11 + 12

dear babe,

we're almost rounding off 13 weeks as i write this

and to be honest,

it's been tricky trying to find the words for these letters these last couple of weeks to you.

i've thought a lot about how i wanted to remember and frame memories in my life.

usually, it's positive, especially if available to the public.

it's not that i'm ashamed of my struggles

or that i'm trying to hide them,

i have just tried to focus and remember on the good

and to make those the highlights of my life.

so these letters were intended to share with you my joy of growing you

and my hopes and wishes and dreams for you

and i didn't want them to be tarnished.

but then i started thinking

that one day you may carry children of your own

or you may support someone who is carrying your child.

and it may not be completely fair to you that these letters are lacking

of all the struggles, too.

because... it's hard.

sometimes it's hard waiting to get pregnant

sometimes it's hard being so grateful, but also just not wanting to throw up anymore.

sometimes it's hard being scared that your parenting methods may not be enough.

it has been hard in all of these ways for me.

there is a silver lining though.

and because i've done this twice before,

i know it's more than a lining

and it's my whole heart and my whole life:

you.

i spent a lot of week 11 in my jammies, hanging out by the toilet

trying to decide between exhaustion (from taking diclegis) or puking.

you've kept me going this whole time.

despite crying so much,

i've still been able to go to bed with a grateful heart.

i know you'll fill my life with so much joy

(no expectations, it's just what children do for their parents.)

i love you so.

week 12 has had many distractions that has made the in betweens more than tolerable. we enjoyed christmas together (i didn't have to work this entire week!) which i couldn't help but imagine you in our matching jams for next year. driving through christmas in color, with the girls unbuckled and thinking about a new car before you arrive. painting toenails and just wondering if you'll want to join in when you get here. making a "gender check" appointment for you, and we definitely can't wait to find out! scarlett's birthday and party this week and just thinking about how big your sisters will be when you arrive. also, we don't usually buy strawberries in the winter; but it's been a favorite snack of mine, and of course i can't say no to amelia.

we love you so much.

i love you the most!

10

oh babe,

it has been such a good week. if i'm being honest, i've been a little "grinchy" this month. i've just been really down about vomiting so much, but also reserved because i would never want to seem ungrateful for this pregnancy. i finally started diclegis, and that has been absolutely life-changing. i haven't vomited once in the last 3 days, and i'm so happy to be eating again! i've been exercising too, and amelia will remind me if i've skipped a day that i "need to work two times!" to make up. dad rallied behind putting our tree up a few days ago, we decorated our homemade gingerbread houses today, i sent out christmas cards last week announcing your debut, and now most of our family and friends know you're on your way! it's been feeling more and more like christmas each day! amelia and scarlett have been playing together so well and are just the sweetest sisters, watching them makes me so excited for you to join them. watching their individual and cohesive sweetness makes me feel more confident to be a mother of three. i hope you follow their example and love your family and love going to church.

it's a wonderful life!
love,
mom

trying to figure it all out

amelia was enrolled in discovery preschool last school year, and adored ms. holly and absolutely loved her friends. she started the reading program, usually reserved for the 4 year old class, and started to excel in math as well. by the end of the school year, she had completed set 2 and started set 3 in reading for all learners, advancing further than any of ms. holly's students in the past 10 years. she was tested with the 4 year old assessment and had full marks, including the ability to count to 100 (the goal before kindergarten is 20).

with the given information, i stressed over whether or not she would be challenged enough for the next school year. let's admit it, she's gifted. she has an incredible ability to focus and excel in everything she chooses to. i wanted to advocate for her and therefore enrolled her in challenger. over the summer, she completed two kindergarten/1st grade level summer workbooks (about 30 pages a day, and i couldn't get her to stop), completed reading for all learners set 3, 4,  and 5, perfected her handwriting, was taking 1st grade level spelling tests, and started doing math worksheets as she could add her 1's and 2's fluently. i contacted the challenger headmistress to express my concerns of amelia being challenged with their pre-k curriculum, and she agreed to have her assessed to be placed into kindergarten within the first week.

so we proceeded. amelia was nervous and brave about going to a new school. she brought home new letters she had "learned" and her name traced over highlighter. this was incredibly frustrating for me to be paying challenger tuition and seeing lack of evidence of her actually being challenged.

still, i patiently waited until the second week of school to call the headmistress about the results of her assessment. she told me that she was assessed and though she was impressed with her phonic skills, 1) she lacked knowledge of how's and why's, 2) her fine motor skills were below average, and 3) she had been quiet during social time.

i politely refuted with 1) she knows the sounds of all the letters of the alphabet, her vowels and consonants, the 1 and 2 vowel rule, the hard and soft c and g rule; she might not be able to express it when you present it in a question that is unfamiliar to her, but she is able to follow the rules as she is reading, so...? 2) she can write all her upper and lowercase letters, numbers, she can write her full name and everyone in her immediate family's and all of her cousin's names unassisted, she takes spelling tests at home; how can her fine motor skills be improved at a pre-k/kindergarten level? 3) she is a naturally quiet girl. she just barely came out of her shell at her previous school, at church, etc. i believe she is overwhelmed in a new school, with new teachers, with 26 students in her class, but still reacting bravely and behaving appropriately for the situation.

