before I die, part 1

similar to many of my other deep emotional blogs, I always have difficulty finding where to start.

lately I've been having some trouble with the concept of death. and not finishing some work I feel like I have to do, and the people I leave behind, and the words that I have held back that I wish I didn't. things like such. so a dear friend of my mine gave me some pretty simple advice- get your things done and take control. I really liked that. probably because I'm pretty controlling.

I'm shaking pretty hard right now.




Dear Mom,

I love you.
and I'm sorry that we have a hard time communicating with each other sometimes.
a lot of the times it's my fault.

here's the thing-
I'm mormon.
I was baptized on May 29th, 2010. A lot of people ask me if I got bapitzed for Jeremy. and I understand the question if it's burning in the back of your mind, because we were engaged about a month later and married three months after that. The answer is no. That would have been too easy. Building my own testimony by myself is exactly why I think it's so strong.

It wasn't always easy. There was a lot of doubting actually. The first thing that made sense to me was prayer. and praying will always be the first thing I bear my testimony about to anyone. I love that you can pray to Heavenly Father whenever, whereever, however. and that He always listens. He always comforts and He always answers. He is always there to carry us. He knows us more than you can imagine. I cry everytime someone revelates about how He feels about me.

And the temple is SO beautiful, peaceful, breathtaking, reverent, perfect. I almost can't believe that going there always gives me insight about what I have been praying about. how to live better, love better, be better. I always feel so refreshed and ready to start anew. I always feel so comforted.

There's no way that all these feelings can't be true. You know me. I never cry. about anything. but I cry all the time because the Holy Ghost blesses me. I hope that someday this will make sense to you.

I hope someday the gospel will reach your heart. I hope someday you will feel the holy ghost and it will bring you the same happiness that it fills me with. I hope that someday you get to hear the blessings you receive in the temple. I hope that you believe them.

Love,
me.




I have been working up the courage to bear my testimony to my parents. and to anyone really. Being a convert, I know that it's not always comfortable to have someone always intensely pushing the gospel on you and bearing their testimony to you. Sometimes that draws everyone away. and sometimes it saves a life. it's all under Heavenly timing.

If I die before growing a pair and sharing this with my mom, I hope that someone will translate this into Chinese and talk to her for me.

and if nothing changes from there, then I hope that this has somehow directly or indirectly alter someone's life for the better.