Sunday, August 18, 2013

a child's prayer

Heavenly Father, are you really there?
Pray, He is there
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?
Speak, He is listening
Some say that Heaven is far away.
You are His child
But I feel it closer around me as I pray.
His love now surrounds you
Heavenly Father, I remember now
He hears your prayers
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
He loves the children
"Suffer the children to come to me"
Of such is the kingdom,
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.
the kingdom of Heaven.

So grateful to have a calling in primary, to learn all these beautiful primary songs.
On any given Sabbath, there's a good chance I'll be tearing up during singing time.
The words of this song means so much to me, as I often ask:
Heavenly Father, are you really there? Do you really hear me when I pray?

I feel that becoming a mother has really strengthened my relationship with my Father in Heaven.
I watch Amelia throw tantrums and strain to understand,
and wonder if Heavenly Father watches me cry and struggle.
I watch Amelia spit out her veggies and sneak in her bribe,
and wonder if Heavenly Father watches me ignore His promptings and choose what's convenient for me.
I watch Amelia grow physically and mentally, beaming with pride,
and wonder if Heavenly Father beams with pride as He watches me develop and mature.

As I wrap my arms around Amelia when she comes to me,
I know Heavenly Father surrounds me when I go to Him.
As I point out different suggestions to Amelia,
I know Heavenly Father guides me.

I'm so blessed to have a loving Father, to be trusted to raise one of His children, to have the knowledge of prayer, to have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I'm just so blessed.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


i've been struggling with how to say this.

but this is my safe place, right?
remember how proud I was of myself for getting a job?
remember how happy and relieved I was?

a few weeks on my own, and I'm learning bounds: wound care, priority setting, patient and family education. the kind that really couldn't be taught in nursing school, couldn't really be simulated in lab.

I'm also learning about bullying. where a new nurse stands with an experienced nurse. where I don't really know how to say anything about it. where I just miss my nursing friends so much, and wish they all worked with me.

then there's how much I see my Jeremy. those five minutes we switch vehicles, and Amelia squeals when she sees us kiss. and I drive to work, getting all choked up listening to love songs on the radio by myself. or when I get home after sunrise and meet him in bed, but he's about to get up and start his morning. we flirt and maybe more through text quite often, and talk on the phone during our breaks, but it's not quite the same.

and Amelia. I wonder if she notices. I know she doesn't deserve a tired mama, who isn't quite as alert and oriented. the other day she ran towards the doorway. "Millie, where are you going?!" I exclaim. "DAD!" she yells back. ah.

it's hard to complain when I look at my paycheck.
when beautiful, new dresses come in brown packages and I don't have to feel so guilty.

but how do I justify this time I'm losing?
when I feel like there so much I can't teach my baby because I'm away.
when it's been so long, I just stare straight and can see my husband's lips in front of me.
is it worth the experience?
the golden year of experience, so I can get my dream job?
when sometimes you just get yelled at over and over for being late because you had to help someone else who was having an anxiety attack?
or your hall gets slammed with 3 admits, and one trickles down to you right before med pass, and you're working on care plans the entire night because you've never been trained on how to do them?

is it normal to be burnt out this early?
and what I'm describing isn't even that bad.
they just don't compare to my mom days.

then one day, a former-nurse patient told me that I have heart. that I will be that nurse that's always clocking out late, because I'm spending time loving my patients. and to not lose that through the years.

gosh, how do I not cry?

I've wanted to save lives for as long as I can remember.
But my life was forever changed the second I became a mom.

am I at a crossroads?