there's something about growing up that's really terrifying.
as a kid you don't think about that too often. you don't seem to want to stop growing. maybe because it's evolutionarily beneficial to want to grow until you're big and strong and then stop wanting it so you can understand the concept of aging.
I'm not sure where i'm going with this. really.
just that when i woke up this morning, and i was driving to work with the sun already rising, i couldn't stop thinking that i feel really old for nineteen. i've made myself do things i was scared of and i've done a couple things i regret. i've been the happiest i've ever been in my life, and also the saddest. i've touched people's lives and found inspiration where i couldn't have predicted. i rebelled and rebelled and did all the things that everyone said i couldn't. i've had my heart broken too many times and i've fallen in love with the my soulmate.
and this whole journey i've been running and running and just so sure of myself. i've been so confident that growing up was exactly what i wanted. and really, it was. i wouldn't trade under six hours of sleep every night my senior year or paying for my own college tuition/car/gas/insurance/cheer nationals/etc. or starving and driving around getting lost freshmen year for anything. except one thing, i guess- jeremy ray. and i guess i did.
i just never thought that i'd be here. stopped abruptly, and looking back.
it's a cheerless sensation to say goodbye to the closest thing to your soul at five in the morning and not see him for twelve hours. it's a different life when you're no longer always texting, even when you're apart.
but i do love the homemade meals and doing the dishes together. and all the excitement of our own little place. and of course some things never change- the look on his face when our eyes meet. or the feeling of being in his arms. or on and on.
sometimes. sometimes i just wish we could go back. just a little. and erase the jobs. erase the responsibility. and...
and then i see how senseless i'm being.
i'm pretty much admitting to blogspot that i'm terrified of growing up. i think i just need to stop running for a while. slow down. in fact, maybe i'll sit and rest a little. because sometimes i feel like i can't handle a lot of things. and it could be that i probably have a little above average stress than most people.
i've been praying a lot lately.
i guess i'm lucky to say that at the end of the day i still have someone who loves me, who supports my decisions, who adores me and wants to make me happy. at the end of the day, jeremy ray will still slow down and be there to rest with me.
he always tells me that i can take a break. and i think i'm ready to believe him.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
life is pretty great.
and I'm pretty grateful for everything that's happened in the last week.
first off, my half marathon
I've been training for this race for 3 months
3 months of sweat, hard work, and determination.
3 months of making myself run even when i really didn't want to.
all paid off
to a time of 2 hours 11 minutes and 55 seconds
which I'm actually really proud of :)
and both my parents came
if you click on the picture to zoom in...
it shows that I was first in my division!!
(and I was probably the only one, but still! it was a good time)
and my best fans!
it was a hectic weekend,
so thanks you to everyone who came.
I worked that evening (saturday).
and Monday morning.
and then it was finally time to go to the temple.
There was a lot of nervous energy going on,
so I cleaned the whole house
(which is really only a basement right now)
but it was nice to destress
and really, it was just beautiful.
I'm so glad I had collette as my escort
because she and I just share feelings well.
There's something about the way she communicates
and her strong testimony
and pure beauty
that makes her my hero.
also, we are pretty goofy together (especially in the temple)
and I just love the temple.
it really felt like... home.
safe, comfortable, sweet, loving.
I'm so so glad I have such a sweet supportive family
that is so brillant to answer all my questions
and so loving to encourage me on this big step.
I was so happy when I finally saw my mother in law's face.
Julie is the kindest, most unjudgemental, loving, most patient person I know.
There are just so many qualities I wish I could pick up from her
anywhere with Julie feels like home. :)
and then before I knew it, Tuesday was over.
and we took some pictures
(which I knew I wasn't going to get since it wasn't on my camera)
and we went to Olive Garden for a late dinner
(and seriously, is that place not EVERYONE's favorite?)
finally wednesday came.
Jeremy and I slept in together for the first time in... a long long time.
and we... ran some errands that i can't seem to remember
and Melissa curled my hair.
my sister is always offering to help or always helping with something
whether it be taking pictures, or practicing on hair, or helping my husband pick out rings
(yes that was plural)
or just giving me a different perspective.
for some reason
I am always dressed before my husband even gets started.
and it was the same for our sealing.
620 was our sealing time.
500 is when we have to be there.
and 4:30 is when we were suppose to leave.
4:25, Jeremy askes Travis to be our 2nd witness.
last minute last minute last minute.
4:35 Jeremy finally finds a pair of those yellow argyle wedding socks
4:40 we take pictures before we drive out in Jer's truck.
4:45 we realize that we forgot our temple reccommends!!!!!!!
it is a race back to the house.
and of course my bp is through the roof.
but it's fine.
especially when jer misses the turn for w. temple hahaha
Randy, Julie, and Trav make it to the temple before we do.
and I must have this look on my face.
because Julie takes my dress
takes my hand
and walks with me 20 yards ahead of the boys
and tells me the story about their sealing.
back in the time with no cellular devices,
randy and julie also forgot their recommends
haha when they got to the slc temple. haha.
okay, moral of the story: time is always on your side at the temples.
and jeremy and I got to sit in the celestial room
and admire the detail work
and admire the concept of eternity
and admire our love for each other.
and it was pretty great.
and then we were sealed.
for time and eternity.
i've been thinking a lot about this for the last year.
eternity is a really long time.
not long enough with your most favorite person in the whole world?
i just love jeremy ray.
and when julie and collette helped me get dressed...
i noticed their white temple socks.
BAH hahaha. :)
i love temple socks. that's all.
and I still fit in my dress!
and we [jeremy and liana] walked out
and my parents were there.
and chase walker was there to photograph us.
and kale fitch was there to film us.
and it was a great night.
we went home (randy&julie's house) and met the last bit
of our party.
and it was so great seeing love of family right in front of my eyes.
and jer looked so cute in his gray suit.
with his tie loose
and the top button of his shirt unbuttoned.
and he took me to the castle.
where rose petals and candles and sparkling cider and dark chocolate kisses and a HUGE tub
and we slept in the next morning again. :)