Monday, January 23, 2012


week 19.

wow we are almost halfway there. and I still don't know if I'm ready to be a mother! everyday, my tummy cramps up and my back aches and I think about my daughter moving inside me. every night, I dream about holding her and making her laugh and watching her grow outside of me. every second I'm worried about how to raise a child. What if I don't know how to make her stop crying? What if she doesn't love to learn? How do I share with her the importance of praying? How do I find the balance of trusting enough and trusting too much? How can I ever explain to her that she is my entire world?

The other day I was thinking about how my occupation has always been first and foremost a student. It's been great having a tiny paycheck to support myself, but those jobs never overstepped my priority as a student. and then it really hit me how much change this June is going to bring. My identity as a student is going to take second to being a mother. I will, for the first time in four years, not have an income of my own (an income which I have been soooooooooooooooooo unexplainably immensely proud of). In replacement, I will have a new full-time "job" in which I cannot threaten to quit without feeling guilty. I will not be able to "separate work from home." and I get to be a mother. a mother! I am immeasurably excited and anxious, but I am so nervous. I am so nervous to say the wrong thing, to teach the wrong thing, to be the wrong example, to encourage the wrong way. Some days I just break down because I don't know what to expect.

Also, as much as I may or may not complain about my job, I really do love it. I've been three years into these relationships with my residents and I can't imagine not seeing them every week. Last Saturday, I was giving a resident her pills, we're talking about Jeremy (as usual, because the ladies all loved him and still remember him) and she says "You look like you could be pregnant, but it's probably just the things in your pocket." (I had my phone in my jacket pocket) To which I admitted that I, yes indeed, am pregnant, and then she squeals with excitement and shock. She asks me how I'm feeling, how far along I am, if I know what I'm having yet? and I tell her. "Oh, a girl!! how does your hubby feel about that?" I tell the truth- he's thrilled, but nervous about the other boys and wants to purchase additional guns. "Oh yes! well my husband was the same way! No boy was good enough for her! Not even the King of England!" she tells me, while gulping down her pills. " do you two know what you're having yet?" I chuckle a little, and I tell her again. We have the conversation again a couple of times, and then I tell her I have to run. I get home from work and tell Jeremy this story, and he tells me that he saw her a couple of weeks ago at exercise (Jeremy leads a weekly exercise activity at my work), and he had already told her the same thing. Is this story by itself not sufficent enough of a reason of why I love working?

There's never a day that goes by that I don't think about how much I love my baby girl, there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God I have her growing safely in my tummy. I am so lucky to be in such a supportive and secure position in life. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves and supports his family, who gives me blessings whenever I need them. We are so lucky we have such supportive family and friends, who already love our baby!

ps. today is Chinese New Year, the first day of the year of the Dragon. It is definitely going to be a year of good luck. :)

Monday, January 16, 2012


welcome to week 18:

This week was just a teensy bit extra exciting, because we got to find out the sex of our baby!! I am dressed in pink (yes, just with my scarf) to celebrate the verdict of my baby GIRL! Jeremy and I were convinced I was growing a boy from the beginning! When the doc was showing us the angle between the legs on the ultrasound, I remember thinking where is his penis? ...Is it a girl??? and then out loud l stuttered, "It's a girl!" My cute doctor is so mellow and calm and said, "you are... correct!"

My girl is a bit of a kicker. When we were listening her heartbeat 2 appointments ago through the doppler, you could just hear these BAMs that dominated her steady beat. She was kicking like crazy in there! and she just kicks harder when I laughed! This morning, I put Jeremy's hand to my belly and ask if he felt it. He thinks he might have felt her. That was exciting enough for me. I hear it only gets stronger, and I can't wait!

As you can see by my posted picture, I am popping OUT! This picture was taken before dinner too (as we all know, your tummy looks bigger after food, whether or not you're pregnant). I'm still working on my complex of gaining weight and showing off my gut-looking belly. and please don't misunderstand, I love this girl with all my heart. It's just so different seeing the numbers on the scale go up.

