leaves

I got some good advice from a great mother recently: have fun and remember to smell the roses with your little one(s).

Life can get kind of crazy. I worked a full shift on Thursday night, and had to wake up as a mommy after 2 hours of sleep Friday morning when Jeremy went to work. e v e r y t h i n g  was getting under my skin. Amelia had a poopy diaper, the bag of diapers on our steps was full, our family room was tornadoed by toys, dishes in the sink, no smoothies in the fridge, no veggies stocked up for dinner. Finally, I yell at Amelia.

And then I broke down, got on my knees, and prayed. I prayed for the energy to be a good mother. I prayed for patience. I prayed for my working husband. I prayed for everything to be alright. and then I got up, inhaled a drop of orange oil, and everything was fine.

When the sun came out in the afternoon, Amelia and I took a walk around our neighborhood. She loves her leaves; she picks them out, one by one, and carries them in her other arm (we may need to get a little basket). Sometimes, her hands are too full to hold mine and that's okay. Because, she usually finds a way to organize her leaves, reach and ask, "hand?" We sit on the side-walk together, waiting for dad. She gives me lots of kisses, like she usually does. She lays her leaves down in a row and tries to count them before a gust of wind blew them away. She always gives me a leaf, and that melts me.

I can't explain why little moments like this mean so much to me. Sometimes, being a mom can really hard, and sometimes I'm not very patient. I try to remember that she won't always need me, she won't always fit on my hip, she won't always tug at my leg. I try my very hardest.

And I am most definitely blessed.

valentines 2014

Jer and I have been valentines for 5 years now. it's no big deal! (but really, it kinda is). I worked on Friday the 14th, so we celebrated early on Tuesday. We have a "go to the temple monthly" resolution, so we knew just where to go. Thanks to Grandma Bodtcher, we got to do a session and go to dinner as well (good old Olive Garden, close to home of course). It was an all-around fantastic night. I love how at peace I feel whenever I go to the temple, and I love going with my baby daddy. While we were waiting for our entree, I looked down at the jalapeno pepper in the salad, and recalled eating one following a dare from Jeremy on our very first valentine's date (4 years ago). Our server was so enthusiastic and brought me a handful of those mint chocolates to dull the burn. HA! I could never turn down a good dare. 

I work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights every week, so we always just do our best to celebrate a little here and there for holidays. I tried out a little photoshoot with Amelia; though, she's not very into staying in the same place. I tried a book, playing "boo!" and even bribed her with a piece of popcorn (she just kept pointing and signing "more please"). When I got off work Thursday night (aka Friday morning), I came home to my favorite flowers and a cute little note. I got to work decorating: heart-attack on our bedroom door, a "LOVE" ameliaprint (handprint for the 'O' and footprints for the 'V'), and a frame. I like to give Jeremy a cute framed item to add to our bedroom wall and also write a love note to keep within. I've been obsessing with Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" lately, and thought it would be so cute to make our own print, complete with a flat-line through the heart- you know, like an ekg reference to a stopped heart, because we're both nurses??

So Jeremy works all day on Valentines, gets home 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. We're holding each other in the kitchen, and I'm asking him if he got the flat-lining bit. He goes, "yeah, I got that, but I don't understand the quote?" I stare at him blankly. He reads the print out loud, "my heart stops when you AT ME?" I stare at the print.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO devastating, so hilarious, and I have my page-long note written on the back side too.
Oh well, we're keeping it and hanging it, and we'll be able to laugh about it for years to come.

I love my sweet valentine for all the big things and all the little things. I'm glad we have so much to laugh about and so much love to keep our hearts full and swelling.

Happy Valentines to all my loved ones!
xoxo

little things

Amelia and I go to toddler time at the library on Wednesdays and Thursdays. At the beginning, we always sing: "come along and clap with me, clap with me, clap with me; come along and clap with me, it's time for storytime" while you clap. And then the same thing, but you stomp. And then again, but a toddler gets to pick. Usually Amelia just stares, wide-eyed and unsure. Today, Millie babe clapped and stomped and she whispered "spin" and started spinning, so we all spun!


It's just the little little things that make my mama heart swell with pride.

in the middle of the night

is when my patience grows the very thinnest. Millie babe has started screaming bloody murder around 3 am lately, it's bringing nostalgia from the newborn days. It's really just so so exhausting. Jeremy brought her into our bed to cuddle last night (yes, my man gets up with the baby on the nights he works when I beg). Amelia doesn't sleep well in our bed, it's mostly just for cuddles, and we'll usually put her back in her crib when she calms down (my job, since Jeremy got her up). In the middle of the night is when my patience grows it's very thinnest. But Millie babe leans over me, gives me a kiss on my lips, says "love you," and readjusts herself so she has her arm around me.


Being a mama is hard sometimes, but these tender moments put everything into perspective.
I'm so very blessed.

lately

A little update on us Bodtchers, while we've been deathly ill the last week:

On top of a few other sketchy things, Jeremy's (45-55 hr/week) job decided they were going to change from hourly to salary pay without a raise and expect everyone to work 40-60 hours. It was stressful for a minute, but Jeremy got a job interview and job offer within the next week. The best part is he gets to work with his besties from his first home health job, and we know he'll be taken care of. The unique factor is they also asked him to be the Director of Nursing at a small facility. (This cracks me up, because Jeremy has been avoiding DON job offers since he graduated). Fortunately, we both have a good feeling about this. I'm just so proud of the nurse he is and the reputation he has that so many people are willing to give him a good recommendation. So happy that he got his dream job back!