she expressed that she was shocked that she could write her own name and promised she would pass this information on to her teachers. i wondered, how could they could tell me her fine motor skills were below average, when they had not even assessed her?

later that week, she brought this^^ come in her backpack. but the headmistress did not give me a call to followup with her being challenged. we scheduled an appointment with her at the end of the 3rd friday. in the meeting, she discussed how amelia never offers the answer in a group setting (even if she knows the answer), how amelia seeks for approval from her teacher to make sure she's doing her paperwork correctly, how she had challenged the students to take a spelling test, but amelia wrote all of her spelling words across in a row, instead of down in column, etc. i refuted that she's not arrogant and is probably still nervous in a new school setting, that she's a perfectionist and wants to make sure she's doing her paperwork correctly, and (wth??) why is the way she wrote her spelling test even related? i can teach her to write her words down in a column if this is a true concern.

but those were her feeble attempts at saying amelia couldn't advance to their kindergarten class. she told us that she was an excellent reader, and would be the most advanced reader in even their kindergarten program, but how many grades are we willing to skip her? she told us that to advance her to kindergarten, she would have to test and be at the top of the kindergarten grade level; that she felt it would be better for amelia to be the top-dog in pre-k, than in the middle of kindergarten. jer and i explained that we wouldn't want to skip her more than 1 grade, that it makes no sense that she had to be smarter than any other kindergartner to be in the class, that in our family we teach to do our best, and not necessarily to better than anyone else or to be the "top-dog", and that we would prefer her to be the in middle of a class for her to grow and stretch, than remain stationary at the top of a class. she pushed back that amelia was not as advanced in other areas of the curriculum; and jer told her she was adding 1's and 2's fluently. she was shocked and stated she had not known that.

finally, she told us their kindergarten program was completely full and we were welcome to try other challenger campuses. and then she offered the suggestion of homeschooling, since i was already doing it so well (this felt slightly patronizing). i felt like a crazy helicopter mom when we left. i distinctly remember my chest hurting and having trouble breathing, but not feeling panic or urge to cry; i still believe it was the help of my medication keeping a panic attack at bay. jer and i prayed and stressed over what was best for our babe. in the end, i emailed ms. holly at discovery kids preschool to see if she could consider opening up another slot for amelia. she replied that though she was strict about her 10-student class cap, she was willing make an exception for such a happy and well-behaved student. she emailed the other 10 sets of parents for their consent, who responded with an unanimous 'yes' to accept amelia back.

this was taken the week we withdrew amelia from challenger. she had earned her "alphabet crown" (for knowing her letters, their sounds, and the vowels) 4 weeks in (4 weeks too late, in our opinion). ms. holly informed us of amelia's acceptance on a tuesday and immediately made a plan with me to continue to challenge amelia. when i asked amelia if she wanted to go back to ms. holly next week, she told me, "no, i want to go back this week!" and so, we started that following friday. she was so, so happy to be back with her friends; she kept saying she was so excited to be with brooklyn and harper and penny and aiden and flynn again.

we made treat bags to say 'thank you.' i teared up with gratitude from the other parents and students and holly who had lovingly accepted her back. when she arrived, so many of her friends shouted, "millie's HERE! she's BACK!" ms. holly had told me that she always asks the students at the beginning of class, "who's missing?" and everyday they would say "millie!" and she would have to remind them that she had transferred schools.

what an adventure. i felt like i made a huge mess of things by ripping her out of a comfortable place, only to have to backpedal and return her. i wanted what was best for her, but it just felt like i created a disaster. when the dust settled, and i realized that parenting is a whole lot of trial and error. hopefully she'll realize this when she's grown and be forgiving of my errors. we're still unsure of what to do for kindergarten, but i figured regardless of what direction we choose, we could just take it easy and keep supplementing in whatever way we can at home.

i love this girl so much. i love her drive to learn and her determination to do her very best.

mother's day

amelia brought home a wrapped mother's day gift from preschool on thursday. she was very serious about me not opening it until sunday, the actual mother's day. she held strong all afternoon and evening, not even telling me what was inside. however, by friday, she cracked... and asked me to open her gift. it was a sweet magnet for me fridge and a darling card, and she was so please with herself.

she helped daddy and scarlett pick out my mother's day flowers and chocolate while I worked on saturday night as well. she woke me up sunday morning and yelled "IT'S MOTHER'S DAY! YOUR FLOWERS ARE BY THE PIANO! COME SEE!" and I was so excited and happy. it was around this time that our family seriously discussed the difference between secrets and surprises, because we have no secrets in our family.

