my NCLEX-RN experience

This last Tuesday, I took the biggest exam of my life. This is how it works: there's a minimum on 75 questions, they'll stop you at 75 if they're sure you know your stuff or if they're sure you don't. Otherwise you keep going until they're sure or to the maximum of 265 questions. You get 6 hours to test.

I've been preparing for this since the first day of nursing school. But most extensively, the last three weeks. Registering for the exam, alone, is a stressful factor. The pressure built each day. I couldn't sleep very well the two nights before the exam, so test day I was coasting on adrenaline. I was a ball of nerves the entire morning. I ate breakfast and immediately thought I was going to throw it back up; my stomach hurt, I was extra sensitive, and Jeremy put up with me.

We dropped Amelia off with my mom around noon.

A lot can change in two years. Except for my taste in men, of course! The top left picture was taken before we drove to Las Vegas for Jeremy to take his NCLEX. I had no idea what he was in for in the first picture, but he knew exactly what I was going through in the second.

We drove up to the testing center in Bountiful, and arrived an hour early. While I was reviewing some last minute lab values, Jeremy wove through the streets and we ended up at the Bountiful Temple:

I was on the brink of tears. Jeremy gave me a (father's) blessing, and tried to get me to laugh. Then he drove me back to the testing center, while I focused on my breathing.

The whole checking in process is kind of ridiculous. I had my hand/fingers scanned about 50 times to make sure I was me, and not my twin trying to take the test for me. The boy that arrived right after me asked, "so are you excited?" I stared at him and said, "no." (awkward) then I added, "I'm excited to get it over with." I'm so terrible with small talk when I'm stressed out.

We went into the exam room, I put my earplugs in, I was shaking through the tutorial they make us watch, and right before my exam starts, I prayed. I can't tell you exactly what questions my exam included. I can tell you that I had a lot of alternative answer questions, and I had a lot of questions that I had no idea what was being asked. My two OB questions- never heard of the diagnoses, never heard of the symptoms. I stuck with my gut answers, flew through the questions, I felt so at peace. The exam shut off at 75 questions, and I was only somewhat surprised. There was no gut feeling that I had passed, but I wasn't terrified that I had failed.

When I called Jeremy, he laughed and said it hadn't even been an hour, "75 and out, huh? did you make NCLEX your biotch?" He drove me back south, where I scarfed down some food and we went to watch Fast 6. My paranoia didn't get the best of me that night.

The next day I spent focusing my energy making Amelia's birthday invitations; it was a great distraction. However, two of my friends who also took the NCLEX on Tuesday already had their licenses posted. Every hour I refreshed the DOPL website, and every hour there was zero results for Liana Bodtcher. It was a terrible thing to do to myself, and I quit at 1 in the morning.

My friend Christie texted me at 7 in the morning, "I just checked DOPL, congrats!" I couldn't be satisfied until I saw it myself. Ah, those five seconds after I saw my name were unbelievably amazing. Hallelujah, I was finally done.

So that's why I've been MIA lately. I'll probably continue to be MIA while I plan this giant party and look for a job. I've got a list of things I want to blog about when I get the chance... I'm so grateful for my family and friends who got me through the last four years. So grateful for blessings and the power of prayer that kept me calm through my test. So grateful that I'm done!!!!!!!!


ps. I ran for 98 minutes today. That's 10 miles. BAM I still got it! :)

today

I forked over $200 to Pearson VUE to sign up for the NCLEX-RN. That's the test I will take be be licensed as a nurse. Next week, I will fork over $100 to dopl, so I can be licensed in utah. I'm most definitely excited to annouce this. I've worked so hard the last 5 years for this.


In 29 days, I will graduate from the University of Utah.
As soon as my transcipts post, I will hand deliver them to dopl.
As soon as my paperwork is processed, I will sign up for the next available exam.
If all goes well, I will be a licensed nurse before July.


I love lists and plans.
But after I'm licensed, then what?
I've been freaking out the last couple of days because of this realization.
I've had every semester planned out since sophomore year in high school.
Now what?

Am I working full-time, part-time? Where am I going to work?
Am I going to apply for graduate school? Am I even hard-core enough to go?
Am I going to have more babies? When is that going to happen?
When are we finishing our basement and getting renters?

The lack of goals and milestones is making me anxious.
What's going to happen now that I'm all grown up?
Part of me still can't believe this is all happening.
Pinch me, please.

january at the bodtchers

most of my pictures are of amelia. sue me.

1. ringing in the New Year with a kiss 2. love her sleeping lashes 3. prepared with puffs at the restaurant 4. sometimes, it still blows my mind that I'm a mommy 5. dada pushing amelia around the house 6. learning to reach down, for the good stuff anyway 7. love me some kisses 8. darling water bottles for Melissa and Kohen's baby shower.

