22

Dear Scarlett,

I read somewhere that this is the week we can start hearing you through a stethoscope. I tried getting Amelia to hear you before heading to work one day... unfortunately, she was unimpressed! Ha! It's quite a bit harder to find you because both you and the stethoscope are so small-- good thing I have a few dopplers to track down from work to find you a little easier!

I'm truly starting to love my job. I'm so glad you've been with me every step of the way. One of the hardest parts is helping moms with breastfeeding. All the nurses on the unit are required to follow a lactation consultant for a day and take an 8 hour breastfeeding class, but dang it, breastfeeding is hard! There are so many different breasts and so many different babies and baby personalities and so many different mom personalities! And some days, I just want to throw in the towel because my back hurts so much from bending over for such long periods of time! This week, I successfully helped a mama get her stubborn baby to latch on AND suck (I know it sounds like it should be an innate reflex, but it's not! It's totally a learning process for baby and mom!) Gosh, it was so hard, but so worth it to see baby sucking for 15 straight minutes at the right place and having the mama thank me repeatedly for supporting her. I truly believe breast is best, and I'm glad I get to share some knowledge and help mamas and babies out with such a difficult process! Another mom told me at the end of one of my shifts that all the nurses here were so great, but I was her favorite. It hit me and got me a little teary because it reminded me of why I wanted to be a nurse-- to truly love and make a difference for someone who is at a vulnerable stage in their lives. I worried I might have lost some of that this past year, working at a rehabilitation and long term care. There's too many deaths and too many angry patients and families and not a whole lot of show for how hard you try to please. I'm so grateful I get the opportunity to help so many women during such a special time in their lives and get paid for it along the way too! It's not all sunshine and roses (like anywhere you work), but I feel so blessed for this job!

Scarlett babe, 22 is my lucky number! I'm excited there's only 18ish weeks before you're here. I can't believe how much you're moving these days-- I have a feel you're going to take after your big sister Amelia!

Love you,
Mom

it has always been you

I've always thought it was the sweetest when I saw a man taking care of his girl. And loving it too, like not caring if his buds teased him about being "so whipped." It melted my heart seeing boys opening doors, or picking out flowers, or reading sweet poems and I always encouraged it with a big AWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww. I've always loved it, but I never needed it for myself.

I never needed it because I was insistent on taking care of myself. I can open my own doors perfectly fine, I can also have my own college degree and career to support myself, thanks! And growing up made me realize that those were all the little things... the big things were so much bigger-- the sense of responsibility, being a good father, being the bigger and better person in disagreements.

Anyways, Jeremy blew all my expectations out of the water. From the get-go he was all the little things and all the big things too. He opened all my doors and paid for every date. He held my hand and introduced me as his girlfriend. He always let me listen to my tswift on the radio (and remembered the lyrics too) and let me pick out chick flicks for movie night. He was never scared to say I love you in public or write me long long letters when I was nervous about investigating in the lds church. But he did tell me his greatest fear was not being able to support his family. He did tell me he always wanted to give his wife the option to work outside or inside the home. He did tell me he wanted to be sealed in the temple for eternity.

All the little things and all the big things, even now. Flowers for all the major events, but especially for no reason at all. I think he goes to the store with Amelia at night when I'm working and picks some out. Random "I love you" sticky notes around the house. Nowadays, I dread going to Costco with Amelia for multiple reasons, so Jer takes us to Sam's (less busy and "stressful" as he puts it) and refuses to let me pick anything up. even a case of yogurt. Scarlett is pushing on me and cramping me up, so he tells me to sit and he'll look for the oatmeal. We have a random date night, and he pulls over at a random store and asks if I want to walk around-- we do and make fun of all the ridiculous prices. The clock is ticking with only four months before Scarlett gets here, I tell Jeremy I don't want to work more than one day a week. He budgets every other night to make sure we're on track. Because I'm feeling insecure, he tells me I'll be bringing in the big dough to cover our private insurance and the groceries.