I am so grateful to be a mother. I do not take it lightly or for granted. I am well aware of the struggle of infertility that so many women face, that break so many hearts; and I will never forget it. I get up every day to nurture, and I dedicate my entire purpose to mother them. I have bad days, and I yell and cry and say the wrong things and lose my patience often, but I try my best. I think about where I can do better and I get up the next day and try my best again. motherhood is all the confusing feelings and emotions and it's so incredibly lovely and difficult at the same time.

xo

on anxiety and depression

ah. where to start?
this obligation to journal these feelings and my struggle to put them in to words is what kept me from blogging for so long. and such a taboo topic, right? I tried writing this so many times and couldn't decide how to approach this. it was noticed, seriously noticed, by jeremy and my family around me a few months after scarlett was born. but I think there were signs before her birth-- clear signs of anxiety and clear signs of depression, but also seriously denied. I constantly stressed-- not about normal, logical things. about bizarre, sad things.

post-partum depression. I had heard so much about it, I had taught so much about it with discharge education. and still, it seemed so foreign and easy to deny when it happened to me. I feel like when we talk about it, we either put it lightly-- baby blues, or-- we talk about how the mom is completely bat-sh** crazy (which there is some truth to that too. but nobody wants to be or admit that they are crazy...) I'm here to say that this is some in-between. the overwhelming new adventure that doesn't really feel at all fun. I wept daily, I yelled daily, and I especially felt so so guilty that we had worked so hard to finally be at a place where I could stay home with the girls-- a dream come true, and now I felt absolutely trapped. and selfish. and ungrateful. I was stuck between wanting and needing a break all the time and not asking for help, because this was suppose to be my dream!

I constantly felt like I couldn't take it anymore, and yet, I refused to give up. I refused to listen to anyone's questions of post-partum depression. jeremy, collette, emily. over and over, and there was no way to get through to me. my daily weepings became weekly meltdowns and my weekly meltdowns led to a night where I locked myself in a room with a bottle of pills trying to think of one good reason my family, or really, anyone in the world, needed me. jeremy got collette to come over and somehow she made everything seem a little better for the moment. they set up therapy sessions for me through lds family services and arranged for childcare as well, which was pretty crucial, because my kids were kinda my excuse out of anything.

geez, I was a hot mess when I showed up the next morning. I started crying at the front desk, and I completely lost it when my therapist opened with, "so tell me what's going on." (and "lost it" is an understatement, I couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard, and I just wanted to stop because I felt so ridiculous being so out of control in front of a stranger.) obviously, I didn't know where to begin. she helped me get the words out. and she had me set up goals for the week to hang on my fridge-- exercise at least 2x a week and shower daily. you can laugh if you want, but I honestly was not showering regularly at this point. she asked me about seeing me again next week, and she could see how I was hesitant to leave my girls, and she said something that will stay with me forever: "if you don't take the time away from them to heal, then you won't be there at all. your girls will completely lose their mother." and that was enough for me to promise one more week.

sessions led to breakthroughs and understanding that my high expectations of myself weren't exactly realistic. she helped me change the way I think, my all-or-nothing mentality. she would also ask me about my consideration of medication every session, and it made me crazy. ( because I was strong! and I didn't need medication!) this is where I finally understood why I needed to have a kidney stone a few months earlier. for some reason, I needed to be completely broken down to be able accept help from medication. I made an appointment with a new general practitioner, who started me on the lowest dose of celexa after I scored a 21 on the CESD-R.

it got worse before it got better. and then slowly, but surely, I started enjoying being a mother again. I started being able to laugh about the crazy, ridiculous things that my children did or said. I started feeling more like me again. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it's all going to be okay, that there's no point in being miserable if I can be happy, that I am still strong if I take medication to help with anxiety and depression. and my days aren't perfect-- I didn't magically become the best mom in the world who never makes mistakes, and my irrational thoughts and worrying didn't disappear. I am just better armed with tools to help me decide what is rational and what is not, to make mistakes with grace and try again tomorrow, to help me have more good days than bad.

why am I oversharing this very personal and very vulnerable part of me? I don't know, maybe you're crazy, you can take comfort in knowing that someone else is crazy too. and that it can get better.
I'm not even going to proofread this, I'm just going to be brave and post!
hopefully it makes some sense.
xo

5/31//

I'm not going to lie, I don't have a huge spiritual message to share today. I took Amelia to the bathroom when we sustained members into new callings, I nursed Scarlett during sacrament, and then rocked her to sleeping during an entire talk. When I finally sat back down, I wanted to cry and I wanted to leave. I just felt emotionally drained as I tried to remember what was said about "keeping the Sabbath day holy." I sat there after the meeting ended, just trying to will myself to go to the remaining two meetings. A dear sister came up to me with her daughters (whom I loved from young women's), she told me: every time she hears a baby cry in sacrament, she remembers how much she misses this stage of motherhood. She told me she knows it is so hard, but this time will pass quickly. (Amelia is crawling all over me, I'm holding both girls, and I'm totally bawling at this point) She told me I am everything to these girls, their whole world; that one day they will listen to their friends more than they listen to me. She told me that I was doing a great job, and my girls knew it. She and her girls gave me (us) a hug, and I was so grateful this sweet moment that I needed.

it's so hard, but it's so good too.

may for the bodtchers

scarlett and her faces. also, we love pretending she has hair when we get her in her jammies// "mom, can we just hold hands without you taking a picture?"//selfie // oh, did I mention someone crashed into our terrain? it was suuuuch a mess dealing with the other party and their insurance, but thankfully nobody was hurt and we had a sweet lady that stopped and offered herself as a witness// amelia doing my hair... yikes!// "holy poly!!!!!!!"// millie girl helping me bring dinner to a sister who just had a baby. I'm grateful for opportunities to serve, and opportunities to teach my children about service// this girl's face when "shake it off" is playing.