9. attack!! 10. "come 'ere and gimmee a bath, mom!" 11. visiting sweet Kohen in the hospital 12. 3 musks on the first day of school 13. Emmett's face says it all 14. gotta have that carrot, even when I'm climbing 15. found some new entertainment in pushing that swing 16. "hmmm, yeah I think I'll try some of that..."

17. this is one of my favorite pictures of all time. cutest baby bum in the world. 18. successfully trained in going to sleep by herself 19. I passed. my heart still races a little thinking about it 20. playing with a mirror while dada looks for shoes 21. love me some cream cheese wontons 22. appreciating the finer things in life- daddy's in trouble! 23. loves these matching outfits 24. full out date at noodles&co, followed by les mis.

25. this girl can climb a full set of stairs 26. "dad's always sleeping, while I'm wide awake!" 27. this is what doing laundry looks like for a mommy 28. I have been to the store three different times to buy a storage bin for our christmas tree. I gave up. we're ghetto and this is still in our front room 29. Nemo was a pillow that night 30. "mom, can you please bring me my cell phone and the salt?" 31. only the best kisses for the cutest girl in the world 32. just enjoying the refreshments at the bridal shower.

33. ah gong's glassess are her fav 34. story: once upon a time, my baby starting screaming bloody murder when I put her in her bathtub. no really, it was out of nowhere My brilliant friend advised me to start back to basics with swaddle baths. ta-da! did the trick. now we bathe the normal, "big girl" way 35. all of this gets eaten in about two weeks 36. "get back to your situps, dada!" 37. loving on her new bathtime sponges 38. mommies should really not be able to get sick. seriously, how do you take care of your babes? 39. "...and the house on the sand washed AWAY!" works everytime.

busiest week of my life

okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but honestly

Monday- cleaned, shopped and wrapped for upcoming showers, and tried to catch up on homework since I had been sick tuesday and wednesday and then worked friday and saturday the week before. all while this was happening:

during this time I opened an email from National Student Nursing Association. (let me back up and explain, as VP in the Nursing SAC, one my huge responsibilities this year is to start at school NSNA chapter at the U.) so I open this email, and then I read "blah blah blah deadline February 6th." I keep re-reading this line in a panic because I know that I still have tons of homework today and Jeremy is still sleeping and that my schedule is packed and there is no way I can do everything in two days.

seriously, I am freaking out.
I finally come to terms that I will just have to suck it up. I finish my homework. and then I calmly re-read the email. turns out I only have to come up with 10 USNA members by the 6th. whew.
and then I tried a new lasagna soup recipe:

Tuesday- 7 am to 7 pm: inducing women, delivering babies, charting like crazy. My preceptor invited me to an employee meeting the next day from 4-5 pm. Obviously I was pretty relunctant to agree.
my Jeremy worked a grave that night so I pick amelia up from grandma bodtcher's, gave her a bath and a smooth goodnight, and finished my homework.

Wednesday- had an early morning SAC meeting. felt so guilty that Jeremy got home at 0630, so I woke up extra early to play with amelia, in hopes that she would take a nap by 0830 when I left. At the SAC meeting, the presidents asked me how they could help me with starting a chapter. I love them. One of my best friends is going through a really hard time right now, so I tracked down Isi and Austin to give her a priesthood blessing before class. If you get a moment, please pray for her family.

Class includes discussions of how hard it will be to find a job after we graduate, and I am convinced that I have screwed myself over with my labor and delivery capstone. Honestly, why. why why why why.

Thankfully, after school we head over to a bridal shower for one of my favorite cousins. okay, let's be honest, who's cuter, sweeter, funnier than my darling Kira? I love that girl and so glad to celebrate her with family and friends.

 

and also, Jeremy went out to dinner with his dad and brother that night, and brought me back some fries and frysauce from olympus burger. that stuff is amazing.


Thursday- 0700-1900 in labor and delivery. okay, I'm just telling you right now, being a nurse is intense. I'm still pretty green, but I spend all day watching fetal heart tracings and contraction patterns, making sure mom is contracting and progressing enough, but not too much that baby is in distress. I'm admitting patients and educating and orienting and inserting iv's  and performing vaginal exams and calling anesthesiologists for epidurals and inserting foley catheters and assessing pitocin rates and teaching how to push and assigning apgars while making sure baby is dry and crying and teaching how to breastfeed and passing off report to postpartum nurses, all while charting like I'm going to court. I love it, I really do. thoses babies and those parents who love their babies with all their hearts are worth every moment.
of course, I get a lunch break, where I pump breastmilk and flip through pictures Jeremy sends me:

I wonder how we got so lucky to get the cutest baby in the world.

I am also wondering where my baby is, and where my husband is finding the time to build this tower.

and then I have my midterm evaluation, where my preceptor has nothing but good things to say, but believes in experience on a med/surg unit before becoming a labor and delivery nurse. my unit won't hire new grads, and I'm pretty desperate to be in labor and delivery. ah the stress.

