for my entire life, I have been inpatient of slow things.
I can't help it, I really have tried.

but I just can't. I want things to be my way, and now.

{22.23.24}

dear amelia ray,

the last 3 weeks have been just the tiniest bit havoc.

for week 22,

your daddy and i celebrated valentines day early,

and talked about how next year we're going to bring you to park city with us

and build a cute snowman family.

we talked about how there is only 4 months left before you get here,

and how beautiful and sweet you will be.

we talked about me not working so hard because of how it affects you.

we talked about how much we love you.

That was the week where I was on my feet for 48 hours and almost passed out doing wound care.

That was the week your aunt denise came by and dropped off adorable clothes and lots of baby items for you.

I think you heard aliya crying too- you'll already have a friend waiting for you when you get here.

That was the week we had your doctor's appointment, finding out you measuring up to size with perfectly growing organs.

for week 23,

we went to a baby's blessing for your second cousin, brendan.

I think people are starting to notice how much I eat, and I really don't mind too much (since I don't feel you complaining...)

I had a rather easy week in terms of school scheduling,

but we studied for a massive exam together.

(yes, I know it was you making me exhausted everytime I read out loud to you.)

turns out, we make a pretty amazing team- scores we posted, we did great.

Your aunts and I had a girls night, we each brought an item for dinner (some prepared more than others... ie. I slaved an entire afternoon for delicous breadsticks, and also found olive garden bags to bring them in...). we watched "food, inc," which was an amazing documentary, and discussed public schools polices that made me nervous on how to raise you.

your dad had a "boy's night" with your uncles. planned last minute, of course. they had dinner, and watched... gold mine?

This was the week that I lost confidence after I missed 2 iv's (in a plastic arm).

This was the week your aunt emily and her girls came to visit.

This is the week that I watched 4 episodes of a certain show instead of studying.

week 24, has just barely started...

but like always, you and i are busy busy busy.

this week I found out that I will probably not be getting a good night's rest for the next four months.

so far, i have been waking up every hour, every night to readjust because of cramping,

i have had massive headaches,

your kicks are stronger than ever.

(and your dad is sooooo excited he got to feel some of them).

your dad and I spoke in sacrament meeting this sunday.

(sorry for the hyperventilating and tachycardia).

I got to share my testimony to a big group of people for the first time since my baptism almost 2 years ago.

and your daddy shared about how much he loves you and wishes you'd get here sooner.

he loves you so much he sang three different primary songs to you last night.

it was a pretty great sunday.

don't you ever forget how loved you are.

xoxo,

mommy.

valentines

I just realized that I never blogged about valentines. I read about all of yours and smiled as my heart swelled with excitement about your love for your partner and your gifts and your lovely day/evening. valentines day is so wonderful, as is any day to celebrate love. I think my good friend jessica says it best- there's not enough time to celebrate your love in just one day.

true love isn't measured by a perfect day. or the most luxurious gift, or the most expensive dinner, or best surprise. true love is when you can't spend a day apart not missing each other. it's when you come home to dinner and pink roses waiting after a long day. it's when you worry. it's when you can fall asleep and wake up holding the man you love. it's when you sing ridiculously loud and obnoxious-like and make annoying accents and ruin the night with terrible gas and still laugh about it. it's when you kiss after a huge fight. it's when you tell every stranger you meet together that you're pregnant when you're only 6 weeks along, because you can't spill the beans anywhere else. it's when a awkward haircut makes you love him more. it's in all those tiny moments you realize that your love is bigger than you can possibly imagine. it's infinite.

This year, Jeremy and I spent our valentines evening doing our taxes, in our scrubs. we went to the grocery store and laughed at all the men we saw running to the floral and card section. we dined at zupas, the only place that satisfies my cravings lately, even though jer's not a big fan. and we went to bed early because I had to wake up at 04:30 for clincals the next day. simple, ordinary events on a day that made me grateful for the best man I know. my day was perfect, complete with a homemade heart-shaped card and a new wedding band because my ring finger is a little swollen from being pregnant.

I do love perfect evenings that are perfectly planned with flowers and dinner and a hotel room, but this valentines I am grateful for my fairytale happily ever after. I am so grateful to have a husband that is great to me on valentines day and every other day of the year. here's to true love, and everybody who has been an example to us of it.

so jeremy ray, here's to us, for our true love. here's to one last valentines, just the two of us.

aside from being pregnant...