reptile time at the South Jordan library... amelia was terrified of all displays and refused to touch any of them// make-shift storytime// jeremy and I had love and logic parenting classes for date night three weeks in a row// trying again @ zoo-mania at the Herriman library// amelia kept asking for a horse, but unfortunately there was only a parrot, giant bunny, huge dog, iguana, snake, tortoise, etc. etc. geez, what a disappointment// amelia braving-up and giving the animals some love ////

I just adore their sisterhood, how they always smile and laugh together!// these little braids just melt me// found bird poop on her slide and told her to give me her "yuck" face// selfie// I love staring at their sleeping faces// criss-cross was the hardest hair-do attempt I ever made, and it came out before naptime... ummm???// giving her babies a little spin...

at the Payson Temple open house// amelia was such a sweetheart, loving the temple, wanting to get baptized in a font, married in the sealing room. maybe all my talking doesn't fall on deaf ears??// the last picture of scarlett with a paci, yup... at 4.5 months!// I asked big sister what she thought about the nickname "lettie" and she said, "lettie spaghetti!?" and we love it!// second time on the ferris wheel at Scheel's, could have been her first!// scarlett watching the ferris wheel... the best!// millie girl carrying her church backpack backwards?// selfie! (bet you didn't see that coming)

thought we could include Scarlett since she wasn't napping// loves these babies as much as millie does// cruising on her balance bike with her feet as high as she can get them//watching the crazy rain with daddy// "bunny ears" (we're working on it)// "make a kissy face!"

we have fun// scarlett anne + her smiles// I was wearing scarlett while cooking lunch, and she grabbed the pan and got these second-degree burns. I panicked and soaked her hand in lavender oils and gave her tylenol and nursed her while I bawled// her pediatrician comforted us, ordered for antibiotics, and got this cute wrap on that lasted for about 3 minutes... all around an emotional mommy day for me// finished our love & logic class and got our licenses to parent, yo! (kidding)// these glasses totally make all of us look cooler//

(this gap right here^ is making me crrrrrrrray-cray)

amelia and her style, gets me every time// this birthday cake// rough days lately. went on a run to the lake, crossing a bridge, a slow song came on, and this giant shooting star fell out of nowhere, like God saying, "it's going to okay."// oh, did I mention that our prius' battery died? and the girls and I drove jer around for the second half of his work day? it was rough, but I just kept looking and cracking up at this picture of my scarlett// breakfast time with these girls// just matching hair-dos, no biggie// i ordered a basket for amelia's bike last month and it was wayyy too gigantic. she's been needing a little something to tote her smoothie + chalk around, and it's not like I have a lot of extra hands. ready for an instant bike basket tutorial? cheap basket with holes ($2) + 3 zip ties (87 cents for a pack of 20). I bet you can figure out the instructions. you're welcome.

a year and a half ago, I sold my double jogging stroller. I was bitter and sad about it. One random day at the park, I was talking to a mama with two boys... and a double jogging stroller... yes, the very same one I had sold so long ago! it was a sweet reminder that this world is small, and blessings come, and God is everywhere// oh, just me and my splint for my de quervain's tenosynovitis, nothing to see here// out on a walk with with sleeping scarlett and my one-antennaed bumblebee// first swim day of the summer!// jer got all the weed barrier down in our flower beds, now we just need the dripline and the rocks, and we are done with the yard!// rocking on the front porch one evening, amelia hands jeremy her baby and asks, "daddy will you feed rose?" j: where's the bottle? a: no, with your boob! (oh he is such a good daddy)// sunday dinner with my parents, they just love the girls so much// watering our tomato plant for the first time (it's been raining most of may!)


may was rough on us, but also beautiful in it's own way.
xo

5/24//

choice and accountability
plan of salvation
our savior, his perfect example + the atonement
scripture study

these were the themes that stood out most to me in our three hour block today. i'm grateful that these are central to my religion and how much they impact me. 1 pm church is hard on our babies, and hard on us. after sacrament, jer took amelia to nursery while i rocked sleeping scarlett. our bishop approached us, asked how i was feeling, and i about lost it on him, he certainly seems to always know exactly what we collectively and individually need, and i'm so grateful he serves us.

in other news, i got a new calling today!

and i fell asleep while jer and the girls were playing around and woke up to an empty house. it's refreshing and spooky at the same time. they'll be back soon, but i'll admit it's nice to have a little time to myself to finish complete sentences in my head.

happy sabbath! xo

5/17//

Ward conference this sunday, and the bishop felt it necessary to remind us to do our daily prayer + scripture study. I was in the mother's room nursing, and was just thinking about how much a bishop loves his congregation. I've felt so much love and revelation from each bishop I've had, and I am so grateful for that.