He still blows my my expectations out of the water. I love that our baby girl has him wrapped around his finger. She tries to hustle us into singing her as many bedtime songs as possible, and I'm always catching Jer whisper-singing after I've already walked out. He's always feeding her extra bites of ice cream because he can't resist her "pwwwease?" He taught her to say, "cute bum, mommy!" (which I'm not sure how appropriate it is to share on social media...) He always holds my hands and kisses me when Amelia is watching, so she knows how much he loves her mommy. He takes her to church by himself while I sleep, which is no easy task! He teaches her how to cook and clean, and how to catch and throw and make a lawn look nice, how to sing and count and how to dance and be reverent too.

I feel like I've been talking about my husband a lot lately, but I'm truly so grateful for the man he is and for all that he does. Whenever I think back to the day we got married, after 10 months of dating, I feel like we barely knew each other then. I barely knew him, and I knew he was my soul mate. It's a crazy, wonderful adventure and it's so lovely that Jeremy is everything and more that I've ever dreamed of.

Jeremy Ray, it has always been you.

21

dear scarlett,

we've had an eventful week:

daddy took off early from work so we could go to the ogden utah temple open house on tuesday. it was so beautiful, on the inside and the out. amelia was so excited-- she sang "the temple song" while we were inside and also tried to climb in the baptismal font! we hope you will be just as excited about the temple one day. daddy and i have been to FOUR different temple open houses in just the span of a few years- draper, oquirrh mountain, brigham, and now ogden. we are so lucky to live in a place where temples are so bountiful and available! I hope to one day take you through a temple open house so you can feel the strong spirit for yourself. :)

we had our first on-call shift on wednesday. I was so excited I wasn't called in at 7 pm, and definitely thought i was off the hook. unfortunately, we got called in at 11 for the remaining eight hours. four shifts a week is definitely a bummer, I think maybe that's why we were more pukey this week? at least the shift was easy, and at least imc makes it worth it with premium pay.

the envision (daddy's work) barbeque was penciled in for thursday evening. I think daddy was excited to show us off a little. only a little bummer that we got sick right before, and daddy got us some tomato basil soup from village baker instead. daddy also let us take a nice little nap before bedtime too (love him).

this week, I started working on halloween costumes! amelia will be hedwig the owl, and daddy and we will be coordinating harry potter characters! halloween is definitely one of those "mom holidays" --it didn't mean a whole lot to me when I was younger, but I sure love celebrating now that I have you babes! I wonder how long I'll get able to get away with matching family costumes... hopefully you girls will humor me for a few more years!

seeing you at your anatomy ultrasound was easily the best part of my week. the moment I saw your sweet profile, spine, stomach, heart, ears, legs, hands, feet, I was reminded of how lucky I was to be growing you. as I was watching the four chambers of your heart pumping blood, I started tearing up thinking about what a miracle you are-- even down to your tiny little organs. all because daddy and I loved each other so much. I felt so blessed to have daddy holding my hand while we watched you kick and roll. the ultrasound technican mentioned it's clear why I can feel movement all the time-- you're a crazy little baby, just like your big sister!

I can't believe we're over halfway done cooking you-- the days are long, but the weeks are flying by.

I can't wait to meet you and smell you and kiss your sweet cheeks.

I love you so,

mom

i love you so

my jeremy babe has been picking up that slack around here lately. he plans all of our activities, gives amelia all her baths and lets me lotion her up (my favorite part), helps me with the costco shopping, lets me pick where we're having dinner and pulls over to let me puke it out, takes lots of pictures of amelia while i sleep, rubs my tummy and tells scarlett to be good. sunday morning, i came home to these pink roses, because he likes to buy me flowers for no reason at all. yesterday, he packed amelia and i up to buy paint at home depot for the new nursery. today, he's coming home early so we can go to ogden temple open house. i'm so grateful for him and all he does for me and our babes. we are so lucky!

18/19/20

Dear Scarlett,

We are slowly preparing for your arrival.

Week 18 is the week big sis Amelia switched to a toddler bed. Nobody is really getting sleep around here anymore.