I go home to find that Jeremy has made me homemade pizza and breadsticks.
and that Amelia fell asleep ten minutes before I got home.
people. I'm not saying I'm a saint or anything, but healthcare workers who serve you are sacrificing and so are their families. I wouldn't be doing things if I didn't feel like I should be, but it is heartwrenching to miss your baby the way I do.

Friday- is a repeat of Thursday, but this time I help with a caesarean, I witness a forcep assistance and an episiotomy, and I clean up bowel movements. third shift of the week is always hard, and I am trying to smile while I try not to cry because I am so nauseous. third shift is the hardest.
When I go to pick up Amelia from Aunt Emily, I struggle to put her in the carseat because I know she's going to be asleep when I get home. 20 minutes in 48 hours.

it's fine.
good thing I have Alicia to vent to about my life.

Saturday- thankfully I got to spend all day with my sweet baby. I must have taken 50 pictures of her that morning.
We went to Olive Garden for a surprise baby shower for Jessica! We love her and a good excuse to see each other outside of nursing school.

I swear we had just talked about all putting our hands on her belly, just like the picture we took for my baby shower. Right after this picture was taken, "WAS I THE ONLY ONE WITH MY HAND ON HER BELLY? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING?" I promise I'm not normally this creepy...

 

 

this one is definitely much better. whew.

 

It was also Chinese New Years eve, so we headed over to my parents:

 

 

love their cooking and love their love for us.

 

my mom also gave us matching jackets and red pocket money! she is the sweetest.

 

Jeremy went to work while Amelia and I spent the evening catching up with Aunt Collette. We're so glad she's feeling better and so proud of her already being an amazing mother.

 

Now it's Sunday morning, and I'm cramming for my primary lesson. When I was called last december, I stared at the second counselor and thought I can't do one more thing. I'm barely coming to church as it is. He says, ____________________ (something along the lines of ''I know you're so busy, but the presidency felt stongly in asking you to serve") and I accept.

I love my 5 year olds, I pray for them all the time, I hope they're hearing the testimonies we bear to them.

 

 

I bet you're wondering where are the stories mentioning Jeremy. Schedules like this are hard on a marriage. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband who has my back and has supported me through everything. Also, I am so happy for this upcoming week, where we will probably have more time to build on our love story more.

never working

the last couple of years have been really good to me.
i was really lucky to get into nursing school,
really blessed to have a surprise baby,
really lucky to draw out maternity clinicals for the third semester lottery,
and really really lucky to get a labor and delivery capstone.

all the paving the way for me to be labor and delivery nurse.

I'm proud to announce a few accomplishments:
charted like crazy,
found cervixes and correctly declared dilation and effacement (!!!!!)
had my first sucessful unmedicated delivery (!!!!!!)

as you can imagine,
working on labor and delivery isn't all golden.
I've worked 6 twelve hour shifts and at least half have been really discouraging.

but my goodness, those babies are heavenly.
my favorite part of the day is seeing that beautiful, serosanguinous head.
mom pushing until she's red in the face,
the provider holding up that tiny newborn,
and then seeing dad cry, seeing mom cry, seeing their eyes meet.
those moments are so powerful.
the love in the room is indescribable.
I still tear up everytime I see this.
this is why I do what I do.

"choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life."

(obviously I can't take or post any pictures of my patients, so I'm sharing this favorite of mine.
it's no wonder why I want to have so many children when I am so blessed.)

hard things

"we can do hard things"

I've always believed it.
I don't think think there's been a moment since high school where I didn't.
I mean honestly,
who works to pay for cheer and dance company and graduates with an associates degree?
when I realized I couldn't get my bachelor's of nursing in three years, I decided to double major with psychology.
of course, I had to get pregnant as soon as I started nursing school.
and to finish senior year off with a bang, I had to do sac presidency, service learning, and critical care elective.

I just kinda keep pushing along, and somehow I get through.
(with lots of help)

the critical care class is dang hard.
like dang hard. :(
there was some significant moments I came across this week.
many of them involved tears.
I just kept thinking a week,
i can do this. right? i can!
i can't. i just can't do one more thing. i can't handle one more thing.
just suck it up. just do it.
but then "one more thing"(s) just kept happening.
like finding out my senior nursing project had to be at my service learning site, so now I have to start volunteer hours on top of school, on top of 2-3 twelves.
like getting no sleep.
like having to drive in that snowstorm after a long shift with my baby.
like worrying about making the U's USNA a legit chapter.
like trying to figure out what's next to feed my baby
like getting sick again, and being extra emotional.

I think some things are harder than others, and some things are harder for some people than others.
sometimes, hard things include making a decision.
and I've been resisting this decision for over a week.

