a note on clarity

It's funny how sometimes all your dreams come true but they didn't work out how you imagined it and you forget how blessed you are. A few weeks ago, I started my new job on the mom-baby unit at IMC. I was so excited and couldn't believe I got to work with moms and babies all day long. That same week, I interviewed for a job on the labor and delivery unit for the University Hospital. I felt so crummy the night before, I almost called to decline the interview. I didn't though, and I had the best interview of my life with the warmest nursing administration, and I had such a strong calling of where I was suppose to be.

Have I ever told you why I want to be a labor and delivery nurse? With every experience in a labor and delivery, I've felt a sacredness that envelopes my little corner of the world. It is so special to help these moms welcome their sweet babes into a scary world. And it is so special to watch these moms comfort their screaming babies, because it's not so scary after all with mom protecting you. Sure, there's a lot of nursing responsibilities that fit outside this perfect window, but it's the minutes that baby comes out and howls on mom's chest that I live for. It's the reason why labor and delivery is my dream job.

Two weeks later, the nursing manager called me and offered my dream job to me. I couldn't believe it was real life. I passed my drug screen, background check, vaccinations, references, and received my schedule for orientation. 12 weeks of varying day and night shifts.

Have I ever told you why I didn't want to be a mother? This world is a scary place. A scary place with lots of scary people and scary experiences that I don't want my children to face. I'm terrified every day of falling short from protecting, teaching, growing, being patient with, mothering my children. I'm terrified of not being a good mother. When I finally held my baby girl in my arms, I finally knew that all I needed to do was to pray a lot and try my best.

I could not feel more unsure of my situation. Jeremy and I have always wanted to raise our own children. We've struggled from the beginning, but we've made it work with a few sacrifices. With this job offer, I felt so uneasy and unsettled. For the next week, I bawled through phone calls of daycare inquiries and tours. I laid in bed with Jeremy and bawled through questions of whether they would love my Millie babe the same way I do. We prayed lots and I did my best.

In the end, I declined the job offer for labor and delivery. While this wasn't an easy decision, I had to take a step back and ask myself what I really wanted in life. I'm 22 years old. I married the love of my life, and all my dreams came true with him. I am a college graduate with a blooming career. I am a mom, and I get to raise beautiful children. I'm so blessed with what He has placed before me. I want to be in the home and grow my children. It will only be another decade that I get to snuggle their sweet faces and kiss their toes and teach them about bugs and the temple and being polite. And after that, I'll have years to work. I'll have years to get my dream job offer again.

But I don't you to think that I don't already have my dream job.

Millie babe and I at Scarlett's first ultrasound