friends who also took the NCLEX on Tuesday already had their licenses posted. Every hour I refreshed the DOPL website, and every hour there was zero results for Liana Bodtcher. It was a terrible thing to do to myself, and I quit at 1 in the morning.

My friend Christie texted me at 7 in the morning, "I just checked DOPL, congrats!" I couldn't be satisfied until I saw it myself. Ah, those five seconds after I saw my name were unbelievably amazing. Hallelujah, I was finally done.

So that's why I've been MIA lately. I'll probably continue to be MIA while I plan this giant party and look for a job. I've got a list of things I want to blog about when I get the chance... I'm so grateful for my family and friends who got me through the last four years. So grateful for blessings and the power of prayer that kept me calm through my test. So grateful that I'm done!!!!!!!!


ps. I ran for 98 minutes today. That's 10 miles. BAM I still got it! :)

eating

wish I could blog about graduation, or the fact that my baby will be a whole year OLD in less than 30 days.

instead, I have to spend my time studying studying studying. for that big licensing test, you know?

instead, I'll let you in on a secret that I have realized:
I can live off of kit kats, dr. pepper, and cheese sticks.
(just in case you wanted to hand deliver some in the next month or two, while I try to become a registered nurse)

xo