so.
I was reading some things I wrote from the last year and the year before that. It gives me chills to think about the kind of person I was back then. It was like... I was screaming for help at the top of my lungs all the time, everyday. and still, nobody could hear. I have no idea what I was looking for. I have no idea what I wanted. directionless. I really was so... sad. I get tears in my eyes remembering who I was. I remember that I never got excited about anything. I remember how I never cried. I remember how uncomfortable I felt around people. I remember how my mother and I stopped fighting because I couldn't say anything anymore. I remember when I was starving myself because I never had an appetite. I remember how I would just emotionally crash into things so I could get through everyday. and all I wanted was for everyone to think I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, where I was going. ....and that's fine. because this blog isn't about who I use to be and how scared am I for that girl.

I guess I just wanted to take a moment, step back and consider how grateful I am. It's kind of hard to explain to people "how married life" is when you don't see them too often, or if they don't know your spouse very well. but the truth is, I've never been this happy in my life. my entire life. and yes, 19 years does feel really long for the journey I've traveled. but, I could never explain to you what it feels like to be loved by Jeremy. everything I type here is just a tiny glimpse you'll see in our lives. Sometimes Jer still doesn't understand when I tell him he saved my life. and maybe he never will, but maybe that doesn't really matter in the long run.

When we started dating... I was just some crazy directionless lost depressed (yes I said it) empty shallow careless girl. and Jeremy took it. He always took me exactly the way I was and loved me to pieces. He is the least judgement person I've ever met. and I am so grateful for his beautiful family. I remember telling Jeremy everyday how much I loved him, how lucky I was to have him. I couldn't believe it when he would say it back.

There are just some feelings that you couldn't replace. There are just some things you wish you could feel all the time, always and forever. home. safe. love. gratitute. comfort. beauty. freedom. and I feel all those things everytime I'm with Jeremy. I remember having a testimony of prayer for the first time. this might sound a bit selfish... but I don't think I could accept anything not knowing Jeremy would be mine for eternity. and so May came along and I was never more sure of anything in my life. and I remember being so scared. of everything my parents would say and think and feel. and I remember crying and shaking so hard the night of May 28th, and I remember Jeremy, of course, being there to promise me everything will be okay and to hold me to sleep.

I remember everything about the next day being perfect. family. I remember going under water and feeling infinity. I can gather bits and pieces and I still couldn't explain perfection. I cry when I think too much into it.

finally Jeremy asked me to marry him. 5 months before we had planned it. of course he knew it had to be a surprise to be perfect. and of course I was mad at him right before he got down on one knee. I'm not a big fan of screaming. and I never use my "real screaming voice" unless I'm really really excited about something. hmm... passing AP calc and AP Euro tests. Hillcrest basketball winning region my sophomore year. a lot of random things when I was younger and very excited. yup and getting proposed to. "of course, it's a yes" and now without that ring on my finger, it feels completely naked.

so sealing the deal. I remember waking Jeremy up the morning before oct. 8th and telling him how much I loved him. he was so tired, and he listened to everything I said and he had to tell me not to cry. I was so excited to be his bride, to have him live this day I had planned for him my entire life. and there are things I feel like I have to tell Jeremy sometimes and it's the end of the world if he doesn't understand and I'm scared I can't get the words out right and I have to write a letter. and still the letter is ridiculous because it doesn't say everything I'm feeling and everything I need him to know. but he understands everytime he reads my letters. he can fill in the spaces in between my words because he understands everything I'm feeling and everything I'm trying to say. and so the first time we kissed that morning was also our first kiss as hubby and wifey. so cute :)

so yes, married life is great. greater than I could ever imagine, and everything I've ever wanted and expected. It's not just that Jeremy still opens every door and always pays for dinner. It's not just that he deals with my space heater temp. at 75 degrees because he knows I hate being cold. It's not just all the pictures he takes with me, how he always reminds me to text him when I get somewhere so he knows I'm safe, how he cooks breakfast for me when I have a big day ahead, how he's always so sincere and honest and true, how we both save and save but know when to spend, how he makes sitting in traffic go by so much quicker. It's so much more simple than anything I could tell you. He makes everything... right. It's just that finding your husband in your best friend and knowing it's for forever and more... sometimes you have to take a step back and be grateful.

I love Jeremy. I love those three words. and life is so beautiful.

love,
L