9

dear babe,

Not much happenings lately. Just  O B V I O U S  signs that I'm pregnant that I can't really share with the rest of the world. Nausea, exhaustion, pregnancy brain, weight gain, aversion to almost all foods, "swollen" areas, etc. It was nice to get away to yellowstone for the weekend, just the four of us (I do love the sound of that-- four of us). We get to see you via ultrasound in less than a week, and I am  t h r i l l e d. I'm not sure why, but I've been a bit of a nervous wreck about seeing you and making sure you're growing and healthy. I love you. I can't wait.

xo
Mom.

8

dear baby,

I don't know how many weeks old you are yet, but for someone so small, you've been creating quite a ruckus. I've been feeling pretty sick, but I am trying to remember about how grateful I am to have you growing inside of me. (so so so grateful) You're too small for me to feel at this point, but I swear I feel tightening and pulling inside of me. It must be in my head. For the most part, Amelia does not like it when I lay down to rest. She also still thinks your home (my tummy) is her trampoline. (sorry for the occasional unpreventable earthquakes!) She does love you so much; she probably kisses you at least 10 times a day (now without me asking) and tells you how much she loves you. We can't wait for you to get a little bigger so your presence can be felt from the outside! In other news, your daddy turned 30 years old this week! We sure love that man. I think he is a little worried about making sure I can stay at home with you and Amelia when you come. I also think everything will work out fine. I'm so grateful for you and I feel so blessed we only have around 8 months before we meet. I get down on my knees often and thank God for you and constantly pray I will be able to be a good mother. I hope you know that being a good mother to my children is the most important thing to me; to teach you, to grow you, to love you, to protect you.

I love you,
Mom

7

dear baby,

I am so very happy you exist. I haven't seen you, or heard you, or felt you. But, I love you and I pray for you and worry about you. I've prayed about you for a long time actually-- I've hoped that you'd join our family for what feels like an eternity. You have a loving Daddy, who works very hard to protect his family, and is very excited to hold you. You have a big sister, Amelia, she's the one that kisses you often, jabs at you and calls for you, and says "night night, baby!" when she naps and goes down for the night. You have me, I'm growing you, and I couldn't be more grateful. We all love you so very much. We can't wait for time to pass to see you, to feel you, from the inside and the out, to smell you, to kiss you, to hear you.

love,
mommy

mothers' day, in more detail

On Sunday, May 11th, I awoke bright-eyed and excited.
Jeremy Ray was not in bed next to me, which meant he was ensuring Mother's Day surprises were in perfect order.
I snoozed and took my time getting ready.
Of course, every awaiting detail was lovely-- the house was beautifully clean (Jer had even scrubbed the stove-- my least favorite job), a jade plant for our home, a grape tomato plant for my garden, and traditional fresh flowers that I love; dr. pepper, ferrero rocher, and of course, a lovely card from "Amelia" with all the words a mother needed to read about herself.

I sat down to breakfast, scrambled eggs that Jeremy had made.
After forcing the bite down, I turned to my honey,
"I love you, and your cooking is delicious, but I'm going to vomit."
I definitely felt sorry for myself. I had been nauseated and exhausted for weeks. I had started my first round of  progesterone two weeks previously, and was awaiting my menstrual cycle to start my first round of clomid. The stress from "trying" and feeling out of control of my emotions and physical symptoms of my body was overwhelming.
I had planned on toughing it out for church, as I was convinced it was going to be g r a n d  on Mothers' Day!
Until I started dry heaving over the toilet five minutes before we were going to leaving.
I heard Jeremy in the kitchen...
"uh oh, Millie, guess we're not going to church!"

I spent all day on the couch, trying not to breathe too much.
Amelia would bring me my water bottle every so often.

We visited our moms in the afternoon/evening.
I tried to eat enough, but not too much.
We went home.

I checked my cycle calendar.
1 week "late," but nothing to be too excited about.
I figured it couldn't hurt to take a test, especially one of my 88 cent walmart tests.
I figured it couldn't hurt, since I was awaiting my period to start anyway, and I would start clomid, and get pregnant the next month.
I figured a negative wouldn't be so bad.
I peed.
instant positive
Talk about the b e s t  Mothers' Day ever, right!?