Jeremy took Scarlett for the third hour, so I took notes in Relief Society... imagine that! Our stake RS president start us off with a quote from Sister Julie B. Beck, "the ability to qualify for, receive, act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life." She asked us, like we were asked by Elder Klebingat in General Conference, how would you feel if you had an interview with the savior in one minute? Immediately, I thought... oh no! This is not a good time... But I'm relieved that I was reminded that Christ would take us as imperfect as we are, and love us and advocate for us anyway. I need Him, in my most struggling times, I need Him!

Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence:
1. Take responsibility for you own spiritual well being. It truly isn't anyone else's responsibility or fault.

2. Take responsibility for your physical well being. Our body is the vessel God gave us to house our spirits. President Hansen from our stake presidency added that President Packer had said, "the word of wisdom is the key to personal revelation".

3. Embrace voluntary, whole-heart obedience as part of your life. You cannot love God if you don't love His commandments. Our visiting teaching messages this year are focused on the attributes of Christ, and the first attribute in January was obedience. Christ truly did everything that his Father ask of him. Personally, how can I not give in and fulfill my callings? I loved this quote by Sister Beck (again) that was shared, "through relief society and visiting teaching, we practice being disciples of Christ. We learn what He would have us learn, we do what what He would have us do, and we become what He would have us become."

4. Repent thoroughly and quickly. Embrace the atonement, do it daily, make it a lifestyle choice. From President Ezra Taft Benson, "The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take the people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature... Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world."

5. Forgive. As quickly as you'd seek grace, give it. Don't hold grudges, don't bear ill feelings. The Savior seeks the mend our hearts + heal our souls, His grace is sufficient.

6. Accept trials, setbacks, surprises as part of your mortal experience. Partner with Christ to endure to the end; choose to place Him in the center of your life. Follow His teachings, walk in His footsteps.

President Hansen closed by suggesting we be tenacious in inviting the spirit of Heavenly Father into our homes. 

Boy, was I spiritually fed. It seems that I always am when I'm having a hard week. I feel rejuvenated and inspired to: make it a routine to shower + read 10 verses every night, prepare family home evening every.week, somehow squeeze exercising into the whole deal, go to Heavenly Father when times are hard (not just when they are really really really hard), forgive and apologize too, and trust in the Lord. Come what may!!

Also, our opening song was "As sisters in Zion" I love the second verse: the errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name.

Hope you had a wonderful Sabbath!
xo

mother's day

on mother's day, i posted:
"this divine, sacred calling that is so, so hard has me in tears + on my knees almost every single day. i'm so grateful + overwhelmed to be trusted with this responsibility to grow and nurture these little spirits. last mother's day, we found out that scarlett was on her way, my arms have never been more full, but neither has my heart.

happy mother's day to you, regardless of what stage of motherhood you're in! thank you for inspiring me to love more + give more!"


what else is there to say? i've given every ounce of myself to this calling, and so has all my examples of motherhood. i dare say there's nothing more powerful than a mother's love.

xo

on a blasted kidney stone

I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling completely normal. By 11 am, I was cramping, puking, and suffering from left flank pain. I ran through the possibilities in my head... and immediately took a pregnancy test: negative. Jeremy asked if I had food poisoning from the egg salad I made earlier (guys, he hates hard-boiled eggs and is always giving me hard time about it), which I doubted, but was willing to entertain the idea. I spent the rest of the morning sleeping on a heating pad, but could never get comfortable. I remember telling Jeremy that I think we needed to go to the ER because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I called my friend, Jeff, who works in the emergency department and asked what they would do for me. He guessed that I had a kidney stone and gently told me they would most likely medicate me and send me home to pass it on my own. Awesome. My instinct was to suck it up and lay as still as possible. Around 5 pm, Jeremy convinced me to take the girls to his parents and head into the ER at IMC. By this point, I was willing to pay the $540938508 bill to end the pain. I remember just sitting on our bench while Jeremy got the girls ready. Amelia looked up at me and asked, "you sick, mommy? you need candy?" and all I could do was nod at that sweet girl.

I sobbed and puked for two hours before getting into a room. I kept asking how much longer before I could have some pain medication. I knew I sounded like a druggie, but the pain was making me crazy! When the physician came in, he told me my WBC count was 15 (elevated) and we would do a CT scan to determine the cause. My nurse came in shortly after to hang fluids; I was so disappointed she didn't have anything to relieve the pain, I could barely speak to her. Soon after, a different nurse (relieving my nurse on a break) brought me some zofran and dilaudid. Jeremy later told me he was thinking Are you serious? She's never had anything more than a motrin, maybe let's start with something lighter? but decided he would let me handle it, since I was the one in pain. I watched him slowly push it through my iv and my head began to feel heavy and hazy and the pain disappeared. I liked dilaudid.

The next two hours seemed to fly by. Time doesn't drag when you're not in pain! The CT scan concurred I had a 6 mm stone in my left ureter. The doc came in and told me I had a 60% chance of passing in on my own, and to schedule an appointment with the urologist if I hadn't passed it within a week. He wrote me a prescription for zofran, percocet, and flomax (to relax and help dilate my ureter). 

We picked up the girls and headed to the pharmacy. I felt on top of the world! Until I was in line at the pharmacy to get my meds and puked multiple times into my travel-sized blue bag. Yikes! I was more mortified than everyone else in line, but probably only by a little bit...