This is the week I started feeling you kick every single day. Thank you for your sweet reminder every day!

This is the week that we were offered a job on a labor and delivery unit, and Daddy helped me remember my dream job is to be a Mommy.

This is the week we filled our zofran prescription.

Week 19 is the week mommy started falling in love with her new job on the mom-baby unit.
We love spending our free time in the nursery (anywhere between 2 and 5 am), helping nursery nurse and CNA hold and feed sweet babies while moms and dads sleep. You like to kick the babes.
I also like to check fetal heart tones on you when I'm feeling nervous, how convenient we have dopplers lying around the entire unit right?
This is the week that big sis Amelia started preschool. She loves to learn, and I'm sure she'll share the joy of curiosity with you. In the meantime, you and I get a little nap and a little extra time to clean two days a week.

Week 20 is the week Daddy felt you kick for the first time!
He loves you so so much. My heart swells because he is such a good father and you will have the perfect example of what to look for in a man. Daddy, Amelia and I spent our Sunday afternoon feeding ducks, walking around the temple, playing at Country Crossing Park, making and eating cinnamon rolls. All plans by Daddy! I couldn't help but feel so blessed sitting with you, watching him and Amelia play. We are three lucky girls!
This is the week Mommy finished orientation and started working on the floor on her own (with you, of course). Bear with me as we run around all night making sure these moms and babies are taken care of.
This is the week we filled our phenergan prescription. and started to feel better.

I love you so so so so much. forever and always.
Mom

a note on clarity

It's funny how sometimes all your dreams come true but they didn't work out how you imagined it and you forget how blessed you are. A few weeks ago, I started my new job on the mom-baby unit at IMC. I was so excited and couldn't believe I got to work with moms and babies all day long. That same week, I interviewed for a job on the labor and delivery unit for the University Hospital. I felt so crummy the night before, I almost called to decline the interview. I didn't though, and I had the best interview of my life with the warmest nursing administration, and I had such a strong calling of where I was suppose to be.

Have I ever told you why I want to be a labor and delivery nurse? With every experience in a labor and delivery, I've felt a sacredness that envelopes my little corner of the world. It is so special to help these moms welcome their sweet babes into a scary world. And it is so special to watch these moms comfort their screaming babies, because it's not so scary after all with mom protecting you. Sure, there's a lot of nursing responsibilities that fit outside this perfect window, but it's the minutes that baby comes out and howls on mom's chest that I live for. It's the reason why labor and delivery is my dream job.

Two weeks later, the nursing manager called me and offered my dream job to me. I couldn't believe it was real life. I passed my drug screen, background check, vaccinations, references, and received my schedule for orientation. 12 weeks of varying day and night shifts.

Have I ever told you why I didn't want to be a mother? This world is a scary place. A scary place with lots of scary people and scary experiences that I don't want my children to face. I'm terrified every day of falling short from protecting, teaching, growing, being patient with, mothering my children. I'm terrified of not being a good mother. When I finally held my baby girl in my arms, I finally knew that all I needed to do was to pray a lot and try my best.

I could not feel more unsure of my situation. Jeremy and I have always wanted to raise our own children. We've struggled from the beginning, but we've made it work with a few sacrifices. With this job offer, I felt so uneasy and unsettled. For the next week, I bawled through phone calls of daycare inquiries and tours. I laid in bed with Jeremy and bawled through questions of whether they would love my Millie babe the same way I do. We prayed lots and I did my best.

In the end, I declined the job offer for labor and delivery. While this wasn't an easy decision, I had to take a step back and ask myself what I really wanted in life. I'm 22 years old. I married the love of my life, and all my dreams came true with him. I am a college graduate with a blooming career. I am a mom, and I get to raise beautiful children. I'm so blessed with what He has placed before me. I want to be in the home and grow my children. It will only be another decade that I get to snuggle their sweet faces and kiss their toes and teach them about bugs and the temple and being polite. And after that, I'll have years to work. I'll have years to get my dream job offer again.

But I don't you to think that I don't already have my dream job.

Millie babe and I at Scarlett's first ultrasound