I dropped critical care.
instead I am taking gerontology, NURS 5050 (yeah, in the 5000's!)

now I can focus on my priorities.
including one of my own mantras:
you can't just serve others only when it is convenient for you.
as well as the hubs and our babe, eating, taking care of my body.
and I can do things I want to do, like blogging. and playdates and exercising and cooking.

xo
you can do hard things.

reminiscing

-we were called to serve in primary, teaching two different classes

-found out our baby was a girl

 

-celebrated Chinese New Year

 

-had our last valentines just the two of us

-Jeremy painted repainted our walls, ceilings, trim, doors, etc

-we went to st. george for our "babymoon"

-were blessed with many baby showers

-I completed a million crafts so I didn't go insane my last month of pregnancy

-went to a few May weddings

-Jeremy turned 28 years young, and we were disappointed Amelia didn't make an appearance

-I left Canyon Creek after 3 years, because of a better job offer

 

-we met the love of our lives

 

-learned how to be in charge of a tiny human

-we were both release from primary

-went on a lot of walks around the neighborhood

-we visited the Vorwallers in lander, wyoming

-walked the July 4th 5k as a family

 

-Jeremy gave our baby a name and the sweetest blessing in August

 

-Amelia and I visited the pool many times together



-our family went to the Brigham City Temple open house
-Jeremy switched jobs to a skilled nursing facilty, working graves
-I started school again and cried for hours every night the first week.
-we visited hoogle zoo, tracy aviary, and the witches at gardner village
-Amelia and I went on a girls retreat to see Aladdin in Tuacahn
-I ran my first half marathon as a mommy
-Amelia started sitting up at 3.5 months

 -Jeremy and I celebrated 2 amazing years together in st. george
-we discovered the sheer brillance of chick-fil-a sauce
-we found out we were getting 2 new nephews

-Jeremy went hunting with the boys in Joseph Mountain for a whole weekend

-my nursing cohort sang happy birthday to me since we had to spend 8 hours in a disaster sim
-I helped host the College of Nursing's spooky 5k for Camp Kostopulos
-we were the Flintstones for Halloween
-we started planning out meals and cooking on a regular basis
-Amelia slept in her crib for the first night at 5 months
-Amelia's two bottom teeth cut in, and a right molar made an appearance
-overnight, Amelia started reading, playing, chewing, moving oh so fast
-Jeremy and I realized our soda addication
-Amelia met her buddies Bosten, Emmett, and Grant
-I cooked my first Thanksgiving meal, and Jeremy worked Thanksgiving night
-we put up our Christmas tree with our baby trying to move around us
-I started making Amelia's solids- steaming, baking, pureéing, freezing
-Amelia came to tithing settlement with us, and our bishop told us hilarious stories
-we started Christmas traditions- visiting temple square, meeting Santa, matching pajama pants
-we were spoiled this Christmas

-Godzilla visited these intense "new year" houses Jeremy and I made


I'm so thankful for all that we were blessed with this year,
I'm falling more and more in love with my life each year.

so excited for 2013.
xo

today

some days you completely fail the ati comprehensive practice exam,
and you try to figure out how to get pregnant with twins,
so you don't have to even try to get your nursing license.

today is definitely one of those days.

on my avoidance of medication in general

I'm not sure how well known of a fact this is, but I try to avoid medications at all cost (within reason, of course). I do this because I was raised with the belief that your body is trying to communicate to you a need, or a warning. For example, I avoid pain medication because I feel that your body is trying to tell you to stop doing something. I feel that blocking the pain receptors doesn't help deal with the long term issue at hand. My parents didn't offer me ibuprofen when I had shin-splints during track season in high school, but instead told me to stop running.

With that being said, I won't deny that I have caved before. I took immodium once because I had runs that made me lose 10 pounds. I received pitocen because my labor wasn't progressing after 10 hours of my water breaking. I took motrin 800s after delivery for several days. I fully believe in immunizations. Those are just a few examples. Again, I avoid medication, but within reason.

This doesn't mean I believe that everyone should do the same. This doesn't mean that I tell my husband no, or deny my baby her tylenol. This doesn't mean that I don't know how medications work. This doesn't mean that I think people who take medications are weak/stupid/uneducated. This doesn't mean I disrespect modern medicine. Most importantly, this doesn't mean that I will refuse my patients medication as a nurse.

I recently got into a huge arguement with someone in my career about this. Okay, it was more like an attack on my entire belief of medications. Here are some direct quotes: "How will you ever be a real nurse if you don't believe in using medication?" "What are you going to do when your patients are in pain, tell them to not eat meat and suck it up?" "So you're willing to let people pump pitocen through your veins, so you're wirthing around like a freak, but you won't take something to help you feel better?"

This 15 minute period of my life was horrifying. I was attacked on my personal beliefs on medications, on the sucess I will have in my career, on being a vegetarian, and on the way I chose to give birth. It was insane. I guess we all have our different opinions on everything under the sun. and I believe in respecting everyone in their beliefs.

As a nurse, I promise to believe that your pain is what you say it is. I promise to give you your medication accordingly, and to advocate for you in terms of more medication, in dosage or quantity, if it is insufficent to manage your pain. I promise to accept your refusal of medication, and help you find other ways to cope. I promise that I will be as cuturally competent as I can. I promise that I will listen to you, and respect what you have to say, and support you in your decisions.