48 hours of patient care this week.

24 at clinicals, 24 at work

...just saying.

oh, I also may or may not have almost passed out

in a patient's room fully gowned-up as portrayed by the picture above.

bodtcher to bodtcher

I was having a chat a while back with my father-in-law, who complained about me never writing about him on my blog. It sounded like he was hurt and really jealous...

well anyways, this blog is dedicated to my second father.

Randy John Bodtcher is one of my favorite people on this planet. This man is so sarcastic and serious that first impressions always reveal a mean old grump. and then he tells you never-ending mortifyingly dirty jokes and watches lady antebellum music videos on repeat, and you're perplexed about his personality. He can hold a grudge without inching a budge and he can talk about stories about electricity until ... well, you know.

What you don't know when you first meet Randy:
-he loves children. he adores them. His grandchildren are spoiled rotten (including the one growing inside me). he loves playing with them, he loves making them laugh, he loves holding them and rocking them to sleep. he completes he wife.
-he's an honest man. he started his family at a young age, loved and supported them, committed to them, and gave them his entire soul. He co-raised five wonderful, temple-worthy, hardworking children. He jokes about attractive women, but I watch him rub his wife's arm when they watch television and subtlely smack her bum, and I hope to be them in 30 years.
-he's the hardest worker I know. he worked three jobs to support his family. he studied through his children's laughing and playing to obtain his electrican license. he remodeled his house so his wife could have a beautiful kitchen. he paid for three weddings in 2010. he won the family biggest loser last year!
-he knows something about forgiveness. as he taught us in fhe, it's not the easiest thing to do- but you know he's a living example of it.
-he scored a hot wife! (five kids, right?)
-he is a huge part of why my husband is the man he is. Jeremy didn't learn responsibility, respect and hard work by himself. He watched his father's example growing up, and he never forgot. He treats women with respect, he loves his family, he's an honest man, he cooks sunday morning breakfast, he works hard to take care of his family. characteristics that are sometimes so hard to find in men these days. Old-fashioned chivalry passed straight down from his father.

so here's to you, my second father, for living a life so inspiring. Thank you for your example to us.

necessities

when our bishopric called jeremy and i separately to teach different age groups in primary, I was a wee bit perplexed. about having a companion that wasn't my husband, about him having a companion that wasn't me, about getting to know a new class all over again, about teaching children about the gospel and making sure they know how important it is.

so anyways, i'm pretty sure the bishopric knew what they were doing (as always) and this morning was evidence.

my husband needs me. words that every wife needs confirmation of, right? this week was jeremy's turn to teach his primary class, which of course he procrastinated on preparing the lesson until last night. this morning, in a rush-like panic thirty minutes before church, he asked me where our paper was (for his activity), to write the months of the year on paper for him, where our scissors were, if we had crayons (which he stole from my church bag), what i was doing for snack (which he copied), and finally "asked" if he could use my school bag as his church bag (he very nicely dumped my stuff out to replace all aforementioned items).

yes, i am needed.

and yes, i do love my mister. we're still a team, even though we don't teach primary together.

21

sweet 21.
eating like crazy. on my feet everyday like crazy. exhausted like crazy. eager to hold my girl.
Jeremy wants to get me some "maternity stockings" aka ted hose, to help with my venous return. Which is so sweet and thoughtful since I spend 2 nine-hour days at the hospital and 2 eight-hour days at work a week.
anyways, super excited for and looking forward to another doc appt. this friday, and we are celebrating v-day early this saturday!!
I've made two dinners in the last week, and that might not sound impressive... but it IS!
I'm in an excellent mood as I type and that's about all I have to report! ;)

How far along? 21 weeks

Total weight gain: 16 pounds. I debated about sharing this, but why not? it's out in the open now, and my excellent mood isn't going to let me stress over it.

Maternity clothes? maternity shirts, and I can still proudly wear my skinny jeans without alterations!!! but since I have work/clinicals so much, I'm always just wearing scrubs.

Stretch marks? nope!

Sleep: sometimes great, sometimes achy.