I felt amazing the next day (Monday). I was sure the the stone had passed into my bladder, and I was so thankful this ordeal had been so easy. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. By 3:00 am on Tuesday morning, the pain had returned worse than ever. I took a perc and tried to sleep through the pain. It mostly just dulled everything, all my senses, but barely touched the pain. It was frustrating and I refused to take it while I was caring for my girls alone (my mom came over for the girls so I could lay down). Wednesday, again, was a pain-free day. I was again hopeful that the stone had passed.

But by early Thursday morning, I realized I was again mistaken. I was sobbing as the pain had once again become unbearable. I waited until 9 am to speak to the urology office, who stated they would call me back. I couldn't keep any. thing. down for the entire day, not even water. I stopped eating and drinking because I was so tired of throwing up bile. I called the office again around 4 pm, because I was scared they had forgotten about me. I had a horrible conversation with the receptionist and I sobbed to Jeremy, mostly saying SHE CAN'T TALK LIKE THAT TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN IN PAIN FOR HOURS, WHAT THE EXPLETIVE IS WRONG WITH HER!? I ended up taking 2 percs that evening, and laid in bed completely wiped out. I told Jeremy I wasn't sure I'd have another baby unmedicated knowing how relaxing being pain-free felt. I ended up throwing up shortly afterwards. The urology office called me back and scheduled an x-ray and and appointment with the PA for the next morning. I was so relieved. My visiting teacher, Brianna, who had checked up on me all week, came over and play with my kids, sent her husband over that night to help Jeremy give me a blessing. I'm so thankful for the Visiting Teaching Organization and for the power of Priesthood. The pain remained a slight ache until Monday morning, and I was thankful for that too.

Jeremy was able to come to the urologist appointment with me. The x-ray showed that the stone had barely moved down. The PA explained to me that the pain isn't caused by the stone itself, but by the pressure of the urine attempting to travel down/move the stone. My body is smart, so it knows to filter urine on the unaffected kidney, and so the pain stops. Then my body thinks everything is back to normal, attempts to filter my urine on both sides, and the pain returns. The PA told me it was unlikely that I would pass the stone on my own, and suggested surgery for the following Monday. I froze and wondered if I'd be able to make it that long and what I was suppose to do with my girls. Jeremy asked if she would write something for me for anxiety. AHA!

The night I had a little panic attack. With the pattern of unbearable pain every other day, I was sure Saturday was going to be tragic. Jeremy calmed me down, reminded me he'd be here all day, that I'd be able to stay in bed and not move at all. Saturday came without pain and I actually went into work that evening for a full 12 hours. Sunday was tolerable as well, and I was beginning to wonder if I had passed the stone, if surgery on Monday was necessary? Jeremy and I debated on this topic for a while. It was driving me nuts being so unsure, and Jeremy told me he was nervous for that .01% of a freak chance that I died during a procedure.

Luckily/unluckily, the pain returned early Monday morning and the surgery was on. Jer had me take a zofran and half a percocet, and told me he'd be back from work to take me to the hospital for my check in time at 11:15. With the percocet, I could still feel moderate pain on my left flank, and a small ache on my right flank (what?!). The girls and I played and I hugged and kissed them lots.

We took Scarlett over to my dad and Amelia over to the Robbins' and we were off. My nurses were incredibly warm; we talked about my babies while they put and iv in and ran fluids through me. I met my urologist, Dr. Mangelson, and my anesthesiologist, Dr. de la Garza. Dr. Mangelson and I agreed to first attempt to blast the stone with shock waves-- the least invasive procedure. I was wheeled down to the OR, and Jeremy kissed me like it was our last kiss. Oh, he loves me. I told him to get some lunch and that I'd see him soon. Dr. de la Garza advised me to pump and dump just once after my surgery and told me he'd take good care of me. I was strangely calm up until this point. I had transferred on the operating table, given up my glasses, taken my pants off, and was waiting while shivering. I said a little prayer, and heard Dr. de la Garza say, "Liana, I'm going to give you something to help you relax." Perfect.

I woke up saying, "oh man, I really have to pee." My nurse responded, "oh honey, you have a bedpan underneath you, go ahead and go." I cracked up and asked, "how did you know I had to go?" and she responded, "you've told me a couple of times. don't worry, it's normal to repeat yourself while you wake up." I laughed even harder... Oh man, hopefully I didn't blurt out anything horrifying... Shortly after, I got my glasses back and returned to my post-op room.

Dr. Mangelson had already updated Jeremy, but he returned to talk to me as well. He told me the stone was so easy to "blast to dust" that it probably wasn't calcium-concentrated. He said that it was a "lactation stone," likely formed from dehydration during my pregnancy and current lactation (another fear to overcome before getting pregnant again). He had given me lasix, so I peed three more times before I left the hospital. Peeing was painful for the next few days, but otherwise I've never looked back!