As I would hope my nurses do the same for me.

registration for the last time.

i'm a pretty excitable person, i would say.

for our last semester of nursing,
we are required an approved upper-level elective.
our options are:
critical care, medical spanish, and gerontology.
not that i hate gerontology, but it's not my field of passion. though easy 'a' sounds tempting.
not that i'm an expert, but i've taken four years of spanish. plus it is a 330-630 pm course, meaning i wouldn't get home until 8 pm on wednesday nights. capital h no- i'm way too old for that.
that leaves me with critical care.
intense.
2 hours.
with the infamous monte roberts.
perfect for an aspiring labor and delivery nurse, am i right?

too bad everyone and their grandma and their grandma's dog wants to be in that class.
and too bad the course capped at 20 students.
the course was full before i even had a chance to look at registration.
heartbroken. and annoyed.
austin and i are raving about it together.

fast forward to today.
monte mass-emails all 65 of us he's opening 5 more spots. oh, just sometime today.
freaking. out.
austin is next to me on his laptop refreshing the registration page every 5 seconds.
midway during a break, he whispers
registration is open. 2 spots left.

OH. kay.
calm down.
i log in to my cis. try to sign up for the course.
"you have a time conflict. please drop your spanish coursë."
dang. that's what i get for trying to be prepared.
my hands are shaking so bad i can't proceed.
austin takes over.
i think he tries dropping my spanish course like fifty times with his stupid slow computer.
and somehow registration keeps rejecting me "due to time conflict."
meanwhile my good friend alicia is registering behind me.
meanwhile mikyla is whispering "so and so is back there on his computer trying to register too."
two spots left. three people registering. i am freaking out.
hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry
probably the most annoying thing austin has to hear when he's trying to help me out.

then i see it.
you have successfully registered for this course.

i literally jump up from my seat
throw my arms in the air
screaming.
my heart was racing. serious as a heart attack.

yup.
alicia got in too.
we took the last two slots.

good thing i still have the thrill of college registration to keep me young, right?

today,
i am grateful for all my luck this past year.
seriously.
these have been life-defining, life-changing crossroads for me.
getting in the critical care class,
getting in the maternity clinical,
...getting pregnant.

lucky me.
so grateful.

xo

fall break for the last time

hallejulah, it's fall break!
it's so interesting to see how far I've come.

Fall Break, 2009: I packed in 40 hours of work that week and still managed to party every night. I remember this boy buying me two monsters at 5 in the morning, so I could make it at work. That afternoon, I drove to BYU provo during rush hour weaving in and out of consiousness to have a sleepover with my friend, AmberLee. I was at the lowest point of my life, masking behind the best college experience. Getting drunk every week and going out dancing, sleeping over at frat houses with my "girlfriends," or without, driving and driving and making myself get lost so I didn't feel so lonely anymore. It was all pretty ridiculous.

Two years ago in 2010, I married this cute guy that turned everything around for me. It only took us 10 months to say "I do," and everyone thought I was crazy for getting married at 18. I remember that stress stress stressful day that turned out perfectly beautiful, like it was meant to be. I remember that gorgeous honeymoon, that I lost all my pictures to. I remember feeling as beautiful as Anne Hathaway looked at the end of "the other side of Heaven," the morning after we slept in our bed at home. My mom had insisted on buying us new, expensive white sheets to start off our marriage. We lived in the basement of Jeremy's grandparents'. We were broke as a joke, both going to school, madly-in-love newlyweds. it was a dream come true.

Last year in 2011, Jeremy and I were celebrating our first year anniversary in Moab, in attempts to recreate our photos from our honeymoon. I remember going on my fanatic, I-have-to-buy-some-pregnancy-tests mode after our anniversary dinner. We went to the store, and I got mad at Jeremy for not holding the pregnancy test for me. and I refused to take the tests that night, because how could I raise a child with someone who is still so embarrassed/immature about pregnancy tests and tampons!? We made up at 3 in the morning, and I had to pee. I remember thinking how funny I was for being so dramatic probably all for a negative test. That was when God told me I was in for the long haul, and I saw a little ( + ) on the test window. Good thing we just bought a house that was already baby-proofed, right? I remember Jeremy's sweet reaction when I told him, I remember buying a cute little onesie together, I remember Collette pranking-calling Planned Parenthood, in attempts to get me a more accurrate blood test. When they told her they don't offer those services, she asked in her thick southern accent, "so you mean I prolly shouldn't go out drinkin' with the girls tonight?" yeah, we were really mature back then. 