Sheer joy ran through my veins and heart and soul.
"Jeremy! I think you should look at this test!"
Jeremy's response? "does this mean you're pregnant!? how long have you even been nauseated for!?"
ha! I love him. somuch.
We knelt down on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father to be blessed with this responsibility. again.
I bawled. I laughed. I screamed a little.
I couldn't sleep.
I took another test at midnight.
Seriously, the best best joy.
I could burst from happiness.

dad

I love my Jeremy Ray so much, and I thought my heart would burst from loving him so much that I couldn't love him more. And then he became a father and I couldn't believe how much more my heart swelled. Gosh, I'm so grateful for him and for all that he does for us. I'm so grateful that he supports me in all my thoughts, ideas, and dreams, and that he leads our family with such amazingly level-headed character. I love his blue eyes, I love his dimpled smile, I love how faithfully he holds my hand. But most importantly, I love how he loves, cherishes, spoils our daughter. He makes me want to be a better mother, wife, friend, nurse, person. I'm so blessed he is forever mine.

two

My dearest Amelia,

Time has flown, and you are now two years old. I see all the strength and love and potential and determination I saw in you that first day we met, only exponentiated. Time has flown and I'm gripping to these precious memories I have with you, yet they are falling through my fingers like sand. Can we just freeze time and happiness and stand still for a few moments?


My favorite memories from the last month:

When your daddy told you to stay inside and you stomped at him. You controlled your tantrum pretty well, but we had a good laugh.

Watching you eat your blueberry pancake birthday breakfast.

All the times in church when you say "AMEN!"

When you yell "mommy!!!!!!!!!!!" and give me a hug.

When you started counting to 10 by yourself when we dry your hair.

Last night, on your birthday, you walked right to your crib after brushing your teeth, knelt down and folded your arms. I asked if you wanted to say the prayer, and you began by yourself, "Heavenly Father, thanks for this day, thanks for blessings, thanks for daddy, thanks for mommy..." You trailed off and I prompted, "please..." You continued, "please bless FOOD!" (we bless the food 3 times a day, so that's okay) "please bless family, please bless good night, name Jesus Christ, AMEN!" I had a few tears welling up, because you are definitely the sweetest.

When you started holding still and saying "cheese!" for your daily picture.

When you shared a fruit snack with the girl behind our pew during sacrament meeting.

When you dropped the 'almost' and "almost two!"

When you fell asleep on me and let me feel you breathe on my face.

When you get nervous and want to hold my hand.

Swimming lessons and you clinging for dear life with your arms and legs.

When you started yelling your cousins' names "RemingTON! Molly-RUE!" or how every baby is "Hadley"

When you started remembering who's house we were going to, even rear-facing.

When we changed your car seat to foward-facing and you had to tell us every time you saw a FLAG! AIRPLANE! HOUSE! LIGHT! STOP SIGN! DOG! BIRD! TRUCK! (except you don't say truck)


Most moments are a complete joy with you. Trying to teach you to share, to take turns, to eat healthy, to hold my hand when we cross the street, to say please and thank you, these moments have brought me closer to Heavenly Father. I like to imagine how He must feel trying to teach me and humble me.

I love you endlessly. My advice for you is to pray often and trust in the Lord. You can do anything you want to do and be anyone you want to be, because your future is limitless. But do pray, because He does listen. And do trust, because sometimes you will fall and sometimes I won't be able to pick you up.

I love you, I love you. My heart could burst from my chest from loving you so much. Thank you for changing me for the better. Thank you for being the love of my life.

xoxo,
Mom

ahoy! join the crew...

In planning for this party, I promised myself we wouldn't go big. But, how do you not go big for your baby? Thanks to my parents for watching Amelia while we set up, thanks to Julie for making a perfect cake and a dozen perfect cupcakes, thanks to friends and family for coming to celebrate with us!! I love my Millie babe so much, I can hardly stand it sometimes! I'm so grateful to be a mother, and I'm so grateful for the man that has stood by my side through this wonderful journey. It certainly has been the most amazing two years of my life.

xoxo