in the middle of the night

it seems that I get most of my insights at 5:30 in the morning lately.
in the middle of the night, where I'm alone with millie and my thoughts.

yesterday, marks the first real day of frustration in my motherhood chapter.
the night before that terrible cramps and more bleeding had started, engorgement occurred from our trip to wyoming, all my joints were sore, and I had this massive headache. all the drove me to the point of taking a motrin (remember, I am not a medication girl).
the massive headache, the kind that holds a 7 on a pain scale where labor contractions are a 10, the kind that makes you kind of go blind, lasted all day yesterday.
but millie was good, she let me take a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.

jeremy came home from work and watched millie the entire night, and let me lie in bed, since sleep was the only thing that could take the edge off.
but every hour I had to wake up and feed my baby, who would be thrashing her head around and screaming in frustration, because her dad had waited until the last minute to try and give me the most rest possible.
and I'm using my warning tone, "amelia, you need to stop." my warning tone, not my soothing tone. and where did that even come from?
all the while I'm just muttering, "this pain is unreal. it is unreal"

so 5:30 this morning, I realize that my headache is gone. and I'm filled with guilt. all amelia really wants is food, her diaper changed, sleep, love, and to be held. that is it. and that's all I need to provide her with! She is getting so long, and filling in with rolls. these headaches won't last, and neither will these moments I get to feed her and feel her tiny rapid breaths next to me.

these moments won't last.