Now it's Fall Break again, and I have an almost-four-month old who delights in playing peek-a-boo. I can't find the words to express how happy I am. It's a pretty exhausting adventure, this whole raising a baby thing. But I'm grateful I get to do it with a man who would sacrifice everything to make sure we are taken care of. Monday marks our two year anniversary, and it marks Amelia's 1/3rd birthday. I am struggling to find a happier time and place in my life.


four years have flown by, and I have to admit... college has been the best 4 years of my life. not because I was independant and partied like crazy, but because I learned to be dependant for the first time in my life. I found myself and I found what makes me happy. I have made some incredible life-long friends, and I've made the most amazing memories. aren't I lucky to be able to say I truly have no regrets.

motherhood

alright. so i've avoided blogging because it told me that I had to pay for data usage. and then I apparently, I can upload pictures again. what?

I'm definitely starting to adopt the hubby's way of life... going with the flow, not worrying about anything, because apparently life really does just works itself out.

okay.

you know the question you get after you have a baby?
"how's being a mom?"

how do you answer that?
"great" is definitely not good enough. or elaborative enough. or powerful enough.
"hard" sounds like you're not grateful, or thrilled.
"hilarious" can't be explained thoroughly

anyways.
it's the greatest, hardest, most hilarious journey I've ever embarked on.

it's great because i've never loved this much. my entire soul and heart goes into growing this little human. I can't believe I adore her more and more everyday. I can't believe how much stronger it's made my marriage. I live everyday to see her smile. to see all her milestones. to listen to her gab about her day. to feel her reach for my lips when i'm talking back. to nurse her. to watch her learn. I love that she already has stranger anxiety; I love that she recognize me as her mama (sorry if she cries for you, but I won't apologize for loving this). it's amazing how smart she is, I can't help but brag. it's great because we were trusted to be parents; i was trusted to be a mother. Someone knew we were ready before we knew it. I still can't believe it. and I feel so blessed.

it's hard because I'm also a student. the first week of school I cried for hours everyday and told jeremy I was quitting. it's hard because it's sleep-depriving. it's hard sometimes I don't know why she is whining and we just stare at each other (i'm asking amelia what's wrong, and she's telling me to fix it). I've never cared too much about being the best at anything; mostly just accepted that I'll do my best and that's all there is to it. but I stress about being the best mom. when I grow old and she grows up, I hope to still be her best friend. it's hard because i hate pumping at school, and feeling engorged during class, or worrying about running out of milk! it's hard because i worry so much, period. it's hard because sometimes when i'm at my ropes end and I get spit up on for the fifth time, I feel like i'm not cut out to be a mommy. it's hard because sometimes uncle travis gets to see her roll over before I do.

it's hilarious because sometimes you just have to laugh. Jeremy sends me all these random picture text and sometimes I laugh out loud in the middle of class. or when there is spit up in my hair before it's even dry. or when we talk for her. Jeremy always uses a mexican accent. ? um anyway. it's hilarious that's she's discovered her lungs. everything she says has to be in a LOUD voice (hm wonder where she got that from...). I love the way she can go from laughing in delight to teary-eyed and right back again. I love her incredible attitude.

there's a million things I wish I could express about motherhood and it's just not quite possible. it's changed me through and through.

st. george

post half marathon

matching hawaiian dresses!

brigham city temple open house

sleeping together, post 1/2 marathon

tummy time

at the zoo, with mr. gorilla

 

please don't think i'm a terrible mother. (she didn't get any) but this picture is undebateably hilarious.

amelia's been hitting some milestones really early:
-she can roll over from back to tummy, and she does it everytime I put her down.
-she's been scooting herself around for a while now; jer thinks she'll be crawling within a month.
-stranger anxiety hit. bad. she cries and it's sad. but I can't lie and say I hate it.
-she's sitting up by herself for about 7 seconds at a time now.
-she is playing her her hands and feet ALL the time.
-always turns towards sounds and noises.

we've got a smart cookie. she never wants anything to pass her by!




motherhood is. everything.

first day of school

and I may or may not be already cracking under the pressure. Maybe I should just quit before I implode.

35

dear amelia ray,

everyday brings us closer and closer together.

which is strange, because there is nothing except a placenta between us.

it's finally may,

we've made it through school

and now it's just the waiting game.

we've enjoyed some pleasant days off together...

kind of.

I don't like sitting still,

and you don't either, it seems.

we're also a little too uncomfortable to be patient enough with delicate crafts

and running errands seem to get us way too winded.

your kicks are becoming quite painful,

and I feel like we both agree you're running out of womb. :)

stretch marks are growing too.

bigger, and in other areas of my body.

the only thing we've been really enjoying is gwackamoley.

kind of, again.

we first had it at aunt collette's graduation party...

ate ourselves sick.

and your uncle travis insists on making more "for his niece"

we're spoiled.

except I have no self-control,

and I've had gwack 4 different times in the last week.

and your daddy thinks we need to take it easy (as if)

I guess it won't take you long to figure out who the real adult is out here.

on wednesday,

we oriented the new accelerated program for nursing school

(part of student government duties)

those kids are on top of the game!

the college of nursing has an official stance on no working while in the program,

and they unoffically tack on, don't get married, and don't have a baby in the program.

oh man, we dropped the ball on some of those, didn't we?

always rebelling, you'll get that from me.

your aunt collette also threw us a gorgeous shower on friday,

because she already loves you so much!

but more on that (with pictures too!) later.

remember how I said we were ready for you in week 34?

well this week I washed all your 0-3 months clothes

and packed our hospital bag

and thought about putting in your carseat base.

baby steps.

we're still getting ready, it seems.

mother's day is just around the corner

and I can't help but think of all life lessons I want to teach you,

and the little things too:

I hope you love yourself for the beauty you have on the inside.

and I hope you will know you are beautiful on the outside (without makeup) too.

truly.

