Friday, March 29, 2013


I think I'm losing my mind, you know?

no really,
I had to call my mother in law today to tell her I couldn't help her plan my sister in law's family baby shower all day tomorrow, because I am attending her other baby shower. and then I have to plan my primary lesson.
after I talked to a friend about a prospective job after graduation and realized that I still have to finish my resume so I can be ready as soon as the job posts. I also have to return some things to my preceptor really soon, because how could I possibly ask her to put in a good word for me if I still have it?
and then after that I realize that I was suppose to call grandma jackson for an assignment interview an hour ago.
and then after that I realized that I have a simulation at upper campus next friday morning with no babysitter, and I have to somehow pick up my graduation stuff at lower campus.

I feel like there are 50 things going on in my head.
because somehow my lists are not working
and my insanity is unraveling.

good thing I'm a soda addict and I'm just drinking away here.
good thing I don't have to run tomorrow morning.

sorry if I forget to text you back. or whatever.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

a journey

being a mom is a whole different journey than anyone could ever tell you.

I am a mother to a baby girl that is in the 1% for weight. No one seems to be too concerned, and while I'm too busy to be too concerned, I am always trying to get her to finish her plate. Every meal lasts for an hour.

She has also started this thing where she only wants me to feed her with my hands. Like, she will shake her head vigorously, "no" if I try feeding her with her spoon. If you know me, I kinda cringe when I have to get my hands dirty. I don't like kneading, I don't like chopping for too long, I don't like peeling oranges, and I certainly don't like eating/feeding anything sticky with my hands. So I cut her meal into bite-sized pieces and feed them to her one by one. I'm not sure if I should be reinforcing this behavior, but I'm pretty desparate. Also, I have to pretty much shove the whole bite into her mouth or she'll grab it with her hand, or spit it out.

Why not let her feed herself, you ask? She's pretty good at picking up finger foods. However, getting the bite in her mouth is a different story: she enjoys licking/tasting/chewing while the bite is still in between her thumb and forefinger, and then makes these ridiculous faces. This process just leads us to a two hour, instead of just a one hour meal, and a lot a lot of scraps in her high chair.

If I eat my meal with her (as in she gets a bite, I get a bite), she lets me know that I'm not feeding her fast enough. If I let her be the center of my attention, she takes her sweet time chewing and swallowing, and all I can think about is, I could have scarfed down 5 bites by now.......................

 Maybe it would be easier if there was a definite sign that she was full and done done. Most times I just have to wait a few minutes, clean up around me, and she'll be ready for a "second helping." We always finish her heaping plate, so I guess it's worth it.

If you knew how obsessive I am with time efficiency, and also the clean hands thing, you would understand how each meal tries and tries my patience. Yes, I realize that I could just "not care as much," but honestly, I think there's a block in my personality that prevents me to do so.

During mealtimes, I think to myself, If you want to have six kids, you're going to have to learn to be okay with your hands dirty. You're going to have to be okay with things not always going your way. You're going to have to understand children are children, and they are sitll figuring out how to eat and how they feel. Sometimes, it's just really hard to give up your lifestyle and readjust to someone else's. It was hard with marriage, and now it's hard as a mom. Sometimes, I think I'm losing myself. Myself, meaning the hardcore, go go go go go, woman that pushes and fights to be successful. I think I'm about to cry.

And then I'm feeding Amelia another bite, saying "mmmmmmm, delicious!" and she says, "mmmmmmmm!!" back and giggles at me. And somehow I realize that I will always be hardcore, go go go, and successful. Maybe we won't be as time efficient around here, but there's no race to see who finishes breakfast the fastest. I know that she feels loved and that she loves back, because everytime I walk in the room, her face lights up. Nothing really beats that. Nothing feels quite as successful as your sweet babe loving you with her whole heart.

And that is the best kind of journey.

I guess I really can't ask for anything more than a happy, healthy, growing, beautiful babe.
Really, I'm just winging it over here.


Friday, March 22, 2013

you are not a terrible parent.

a good friend share this with me today.
it's true and honest and humorous
and really worth your while if you have young kiddos at home.

friends, I obviously love my baby girl to pieces.
but sometimes, I get really impatient when she won't eat and I walk away while she's screaming.
or I text all my girlfriends for playdates because I need some adult time
and then I feel so guilty because I go to school and work, and shouldn't I just want alone time with my baby?

at the end of the day, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done.

breathe in. breathe out.