I'm not really sure why this had to happened. It was close to being the greatest trial I've ever had (which I know makes me lucky)! I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman. Still, I learned to ask for help and cried on the shoulders of someone I barely knew. I was humbled by how much she served me with happiness and love. This experience taught me to love more, to serve more and I will be better for it.

xo

just call me al borland

I'm not sure if this is common knowledge, but our sleigh bed broke a few months ago. You know the black one that matches our dresser and night stand? Yikes! I wanted to replace the awkward hole with something, but all my research indicated I either needed to put down $190490398 to buy a new headboard or maybe look into some DIY. So, off to pinterest I went.

Can I just say that the tutorials out there aren't that great? I'm a look through the pictures, that seems do-able, kinda gal. Unfortunately, I hadn't set out to do a tutorial and do not have many pictures to show for this project. Bear with me though! It's so easy, and so worth the $50!!! I debated a long time on how I wanted to do this, especially since I knew Jer had hesitations with putting holes into our walls to hang anything (seriously, all our photos are hung with command strips). Finally, I took the plunge and went to Home Depot and Hobby Lobby by myself to get all the materials

Materials:
cheapest sturdy 4'x8' plywood board- $9
two 2"x4"x14' boards - $6.50 +$1 (I got a piece on clearance, score!)
foam- $16
2 yards of duck fabric- $ 12

I measured around our queen bed and decided I wanted our board to be 60" x 35" Home Depot has amazing customer service and will cut anything to size for you! I told the man helping me I was making a headboard, and wanted the cheapest board I could get my hands on. He literally asked me, "Well, are you going to be banging against it a lot?" Seriously, still dying about this. Anyways, I had him cut the plywood to size, and the 2"x 4"s into pieces to frame around the back, flush with the plywood and one extra piece for the center to prevent bowing of the board (wow, if that wasn't a run on sentence, not sure what is).

Don't worry, my 25 week bump and I didn't really do any of the framing... Jeremy doesn't really trust me with his tools. HA! Thanks babe, for supporting my projects!

Finally, the easy part... hand-stapling the foam and fabric to the wood. It's really as easy as it sounds... just staple, staple, staple. I also had a hammer handy to nail in the staples tight. Don't be like me and staple yourself twice... Also, don't be like me and bang yourself on the head and the thumb. I text this information to Jeremy, and he called to make sure I didn't give myself a concussion.

Oh my land, I'm proud of this piece of work! Sorry this wasn't a great tutorial, it wasn't meant to be! I'm just proud that I was able to think outside the box to create something on my own. Oh and ps. Jer "put holes in our walls" and this headboard is hung behind our bed.

xoxo

a note on clarity

It's funny how sometimes all your dreams come true but they didn't work out how you imagined it and you forget how blessed you are. A few weeks ago, I started my new job on the mom-baby unit at IMC. I was so excited and couldn't believe I got to work with moms and babies all day long. That same week, I interviewed for a job on the labor and delivery unit for the University Hospital. I felt so crummy the night before, I almost called to decline the interview. I didn't though, and I had the best interview of my life with the warmest nursing administration, and I had such a strong calling of where I was suppose to be.

Have I ever told you why I want to be a labor and delivery nurse? With every experience in a labor and delivery, I've felt a sacredness that envelopes my little corner of the world. It is so special to help these moms welcome their sweet babes into a scary world. And it is so special to watch these moms comfort their screaming babies, because it's not so scary after all with mom protecting you. Sure, there's a lot of nursing responsibilities that fit outside this perfect window, but it's the minutes that baby comes out and howls on mom's chest that I live for. It's the reason why labor and delivery is my dream job.

Two weeks later, the nursing manager called me and offered my dream job to me. I couldn't believe it was real life. I passed my drug screen, background check, vaccinations, references, and received my schedule for orientation. 12 weeks of varying day and night shifts.

Have I ever told you why I didn't want to be a mother? This world is a scary place. A scary place with lots of scary people and scary experiences that I don't want my children to face. I'm terrified every day of falling short from protecting, teaching, growing, being patient with, mothering my children. I'm terrified of not being a good mother. When I finally held my baby girl in my arms, I finally knew that all I needed to do was to pray a lot and try my best.

I could not feel more unsure of my situation. Jeremy and I have always wanted to raise our own children. We've struggled from the beginning, but we've made it work with a few sacrifices. With this job offer, I felt so uneasy and unsettled. For the next week, I bawled through phone calls of daycare inquiries and tours. I laid in bed with Jeremy and bawled through questions of whether they would love my Millie babe the same way I do. We prayed lots and I did my best.

In the end, I declined the job offer for labor and delivery. While this wasn't an easy decision, I had to take a step back and ask myself what I really wanted in life. I'm 22 years old. I married the love of my life, and all my dreams came true with him. I am a college graduate with a blooming career. I am a mom, and I get to raise beautiful children. I'm so blessed with what He has placed before me. I want to be in the home and grow my children. It will only be another decade that I get to snuggle their sweet faces and kiss their toes and teach them about bugs and the temple and being polite. And after that, I'll have years to work. I'll have years to get my dream job offer again.

But I don't you to think that I don't already have my dream job.