I hope you respect others and respect yourself.

I hope you have the work ethic of your grandparents.

I hope you have the sense of humor to laugh into your old age.

I hope you can't wait to tell me about all your dates, ridiculous ones and wonderful ones.

I hope you find a husband that treats you like your father treats me.

I hope you have children of your own.

I hope for great things for you,

like I've never dreamed for myself.

I hope you get everything you want in life.

and I hope you know how much I love you.

and that you make me a better person, constantly.

and I love myself more, since you've come into existance.

dr. thackery only lets his patients carry their babies 1 week past their due date.

so that's it:

6 weeks tops.

and we've got so much longer together,

so really, what's the rush?

I keep telling myself anyway...

showered by the sweetest future nurses

Last weekend, the girls from nursing school threw me the cutest shower.

Jessica and Melissa have been planning this since pretty much the first week of semester!

It was so sweet and such a perfect conclusion to our second semester.

the food was amazing!

it was a ton of sugar, but so tasty.

we always tease these girls, saying they should be in the relief society presidency

because of all their amazing talents

(cooking, baking, party planning, etc.)

sweet little alicia made the fruit pizza on the right -- perfect, right?

here are a couple of gifts.

I tried really hard to not make weird faces for these pictures,

but you can only do so much when you're pregnant.

{swaddle me wrap; cute outfit; another cute outfit}

we played "guess the price" on baby items,

and I was really embarrassed with my score (5).

Saray got the high score of 9/10!

the girls packed up the items in a cute basket for me to take home,

and I was so excited for all the useful and sweet things!

{swaddle me blanket, outlet plugs, baby wipes, nursing items ;), baby wash, binkies, wash clothes, etc. etc. etc.}

Jessica's cute grandma also made us a sweet pink blanket!

these girls showered us with cute outfits, our first pack of diapers, fingernail clippers & gloves so she doesn't scratch herself, nighties, sunglasses, easy sqeezy feeder, etc. etc. etc.!!!

I always tell everyone this,

but I am so grateful I can truly call these girls some of my closest friends.

I don't know how I would survive nursing school without their support and enthusiam!

good thing we're all baby crazy, huh?

and academically speaking too!

I was so anxious and such a mess my first semester and these girls carried me through.

I'm so glad I get to share a career with these wonderful, loving, classy, intelligent ladies

and I'm so blessed to be loved by all of them.

I'm pretty lucky, what can I say?

{from left to right: Alicia, Miriam, Mikyla, me, Melissa, Jessica, Saray; row 2: Christie & Becca}

{thanks to Jerley, Nicole & Sara too!}

xoxo.

thankful

ever been so happy that everything makes you excited?
so happy that your long long day doesn't even seem long anymore?

we did our clinical lottery for next semester today.

I got my first choice for both rotations:
maternity (out of peds and geriatrics)
and public health (out of oncology and psych).

I have stressing about this all semester.
when they called my name,
I literally got teary-eyed.

I am so so thankful and happy and relieved and grateful.

done for a season

oh my. heck.

I never thought this day would come.

I'm so exhausted, my excitement may be a little diminished.

today was my last day of clinicals

(for the semester).

I'm done until next september.

I'm telling you waking up at 4:30 just completely DRAINS your body.

my patient actually went into the OR for surgery today

(hence my blue scrubs and giant vest to protect amelia ray from the live fluroscopy)

maybe a little immature for me to relate everything I saw in there to what I see in grey's anatomy

but yes, of course I wondered if they were all secretly having affairs with one another.

the OR is complete with white walls, huge bright bright lights, and of course ia frEEEEzing cold.

I'm a little surprised as to how well I have adapted to seeing medical procedures.

seeing cuts through the camera

and a ton of blood

and the suction taking care of all of it,

and moving through different pleuras

and removing bones,

etc, etc, etc.

holy gageebizes!

pretty sure it got me excited to be a surgeon

(since how, you know, christina yang is my idol, and also my nickname in clinicals)

one thing the last couple of days did confirm though:

being a surgeon would be cool for a couple of days...

but being a nurse is my dream.

as challenging and long and stressful and hard this semester has been,

clinicals, sim labs, and didactic courses have confirmed my love for nursing.

and really, it's not that bad. I'm just exhausted all the time.