On friday, after the ultrasound, my mother in law invited the extended family over for a cake cutting party to share the verdict (this is why it wasn't posted on facebook right away). My baby girl is so loved!!! We received so much support just to cut a pink cake! 52 wonderful people showed up to love you, millie ray!

thanks to my wonderful sister in laws (c. charles & m. robbins) for the following pictures:

honestly, aren't we the cutest? haha

so, because there was so little time between the ultrasound and the party, there were two cakes ordered, one with blue filling and one with pink.
The running joke was the we would cut the wrong cake and had to be "oh just kidding! it's really a girl!"
anyways, I was whispering to Jer that we had to cut the the brown cake (which had the pink filling in it)
...but it was not clicking in his head with all the commotion.

anyways... this was everyone's reaction!!!
please note, our cute Brad, who is just so excited because he had correctly guessed girl!!!

collette and travis :)

my cute second dad, trying to see the ultrasound. haha

with Jeremy's grandma Allred!

grandparents of amelia.

the bump!

it's a she!

parents and grents.
note that Julie was the only one who guessed girl!!

My parents!

Kellen and Melissa
apparently kellen was wearing blue, but he was so ashamed that he was wrong, and just had to change.

anyways, it was so great being loved and shown so much support for our cute baby. Thank you to everyone who came and thank you to those who helped plan the party and made it so fun! I love you all!


Sunday, January 15, 2012

you make my heart beat faster

I was orginally going to wait for some pictures to post this blog, but I can already feel the memory slipping through my fingers.

I had my ultrasound this last friday to find the gender of my bebe and it was incredible.

The first ultrasound I had at 8 weeks was pretty life changing. I could barely believe there was actually a lump of cells/parasite/tiny baby bean growing in my uterus! My doc altered a few different angles on the ultrasound to show me a tiny flicker on her chest area, which was her heartbeat. I was still pretty skeptical about the whole thing (funny).

The ultrasound on friday was the same, to the tenth power. I remember waiting in the waiting room and in the exam room for ages of time. and don't get me wrong, I love my doc. I just really don't like to wait. I remember how I wanted to go right to the ultrasound room and discover which sex my baby was. Dr. Thackery definitely played around before showing me the goods. I'm not going to lie, it was great seeing her face, and her belly, and her positioning... and then I saw her heart. I could have sworn that my heart stopped. Four beautiful perfect chambers just pumping blood through her vessels and keeping her alive. Her heart was the most precious thing I could have ever dreamed of. I can still see it now. That flickering on the ultrasound could not have shouted louder to my question,

"why oh why would anyone pick ME to be their mother?"

"BECAUSE WE ARE SOULMATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and my heart continued to beat.
and I am crying now.

Monday, January 9, 2012


Dear baby,

We are about 17 weeks along, and you are just doing great! This week I felt another kick from you, and I am so excited for it to become a continual thing. I start school tomorrow, and so I'm sure you'll start feeling the raging stress hormones kick in soon (but I'll try to keep it under control (: ). Also, your dad painted the family room wall while I was at work this Saturday... being sick and all! (I love him... and I know you will too). Thank you for easing up on the nausea this week! I have been feeling so much better! Your Aunt Melissa Jane and I went shopping and bought some super cute maternity clothes that will definitely help show you off a little more! This week is espcially exciting, because we are finally finding out if you are a he or a she! (don't be shy!) Your dad and I have been guessing that you are a boy since the very beginning, so we are excited to be proven right! (or wrong is fine too!) I love you, with all my heart.


(!! that's the first time I've referred to myself as mom. I could get use to that... (:)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

week 16!

This week, Jeremy and I drove down to Manti to visit the temple (this is where this picture was taken!) I feel like since I've found out that I'm pregnant and more so since I've been growing, I have felt way more clumsy and my brain is just not all the way here. i.e. I forgot my phone at Jer's parents house and didn't realize it until we were halfway home (happened on Sunday), or I can't ever remember what I go to the store for, or I feel like I can't express myself as fluently as I use to, or that I totally slipped down three stairs in the temple, with Jeremy holding on to me, and me holding on the rail. yes, story of my life.

This week I've felt more excited (with the baby kicking, looking at more baby items, and counting down to the dr. appt when we find out the sex~ 10 more days!) and more moody (I think Christmas break is driving me crazy!). Everyone has said that I'm definitely beginning to show, so it's nice to show off my tummy. :) I start school next week, and I'm not even sure how I feel about that yet! This post is turning out more random and longer that I want it to be, so I'm going to end it here.


pinterest and pick-up lines

came across the loveliest quote on pinterest and just had to share it with my husband:

and he said, "well, you'd be there."

greatest pick-up line ever.
its days like these where I think someone could write a book about us.