17 days

lately, I've had a lot of thoughts, and not a lot of time to organize them.

motherhood is incredible. like they always tell you. but not exactly how you expected.

My mother always told me about my huge, bright eyes when I was a newborn. how my grandma would always brag about them to company and visitors. and now my mom always talks about Amelia's eyes. they're giant, and oh so expressive. I look down at those eyes everytime I'm nursing, and something happens I can't really express. I'm crying as I'm writing this down. I watch those eyes grow heavy every couple of hours and I feel like she's growing immensely in my arms everyday.

In the middle of the night, when I can barely pull myself out of bed, I try to remember how this won't last. How fast she grows. How in a week and a half, we're going to introduce bottles, and millie won't be dependant on me for nourishment. I try to remember how she's already 17 days old. I try not to think about her driving, and going to college, and getting married. I try not to cry in the middle of the night, when I'm just looking down at those eyes, holding her, feeling her grow.

and then there are days, the kind of days that you tell stories about and laugh later down the road. days when I have to wash my bedsheets twice because of spitting up and accidents involving not putting a new diaper down fast enough. or when Amelia gets 3 new diapers in the matter of 15 minutes. or when I've done everything in my power, and Amelia is still crying crying crying. or when I realize my back feels like it's going to break because I'm trying to rock Amelia to sleep so often. or when I finally have to ask for help in the middle of the night, waking Jeremy up, because I can't take the crying anymore. or when nothing about my body feels the same- because there's so many changes from pregnancy, and pre-pregnancy that sometimes you feel so frustrated and helpless.

every decision we make around the house revolves around Amelia. when or if we leave for events, because she might get hungry on the drive, or during. How I plan my day with her sleep schedule (right now, I'm choosing blogging over laundry). When I can shower, do I have time to cook dinner, should we pick her up or let her fuss a little? Even such simple things like picking my outfit for the day, because is it convenient to nurse with it?

motherhood is oh so hard, demanding, exhausting. but it is incredible.

and to think, the only thing I knew about babies when Amelia was born was to support her head when I held her. It's amazing how natural motherhood is. 17 days. and it feels like I've never done anything except.

I just try to remember those eyes.