I just love that I can be proud of what I'm doing.

we all went out to eat afterwards in celebration.

VA2- still the cutest little family from last semester

(minus christie & alicia, and plus jason)

afterwards we were walking to the trax station,

when all of a sudden Dan screams out "AH! my bus!"

and literally bolts it down the hill and across the street,

leaving Miriam and Diana and I to laugh our guts out.

I never wanted to forget this hilarious moment,

even though the girls said no one else would get it,

it was kinda a "you had to be there" sorta thing.

Isi called a while later, and I tried telling him the story through my laughing gasps,

Isi says, "wait, so he fell?"

no, but that would have been even more hilarious

Isi: "I don't get it. Why is this so funny?"

31

it's pretty awesome that I get at least one stranger everyday asking me when I'm due.

still a little taken aback though,

just the concept that I'm big enough for everyone to "know for sure"

i always want to psych people out and say, "no, i'm not pregnant... do i look like i'm pregnant?"

just because I think that would be hilarious to see their reaction, ya know?

but I'm always far to excited/flushing with pride/happy that someone asked to remember.

one of these days,

I'm going to mortify some poor soul. :)

i'm loving the attention, and i love feeling her grow;

good comes with bad though.

i'm pretty sensitive to some comments, even though i try to laugh them off.

a nurse at my work said to me,

"you're looking pretty edematous... in your face, and in your hands"

I just gawked at him.

in my head: I'm in nursing school, I know what you really mean!!!!!

(edematous= swelling)

wth?

who says that?

and then poor jeremy has to stand by and let me buy another outfit to make myself feel better.

don't worry, I'm a bargain shopper :)

the best part of 31 weeks is that Jeremy can FINALLY feel everything I'm feeling

every kick, every roll, every push

he actually thinks, "wow, she's moving a lot lately."

um no.

she's just big enough for you to actually feel now.

she's been pretty active from the very beginning. :)

stubborn, with attitude.

sleep: what sleep?

I haven't slept the whole night for a while

it's fine, I take naps

or zone out in phases of exhaustion during the day.

sometimes you can catch me when i'm giggly,

plenty of other times, i'm pretty grouchy.

my house is a giant mess.

part from lack of habitual cleaning,

part from a million half-started crafts I can't complete until school is over,

part from our frantic remodeling before the baby comes.

(ps. master bedroom is now a beautifully painted green :D )

yes, with a capital D smiley face :D

another great thing about 31 weeks

is that we have another doc. appointment this friday!

remember how I mentioned we're down to every two weeks?

we have 3 of these,

and then we're down to every weeks-

only 4 of those!

and that's if our babe doesn't come early!!

isn't that amazing?

ps. diabetes screening= negative

iron test results= not so bright.

but we'll survive. :)

pps. remember how I totally lost nursing school SAC elections last semester

and was totally disappointed,

but pretended I didn't care all that much?

yeah, meet the new VP for 2012-2013.

thaaaaaaaat's right.

me.

:D

aside from being pregnant...

48 hours of patient care this week.

24 at clinicals, 24 at work

...just saying.

oh, I also may or may not have almost passed out

in a patient's room fully gowned-up as portrayed by the picture above.

remembering

Confession: somedays I'm scared out of my mind to be a nurse.
This week I remember why I want to be a nurse.

1. I had an amazing nurse to follow. She graduated less than a year ago, and remembered exactly what it felt like to be a student. She explained things to me so patiently and helped me feel confident enough perform nursing skills (assessments, IV flushes, hanging IVs, suppositories, DobbHoff tube feedings, meds, sterile technique). I felt like I had all the support in the world to be independent and successful.

2. My patient had such a great improvement from the first day I cared for her to the second. It was so rewarding to watch her devastating stage improve and progress. I was so thrilled when she finally smiled and agreed accept my help. Who knew peri care could be so satisfying?

3. Pallative care. There are no words to describe this. One sure indicator of how someone lived his/her life is the people who choose to be at his/her bedside at the end of it. This patient had his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in his room. It was tragic to watch his beautiful wife hold his hand in the midst of their entire posterity. It was heartwarming to listen to them share hilarious stories in his good memory. My heart broke a million times just standing there in the middle of their infinite love trying to provide comfort.

Sorry I'm not being super detailed. HIPPA requires healthcare providers to keep the privacy of their patients, so nothing I write about can give away who my patient actually is. These last two days have been so rewarding to me and I wish I could share more. Sometime in my CNA career, I struggled too much with the concept of death that it drove me to restrain from any deep emotional connections from my patients. This withdrawal led to difficulties in connecting with my career choice as a nurse, and therefore to a crazy state of insecurities about myself and my skills.

in the end, these experiences prove who I want to be. It's worth holding my bladder for 7+ hours (yes, even with my kicking parasite). It's worth every heartbreak that I don't think I can handle. It's worth 4 years of school that involve too much sleep deprivation. It's all worth it to hold my patients' hand and to promise them that they are more than a just room number to me.