Friday, March 15, 2013

sleep deprivation

has led to me saying things like, "oh Amelia, you look so yummy! Mama's going to throw you into the oven and bake you like a pie! and then she's going to eat you all up!"

The whole phrase doesn't seem abnormal to me at all, until I'm attacking my baby with kisses, and Jeremy says, "did you hear that Amelia? Your mommy's going to bake you in the oven!" and then I realized... I don't even like pie.


all the cray cray aside, she is a pretty adorable babe:

Happy Spring, from our family to yours!


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

outside longer than inside.

I think my friend Lexie says it best. Amelia has spend more time in our arms then in the womb. 9 months growing her in utero, plus 9 nine months of breastfeeding makes a whole year and a half of sharing my body with this little babe! Couldn't have asked for a better calling.

Baby Amelia is cruising between furniture, taking a few (baby) steps by herself, but prefers to crawl because she's so much faster. She loves climbing stairs. She claps and waves. She throws her head back for her cheesy grin that fills her face. She discovered her tongue. She waves both her arms up and down when she's excited. She's silly and loves to laugh.

She gets side-tracked when her diaper is being changed. Sometimes she enjoys her bath, sometimes she does not. She loves to chase Mom when when they do chores together. She loves to sing and to be sung to. She eats like there's no tomorrow- her favorites are carrots, broccoli, squash, green and red bell peppers, and cheerios. She does NOT like avocados, spinach, bananas, apples, blueberries. Sometimes I sneak these foods in anyway.

She has improved on her naps- we can now count on 45 minutes to an hour and a half! Speaking of sleep, we usually get a good 7 hours between 11 pm and 6 am. We are working on dropping the 11 pm feeding- I'll keep you updated. Her bedtime routine includes a bath, one "last" feeding, bedtime prayer, and her bedtime song "I love to see the temple." Sometimes, when she's really antsy during her feeding, I'll sing the whole time. (Jeremy says my singing just makes it worst- what a stinker!)

She loves to play while I read to her, and loves to make comments too! Sometimes I'll read for hours, most times just a couple of books before she's ready to explore elsewhere. We started reading the Book of Mormon together the day- just finished the second chapter in 1 Nephi!

She usually wakes up by 8 am, and greets me with a huge grin on her face. She loves to go for walks, and loves being at the store, on a shopping cart. She still has some stranger anxiety, but has definitely improved. She's good at grabbing my arm tighter, before she starts screaming.

She loves her Daddy- just adores him, because he's so fun. He works so hard for both of us so we can live in this beautiful home. I can't believe she has grown up so fast. She is such an amazing spirit in our lives. Sometimes I just hold her close and take a deep breath, because I know how close to Heaven I am.

I never knew life could be so good. Happy belated 9 months, Amelia! We love you, babe!

Monday, March 4, 2013

my body

Yesterday was fast and testimony Sunday. and there was definitely a clear theme.
Sacrament started with a beautiful baby blessing, where the baby girl was blessed with many things, including an able body and and a grateful heart to apprieciate it.

A young man stood up and told us about his younger sister who had been losing weight and had not been feeling well for weeks. Turns out she has been hyperglycemic for a while, likely has type 1 diabetes, and was lucky to have caught this before an incident had occured.

My friend stood up and shared that her daughter, who just got married and moved to Germany four short months ago, discovered that her brain tumor had grew back.

The closing testimony was bore by a lady who is older. I don't know what she has, but she has been sick on and off for a long time, and always carries a portable oxygen tank. She pointed out how we were given able bodies, and how blessed we are.

BAM. straight to the heart.
I've been kind of obsessed with my body lately. okay, for a long time. I weigh myself at least times 5-6 times a day. I get paranoid when I don't run, and I stress about it when I do homework, sleep, work, etc. I didn't want to eat two months into having a baby because the weight wasn't coming off. I look through pictures of skinny girls and make myself cry. Last september-december, I was throwing up consistently (unintentionally), and I was relieved. It's sick, I know. I am my own worst critic.

This testimony meeting led to tears in my eyes. Because, really, I needed it. It reminded me of things I should already know. I have a perfect, able body. I have hands that can serve others. I have legs that can run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint. I have a mind that can think, eyes that can see good in others, ears, nose, voice, sensations all intact. I have a heart that can love, lips that can kiss, vital organs that function. I have a body able to bear healthy children, a body that can feed my baby.

I am so grateful for my body, for all that is does.
I am blessed.