Best moment this week: feeling my babe kick constantly and being able to sleep!
Miss Anything? being able to stand up like a normal person haha.
Movement:  oh yes.

Food cravings: not much lately... except maybe zupas!!
Anything making you queasy or sick: nothing in specific, it just kinda comes on at random times!

Gender: girl. :)
Labor Signs: nope!

Symptoms: just getting bigger, back and lower belly cramps, exhaustion, etc.

Belly Button in or out? in (barely though!!)
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: happy!
Looking forward to: summer!!!

20

dear amelia ray,

today is the last day of our week 20, so I figured I better blog about it. amazing, right? twenty weeks! You are just creating a new definition of love all by yourself. I can barely stand it bursting between us. I can feel you kick on a daily basis now. On Monday, you wouldn't stop. I was volunteering at the Family Support Center and I could just feel your thump... thump... thump... it didn't matter if I was sitting down or moving around. you are just a kicker! and I can just tell you love waking up at 4:30 am with me, I just imagine you being furious with all kicking in there. sorry babe, momma's gotta go to clinicals and prove to you how important a college education is.

Here's the two of us. it makes me a little nervous to see how fast you are growing! (or how fast I am growing). We had our 20 week ultrasound this week, and aren't a perfect little angel?

I thought for sure my favorite part was going to be seeing your heart again. (just look at those 4 beautifully beating chambers!!!!)

but in the end... it had to be you just slowly opening your mouth. You were quite the stubborn one (took after your daddy), head in my bladder, not moving and hiding your face behind your arms the entire ultrasound... so glad you came around. being there just holding your dad's hand and seeing you grow so big easily made my month. easily.

ps. if I didn't mention that you are loved? you are!

your Aunt Melissa Ann brought over that cute elephant picture frame just for you. no words, except... you are loved! and your daddy bought us those beautiful long-stemmed pink roses. :)

Your grandma Bodtcher and aunt melissa jane bought these outfits for you to come home in. the one I am holding has elephants  all over and reads "I love mommy" (because you sure do!) and that one that your dad is holding says "daddy's little princess." it's perfect because he always calls me "princess" when he thinks I'm acting "spoiled," which I'm sure you'll inherit from me. :) you little princess!

isn't that just the cutest Sunday outfit you ever did see? You are going to be the best dressed baby in the universe! I have these hanging up in the kitchen to remind me of you everyday. I just cry thinking of you being big enough to fill these clothes!!!

You are just my favorite! and I love you so so so much. forever and ever and always.

remembering

Confession: somedays I'm scared out of my mind to be a nurse.
This week I remember why I want to be a nurse.

1. I had an amazing nurse to follow. She graduated less than a year ago, and remembered exactly what it felt like to be a student. She explained things to me so patiently and helped me feel confident enough perform nursing skills (assessments, IV flushes, hanging IVs, suppositories, DobbHoff tube feedings, meds, sterile technique). I felt like I had all the support in the world to be independent and successful.

2. My patient had such a great improvement from the first day I cared for her to the second. It was so rewarding to watch her devastating stage improve and progress. I was so thrilled when she finally smiled and agreed accept my help. Who knew peri care could be so satisfying?

3. Pallative care. There are no words to describe this. One sure indicator of how someone lived his/her life is the people who choose to be at his/her bedside at the end of it. This patient had his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in his room. It was tragic to watch his beautiful wife hold his hand in the midst of their entire posterity. It was heartwarming to listen to them share hilarious stories in his good memory. My heart broke a million times just standing there in the middle of their infinite love trying to provide comfort.

Sorry I'm not being super detailed. HIPPA requires healthcare providers to keep the privacy of their patients, so nothing I write about can give away who my patient actually is. These last two days have been so rewarding to me and I wish I could share more. Sometime in my CNA career, I struggled too much with the concept of death that it drove me to restrain from any deep emotional connections from my patients. This withdrawal led to difficulties in connecting with my career choice as a nurse, and therefore to a crazy state of insecurities about myself and my skills.

in the end, these experiences prove who I want to be. It's worth holding my bladder for 7+ hours (yes, even with my kicking parasite). It's worth every heartbreak that I don't think I can handle. It's worth 4 years of school that involve too much sleep deprivation. It's all worth it to hold my patients' hand and to promise them that they are more than a just room number to me.