Missing

Okay... lately I've been a wimp about being alone. Actually, I take that back... I've always been a wimp about being alone. I hate it. absolutely despise being by myself. not really sure why it's so hard to take. It doesn't matter if Jer's sitting across the room and we're doing homework and not talking, it's great just being near him.

His preceptorship is killing me.

Jeremy is gone from 6pm-6am tonight (so I have another 6 hours until he's home)... and then he goes back at 2pm-2am. I just feel like I could cry thinking about it. Like if you work a really long shift and you know that you can go home and sleep for like 10 minutes and then you have to go back and work a really long shift again??? this is what it feels like. and yes, I'm in the comfort of our home... with plenty of things to pass my time... and yet, I feel like screammmmmmmmmmmmming. i think I've tried reading my textbooks somemore... watching our wedding video... facebook... laundry... cleaning.......... blog stalking other people... more cleaning...

The wedding video makes me cry. haha I know it's super cheesy. It just reminds me how happy we were (and how much I miss him haha). So to be honest, Jeremy and I had a recent disagreement. mostly because I was getting so annoyed with never seeing him. Sometimes it's hard to be happy you have such a hardworking, determined, smart husband when all you think about is how much less time you spend with him now compared to before you were married (at least in one's mind, hypothetically speaking). Sometimes I wish we had it handed to us- that we never had to work or go to school, and just spend all day in bed. It's all I can do forcing myself to get up, leaving jer, to go to work; I'm sure it's the same for him. It's been so long since we've slept in together, just waking up without an alarm. I remember when we first got married and we would say "wish I could not go to school/work/volunteering, and stay with you in bed all day... but then we'd be the contestants for the biggest loser!" ...and man, how I wish it more than ever.

on the upside. at least I can pretend I'm a pretty good housewife. haha! cleaning/laundry/dishes! BAH HA HA! ha! hahahaha! oh man. Let's change the subject because I feel like I am becoming more and more onery as i type.

Things I am grateful for:
-toilet paper
-education
-vision
-all 6 senses
...........is it five???
-good friends
-trust
-inspiration
-a really really great/my other half husband
-challenges (not while I'm going through them, but being able to look back and seeing what I've accomplished)
-skills
-having parents that taught me to develop the good habit of PLANNING and SAVING MONEY
-growing up (goodness, not growing old).
-emotions
-being independent
-modern technology- where would we be without transporation?
-goals/dreams
-exercise
-warmth
-comfort
-people who are nice to me even when I'm bossy
-forgiveness
-the feeling when you relieve a very full bladder
-puzzles
-dancing
-light warm rain
-picnics
-cute, romantic, 40s dates
-letters
-fresh flowers
-babies
-FOOD
-service***

...I think I started naming things I like...? however... on service. Isn't really such a great thing? I've never loved anything more (maybe that's an exaggeration, because I do love my husband a lot, but...) maybe it is a developed hobby for some... but it really is just so great. i really could dedicate my life work to this. I think in the future- near future, very far future, doesn't really matter- I want to move to a third world country, be poor, live a really humble life, and just serve. just... serve other people and help clean up some tragedies and disasters we as a people have caused on others. Sometimes, I feel like if we all had the right mindset in love, our earth could just take a breath and all could be well. Sometimes, I wish I could stop genicide. Sometimes I wish I could share with someone exactly what or how I feel when I serve a fellow man. Could it be that bad? Could our world- we as humans- have so much hate??? How did we obtain so so much hate? Sometimes i think so hard my head hurts and my teeth hurt from grinding. and then I take a step back... and jeremy has let me know plenty of times nobody will get away with hurting me. and so I think- we have hate, because others do our family wrong. because others do us wrong. and we take it out on their entire kind. and it's really heartbreaking. sometimes I get nauseous when i think about it. but this is why I'm so grateful for forgiveness. and so grateful for freedom and agency and love and  p e a c e  and family and great, trusting friends. I really do live such a great life, filled with enough blessings to keep all the sad ghosts away. so therefore I'm also grateful for thought, and the ability to obtain perspective. thank goodness for that, because if not, I might just be a miserable old maid.

so...ADD ready........... go.

jeremy graduates 8 weeks from this coming thursday. I'm so excited to embarrass him with his entire family at his comencement (I know he'll secretly love it) and buy him many, many pairs of new scrubs (apparently there are some out there with the whole zippers, buttons, and tie strings sha-bang...) and a nurse bag!!!! I'm so excited for jeremy, because he's worked so so hard and studied so so much and he's finally there! light at the end of the tunnnnnnnnnnnnnel!! So proud of him :)

Also. We finally decided on a baby name. (again, not pregnant or planning on becoming so in the near future). but, we've come to some mutual agreement!!! We love Scarlett Anne. (nobody steal that or we will be highly unhappy!!!!) and I like Kiley jo. (or Jo as a middle name period). I LOVE the name Ella. Love the nickname Millie, but I don't want to name my daughter Millicent-- any ideas??? Also, still trying to let Charlotte grow on Jer. It'll have to. :) But, babies are far far far down the road; it's just nice to dream once in a while :) I went over to my best friend's house today, her mom's preggers, and I think I almost cried looking at all the baby stuff. I'm so excited for the new baby girl in the family, I could die!! It's not that I'm really THAT baby crazy, I just truly think they're a huge blessing in this world. they're sweet little miracles, that just break your heart. I feel like if everyone could feel the way I feel about babies, genicides would stop.

anyway... really random. I think it's time to log off. 5 more hours to finish laundry and freak-clean the rest of our home. :)

love love love.