We (and by we, I mean Jeremy and his dad and brothers) are making major progress on the basement. Molding and walls are painted, electrical is trimmed in, and 2000 pounds of tile have been transported down (by my macho man j-dawg). We're hoping to paint the ceiling this week, lay some tile down in the bath and kitchen, and order some cabinets. After the cabinets are in, we literally have to finish the molding in the tile areas, buy light covers, and put in carpet. AHHHHHH! It's seriously been a long time coming.

Amelia is continually growing leaps and bounds. She copies me with almost everything I do (so sweet, but also a little scary) and she understands almost everything I ask of her. This stage is amazing, because she is happy doing chores with me all day. Literally, she will watch me cook breakfast on her step stool, help me unload every dish in the dishwasher, she loves "sweeping," hand me everything in the laundry basket, pick up all the toys on the floor, and we just read read read and go on walks to the mailbox, have lunch, take a nap, and wait for dada to come home. Routine holds a special place in my heart, and I'm so grateful Amelia is loving it too. Amelia's also saying "baby" all day long now, and it melt me so much. I can't believe that my baby is almost 20 months, and grows closer and closer to TWO YEARS OLD every single day. Also, Jeremy found Amelia sitting up on her changing table one the morning, panicked, and did find an even lower setting on her crib. Ha!

I had another death on the morning of the 18th. I think it gets easier and easier the more it happens, it hardly even phases Jeremy anymore. In the moment, everything happens so fast, and I'm just so concerned with taking care of the family and making sure I'm taking care of their every needs (even though I have 12 other patients on a slow day). But afterwards, an hour after your shift, when you get weepy in the bathroom by yourself, and the reflection of your nursing care and question of if there was anything more you could have done weighs in, that is when everything slows down and you really feel the ton of bricks that hit you two hours ago. I do hope it gets easier. I mean, it's not hard, I just hope it's not so hard for me anymore.


Finally, I signed up for a marathon. The SLC marathon in April, to be specific. I think it's helping me deal with my anxiety better, as exercise commonly does. I'm currently on week 3 of 15, and I've coincidentally lost 3 pounds. I run 4 days a week, 3 short runs and 1 long. Today, I ran 9 miles in 91 minutes. The crazy thing about long runs is how deathly you feel the entire time, but how strong and emotional you feel when you finally finish. I'm so excited, and my one goal is to finish under five hours (not a fast runner here, obvi).


We have our ups and downs around here, but we're still feeling so blessed for our little journey.

2013 for the bodtchers

- I was called into primary to teach the CTR 5B class and fell in love with my kiddos

- Jeremy purchased and sold 4 fish tanks

 

- I started my 225 hour capstone at IMC Labor and Delivery

- celebrated Amelia's first Chinese New Year with my parents

- were sleep deprived and truly learned to appreciate naps

- built a snowman in Park City during Spring Break

 

- remembered our Savior and celebrated Amelia's first Easter

 

- Amelia and I started daily walks to the mailbox

- Jeremy built a "built-in entertainment center" for the ghetto gaping hole in our living room

- Amelia fell in love with swinging and slides and swimming pools

-graduated with my double bachelors

 

- chopped 11 inches of hair off my head

- Jeremy and Amelia gave me a gorgeous red planter box for Mother's Day

- celebrated memorial day by listening to stories by the veterans in our neighborhood

- celebrated Jeremy's 29th birthday at the zoo

- forked over $300 to take the NCLEX-RN. and passed it, thank goodness

- weeded too much

- flew a dragon kite with our baby dragon

 

- ran a half marathon. and another. and another. okay, 13 of them

- threw a giant party for our little one year old

- Amelia started walking and running

- Jeremy got a grill for Father's Day and we enjoyed our barbeques all summer long

- Jeremy went back to working in his dream field - home health

- I applied to countless jobs and eventually started my nursing career at a skilled nursing facility

- Amelia fell in love with green smoothies

- celebrated America's birthday with a parade, breakfast, nap, and fireworks

 

- welcomed a nephew and a niece

- I was blessed with the opportunity to go to girl's camp as the stake camp nurse

- celebrated pioneer day with the Frys

- made huge dents in our basement: framing, basement entrance, electrical, plumbing, sheetrock, doors, mudding/puttying, and now paint.

- had our family pictures taken at daybreak lake

- purchased a cannon t3i to better preserve memories of our bebe(s)

 

- Amelia loved swmming lessons, dance lessons, and loved going to the library for toddler time

- went to the rodeo for Amelia's 14 month birthday

- picked some beautiful pumpkins at the pumpkin patch and carved into them with our toddler

- enjoyed walking to and from church

 

- Jeremy and I celebrated our three year anniversary at the SLC temple

- I had my golden birthday: 22 on the 22nd

- dressed up as little Red, the wolf, and grandma for Halloween

- celebrated Thanksgiving with both our families

- watched our best little friend Bosten receive a name and a blessing

- I got full time status at work, meaning only three nights a week and no more Sundays!

- Amelia turned 18 months and started nursery.

- we celebrated all December long: lights at temple square, zoo lights, gingerbread festival, gingerbread houses, fotofly santa, etc.

 

- was spoiled for Christmas

- Jeremy and I fell more and more in love with each other and with being parents

- we grew closer with our neighbors

- Amelia grew up right before our eyes

 

- I was released from primary and may have cried a little

- welcomed the New Year at 10 pm on the eve, because we're old.

 

 

 

 

2013, you were incredible to us.

being a nurse

I've been a little stressed out lately.
I can't explain it as well as I'd like
because there's just so much.
like so much that I had an anxiety attack. at work.
like so much that I'm constantly exhausted and nauseated.
like so much that I wonder if I am really cut out to be a nurse.

really.


on new year's day,
I walked into work, got report,
had my first death an hour later.
palliative care, not really my thang
but I think it might have saved me.

I keep thinking about God,
and why I'm feeling like I'm drowning.
but I choose to believe that
"if God brings you to it, God will bring you through it."