equilibrium

i have tried to stay mostly positive on my social media
because i choose to make the happy moments the highlights of my life.
i debated writing any of this down
and in the end, i wanted it to be written and remembered
that motherhood was never easy.

but every moment was worth it.

this pregnancy was particularly difficult for me. i cried almost every single day from pain, swelling, vomiting, exhaustion. i would remind myself every single day how blessed i was to have the ability to grow my children. i felt extremely incompetent as a mother and prayed often to be a better one. i counted down every single 13 hour grave shift where i kept a smile on my face even when it hurt to stand and listen to life stories my patients loved to tell me. i counted down the days where i could have her outside instead of in.

and it was bliss. if you read the birth story, i was in heaven meeting my little piece of heaven. after they disconnected the pitocin, life couldn't be better. breastfeeding was going well, grandparents and aunts and uncles came to meet scarlett, i scarfed down a meal that i had been craving all day, i handpicked my nurses--who were also my best friends. i fed scarlett one last time around 11, before jeremy and i turned out the lights. the impact of what i did to amelia finally sunk in, i started to worry about how difficult this would be for her. when i heard that distinct sound of a baby gag, my baby gagging. i jumped up, turned scarlett on her side and started pounding on her back, like i had done many times to many babies. jeremy was right behind me and asked if he should call in a nurse. i declined help. scarlett turned blue and unresponsive and i panicked and yelled for help. a nurse rushed in and rushed her down to nursery, where they gave her oxygen by blow-by and we watched her sats come back up and return color. the nursery nurse told me this was only happening because of the nurses' curse, and reassured me she would be fine. jeremy stayed with scarlett in the nursery for another 2 hours, and convinced me to get some sleep. neither of us slept, and scarlett slept soundly. at the three hour mark, he brought her back to me to eat. she choked again as she was being handed to me, this time spitting up amniotic fluid and blood. i've seen this often, but it is so different when it is your own baby. fortunately, scarlett has not choked again, but i've lied awake for several hours in fear of sleeping through it.

we opted for a 24 hour short stay to hurry home to amelia. who showered scarlett with kisses and hugs. scarlett screamed all night, for the first two nights. it seemed all of a sudden she regressed and didn't know how to latch on. i hand-expressed colostrum and spoon fed it to her all night long, i cried with her and texted my friends at work if i could have an SNS kit for her. amelia would come out of her room and yell, "you holding scarlett!" and cry because she thought we loved her new sister more. i would cry with her because i didn't know what to do for either of my girls. scarlett finally latched on at 7 in the morning, and i cried again. scarlett's bilirubin was in the high intermediate risk zone and we had to go back to the hospital twice to get it rechecked on new year's eve and new years day. on the third night, scarlett woke up to nurse every half hour and i cried because i wasn't sleeping. i also cried because the cramping and the initial latch were killing me. i bled lots, and spent lots of time in the shower wondering when things would feel back to normal.

jer's mom had a birthday dinner the saturday after scarlett's birth. of course we went, and i felt exhausted and out of place. i tried to focus on my girls and tried to stay positive telling everyone how about life was these days. i watched everyone snap pictures of their families and i look at jer and told him how i never take pictures anymore. he looked puzzled and told me we could take one, when i started tearing up realizing i didn't want to be in any pictures because of how much of a train wreck i felt. and the i left to sob in the bathroom for a few minutes.

jeremy returned to work the following monday and it felt like maybe i could get back into a routine. until engorgement hit and i spent all day realizing i didn't have enough hands to feed my children and pump. and i took amelia to an appointment for this cough she's had for five months and spent two hours waiting for the pediatrician, getting a chest x-ray, getting a diagnosis for asthma, receiving some inhaler training. scarlett was still struggling to latch most attempts, and amelia was struggling to be gentle; it was most difficult when the two would occur simultaneously. i kept forgetting to take my motrin, which kept reminding me that after-cramps with baby #2 are for real.

the worst part? i kept waiting for tears of joy to come, for an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to be a mother again. but all i could cry were tears of struggle and sleep-deprivation and fear. here i was, finally i was getting to be a stay-at-home mom and i felt like such a failure. i had no appetite for food of any kind. everything was hurting or leaking. i was impatient with both my daughters. i struggled to find a compromise when both girls needed me at the same time. and i didn't know why everything felt so out of place. i kept telling myself, you're so lucky you're so lucky be grateful be grateful you're a good mom you're a good mom get it together get it together. one day, jeremy told me he fell in love with me before he married me and then he fell in love with me watching me turn into an amazing mom. and i just cried thinking i what a terrible mother i had become.

one week turned to two and two weeks turned to three. there were setbacks and comebacks: i got an ear infection and long-lasting throbbing headache. amelia started sleeping in her own room again. scarlett caught my cold and started coughing so hard she would spit up an entire meal. i would lose my patience and cry. amelia would tell me, "it's okay, mommy" and grew to listen better. scarlett finally started going 3-4 hours in between feedings during the night. but my breasts would wake me up anyway. slowly, scarlett started feeding better, my body started regulating itself, i started sleeping more, amelia started adjusting to a baby sister. yesterday was the first day i felt confident and happy and like i had it together. i was squished in the back seat in between my girls, holding scarlett's pacifier in, listening to amelia shout patty cake, "throw it in the oven for mommy and scarlett and millie!" realizing amelia asks where scarlett is every morning, tells me scarlett has to come to the library too, says "it's okay, scarlett, it's okay!" and "shh shh shh" and "what happened, scarlett?" whenever she cries, grabs every diaper and wipe i need and always asks if scarlett is poopy or needs bum cream, sings songs and shares books, and has added kissing and hugging scarlett to her bedtime routine. realizing my babies love each other.

i was holding scarlett this morning and those tears of happiness finally came. undeniable gratitude for the opportunity of being a mother. i'm still exhausted and amelia still tries to poke scarlett's eyes and i'm still scrubbing poop out of onesies and i'm still not sure how i look in most of my clothes and i still don't have enough hands, but i'm feeling these are the dig-deep moments of motherhood. you know the moments you cherish when your babies aren't babies anymore? i try and remember that time flies by so fast and one day there won't be diapers for me to change and little cheeks for me to kiss.

motherhood is definitely not picture perfect.
but i'm definitely the happiest when i'm trying my very best at my job.
i'm just so relieved we've finally reached an equilibrium.

also, shout out to my best friend. i can't even tell you how much i love him. for loving me through all the ugly times and always reassuring me that everything will be okay. every time i look at him, i just think about all the babies we're going to have together. xo