remembering

Confession: somedays I'm scared out of my mind to be a nurse.
This week I remember why I want to be a nurse.

1. I had an amazing nurse to follow. She graduated less than a year ago, and remembered exactly what it felt like to be a student. She explained things to me so patiently and helped me feel confident enough perform nursing skills (assessments, IV flushes, hanging IVs, suppositories, DobbHoff tube feedings, meds, sterile technique). I felt like I had all the support in the world to be independent and successful.

2. My patient had such a great improvement from the first day I cared for her to the second. It was so rewarding to watch her devastating stage improve and progress. I was so thrilled when she finally smiled and agreed accept my help. Who knew peri care could be so satisfying?

3. Pallative care. There are no words to describe this. One sure indicator of how someone lived his/her life is the people who choose to be at his/her bedside at the end of it. This patient had his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in his room. It was tragic to watch his beautiful wife hold his hand in the midst of their entire posterity. It was heartwarming to listen to them share hilarious stories in his good memory. My heart broke a million times just standing there in the middle of their infinite love trying to provide comfort.

Sorry I'm not being super detailed. HIPPA requires healthcare providers to keep the privacy of their patients, so nothing I write about can give away who my patient actually is. These last two days have been so rewarding to me and I wish I could share more. Sometime in my CNA career, I struggled too much with the concept of death that it drove me to restrain from any deep emotional connections from my patients. This withdrawal led to difficulties in connecting with my career choice as a nurse, and therefore to a crazy state of insecurities about myself and my skills.

in the end, these experiences prove who I want to be. It's worth holding my bladder for 7+ hours (yes, even with my kicking parasite). It's worth every heartbreak that I don't think I can handle. It's worth 4 years of school that involve too much sleep deprivation. It's all worth it to hold my patients' hand and to promise them that they are more than a just room number to me.