11 + 12

dear babe,

we're almost rounding off 13 weeks as i write this

and to be honest,

it's been tricky trying to find the words for these letters these last couple of weeks to you.

i've thought a lot about how i wanted to remember and frame memories in my life.

usually, it's positive, especially if available to the public.

it's not that i'm ashamed of my struggles

or that i'm trying to hide them,

i have just tried to focus and remember on the good

and to make those the highlights of my life.

so these letters were intended to share with you my joy of growing you

and my hopes and wishes and dreams for you

and i didn't want them to be tarnished.

but then i started thinking

that one day you may carry children of your own

or you may support someone who is carrying your child.

and it may not be completely fair to you that these letters are lacking

of all the struggles, too.

because... it's hard.

sometimes it's hard waiting to get pregnant

sometimes it's hard being so grateful, but also just not wanting to throw up anymore.

sometimes it's hard being scared that your parenting methods may not be enough.

it has been hard in all of these ways for me.

there is a silver lining though.

and because i've done this twice before,

i know it's more than a lining

and it's my whole heart and my whole life:

you.

i spent a lot of week 11 in my jammies, hanging out by the toilet

trying to decide between exhaustion (from taking diclegis) or puking.

you've kept me going this whole time.

despite crying so much,

i've still been able to go to bed with a grateful heart.

i know you'll fill my life with so much joy

(no expectations, it's just what children do for their parents.)

i love you so.

week 12 has had many distractions that has made the in betweens more than tolerable. we enjoyed christmas together (i didn't have to work this entire week!) which i couldn't help but imagine you in our matching jams for next year. driving through christmas in color, with the girls unbuckled and thinking about a new car before you arrive. painting toenails and just wondering if you'll want to join in when you get here. making a "gender check" appointment for you, and we definitely can't wait to find out! scarlett's birthday and party this week and just thinking about how big your sisters will be when you arrive. also, we don't usually buy strawberries in the winter; but it's been a favorite snack of mine, and of course i can't say no to amelia.

we love you so much.

i love you the most!