Millie babe and I at Scarlett's first ultrasound

lately

A little update on us Bodtchers, while we've been deathly ill the last week:

On top of a few other sketchy things, Jeremy's (45-55 hr/week) job decided they were going to change from hourly to salary pay without a raise and expect everyone to work 40-60 hours. It was stressful for a minute, but Jeremy got a job interview and job offer within the next week. The best part is he gets to work with his besties from his first home health job, and we know he'll be taken care of. The unique factor is they also asked him to be the Director of Nursing at a small facility. (This cracks me up, because Jeremy has been avoiding DON job offers since he graduated). Fortunately, we both have a good feeling about this. I'm just so proud of the nurse he is and the reputation he has that so many people are willing to give him a good recommendation. So happy that he got his dream job back!


We (and by we, I mean Jeremy and his dad and brothers) are making major progress on the basement. Molding and walls are painted, electrical is trimmed in, and 2000 pounds of tile have been transported down (by my macho man j-dawg). We're hoping to paint the ceiling this week, lay some tile down in the bath and kitchen, and order some cabinets. After the cabinets are in, we literally have to finish the molding in the tile areas, buy light covers, and put in carpet. AHHHHHH! It's seriously been a long time coming.

Amelia is continually growing leaps and bounds. She copies me with almost everything I do (so sweet, but also a little scary) and she understands almost everything I ask of her. This stage is amazing, because she is happy doing chores with me all day. Literally, she will watch me cook breakfast on her step stool, help me unload every dish in the dishwasher, she loves "sweeping," hand me everything in the laundry basket, pick up all the toys on the floor, and we just read read read and go on walks to the mailbox, have lunch, take a nap, and wait for dada to come home. Routine holds a special place in my heart, and I'm so grateful Amelia is loving it too. Amelia's also saying "baby" all day long now, and it melt me so much. I can't believe that my baby is almost 20 months, and grows closer and closer to TWO YEARS OLD every single day. Also, Jeremy found Amelia sitting up on her changing table one the morning, panicked, and did find an even lower setting on her crib. Ha!

I had another death on the morning of the 18th. I think it gets easier and easier the more it happens, it hardly even phases Jeremy anymore. In the moment, everything happens so fast, and I'm just so concerned with taking care of the family and making sure I'm taking care of their every needs (even though I have 12 other patients on a slow day). But afterwards, an hour after your shift, when you get weepy in the bathroom by yourself, and the reflection of your nursing care and question of if there was anything more you could have done weighs in, that is when everything slows down and you really feel the ton of bricks that hit you two hours ago. I do hope it gets easier. I mean, it's not hard, I just hope it's not so hard for me anymore.


Finally, I signed up for a marathon. The SLC marathon in April, to be specific. I think it's helping me deal with my anxiety better, as exercise commonly does. I'm currently on week 3 of 15, and I've coincidentally lost 3 pounds. I run 4 days a week, 3 short runs and 1 long. Today, I ran 9 miles in 91 minutes. The crazy thing about long runs is how deathly you feel the entire time, but how strong and emotional you feel when you finally finish. I'm so excited, and my one goal is to finish under five hours (not a fast runner here, obvi).


We have our ups and downs around here, but we're still feeling so blessed for our little journey.

progress.

love that my fil is smiling for this pic. 

These images are unedited. Our good ole basement project is moving along quite nicely, I must say (not that I'm doing any of the work, mostly just overseeing and harassing the men working). I am so thankful for Jeremy's family, for their knowledge in construction and for their endless willingness to help. Finishing this project means so much to us, and I am so excited for the next step- sheetrock!

three years

Yesterday was our three year wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been three years, and I can't believe it's only been three years. We celebrated by serving as proxies for sealings at the Salt Lake Temple. I got pretty emotional seeing other couples who couldn't even physically kneel across the altar, but were still diligently attending the temple weekly. Everyone there had been married for 45+ years; we were just babies. The sealer gave us, the proxies, and those who have passed on, some inspiring instruction. One couple was having a bad day, they had been married for 48 years, they mentioned eternity is a long, looooooooooooooooong time. The sealer responded that husbands need that time to perfect themselves to be worthy of their wives. Jeremy squeezed my hand three times fast, three times fast for "I love you." Gosh, you guys, marriage is hard. This session did put things in perspective for me: at the end of the day, that extra dish in the sink won't matter; at the end of the day, laundry sitting around and dirty floors won't matter; at the end of the day, the basement not getting finished won't matter. At the end of the day, it's just me and my mister, and the way it feels being wrapped up in his arms.

Eternity sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

PS. We also went to the Melting Pot, for both of ours' first times. I totally understand what the hype is all about.

xo


1 year
2 years

through the eyes of a t3i

I've been feeling a little down lately. I heard the song "When you were young" by the Killers a few weeks ago at work, started listening to it on repeat, started remembering a lot of things I really didn't want to. Subsequently, I felt like I was struggling in all aspects of my life: being a good nurse, being a good friend, being a good mother, being a good wife, being a good child of God. "Good" being in all-encompassing word, right?

I got my canon t3i this week, and I think it's really help me heal. I've been focusing on the beauty in the world, and it's so refreshing. In all aspects too. My life is pretty beautiful, and I am really blessed. I post my favorite photo of the day, here.

xoxo