crossing.

i've been struggling with how to say this.

but this is my safe place, right?
remember how proud I was of myself for getting a job?
remember how happy and relieved I was?

a few weeks on my own, and I'm learning bounds: wound care, priority setting, patient and family education. the kind that really couldn't be taught in nursing school, couldn't really be simulated in lab.

I'm also learning about bullying. where a new nurse stands with an experienced nurse. where I don't really know how to say anything about it. where I just miss my nursing friends so much, and wish they all worked with me.

then there's how much I see my Jeremy. those five minutes we switch vehicles, and Amelia squeals when she sees us kiss. and I drive to work, getting all choked up listening to love songs on the radio by myself. or when I get home after sunrise and meet him in bed, but he's about to get up and start his morning. we flirt and maybe more through text quite often, and talk on the phone during our breaks, but it's not quite the same.

and Amelia. I wonder if she notices. I know she doesn't deserve a tired mama, who isn't quite as alert and oriented. the other day she ran towards the doorway. "Millie, where are you going?!" I exclaim. "DAD!" she yells back. ah.


it's hard to complain when I look at my paycheck.
when beautiful, new dresses come in brown packages and I don't have to feel so guilty.


but how do I justify this time I'm losing?
when I feel like there so much I can't teach my baby because I'm away.
when it's been so long, I just stare straight and can see my husband's lips in front of me.
is it worth the experience?
the golden year of experience, so I can get my dream job?
when sometimes you just get yelled at over and over for being late because you had to help someone else who was having an anxiety attack?
or your hall gets slammed with 3 admits, and one trickles down to you right before med pass, and you're working on care plans the entire night because you've never been trained on how to do them?

is it normal to be burnt out this early?
and what I'm describing isn't even that bad.
they just don't compare to my mom days.



then one day, a former-nurse patient told me that I have heart. that I will be that nurse that's always clocking out late, because I'm spending time loving my patients. and to not lose that through the years.

gosh, how do I not cry?


I've wanted to save lives for as long as I can remember.
But my life was forever changed the second I became a mom.


am I at a crossroads?