a child's prayer

Heavenly Father, are you really there?
Pray, He is there
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?
Speak, He is listening
Some say that Heaven is far away.
You are His child
But I feel it closer around me as I pray.
His love now surrounds you
Heavenly Father, I remember now
He hears your prayers
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
He loves the children
"Suffer the children to come to me"
Of such is the kingdom,
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.
the kingdom of Heaven.

So grateful to have a calling in primary, to learn all these beautiful primary songs.
On any given Sabbath, there's a good chance I'll be tearing up during singing time.
The words of this song means so much to me, as I often ask:
Heavenly Father, are you really there? Do you really hear me when I pray?

I feel that becoming a mother has really strengthened my relationship with my Father in Heaven.
I watch Amelia throw tantrums and strain to understand,
and wonder if Heavenly Father watches me cry and struggle.
I watch Amelia spit out her veggies and sneak in her bribe,
and wonder if Heavenly Father watches me ignore His promptings and choose what's convenient for me.
I watch Amelia grow physically and mentally, beaming with pride,
and wonder if Heavenly Father beams with pride as He watches me develop and mature.

As I wrap my arms around Amelia when she comes to me,
I know Heavenly Father surrounds me when I go to Him.
As I point out different suggestions to Amelia,
I know Heavenly Father guides me.

I'm so blessed to have a loving Father, to be trusted to raise one of His children, to have the knowledge of prayer, to have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I'm just so blessed.

crossing.

i've been struggling with how to say this.

but this is my safe place, right?
remember how proud I was of myself for getting a job?
remember how happy and relieved I was?

a few weeks on my own, and I'm learning bounds: wound care, priority setting, patient and family education. the kind that really couldn't be taught in nursing school, couldn't really be simulated in lab.

I'm also learning about bullying. where a new nurse stands with an experienced nurse. where I don't really know how to say anything about it. where I just miss my nursing friends so much, and wish they all worked with me.

then there's how much I see my Jeremy. those five minutes we switch vehicles, and Amelia squeals when she sees us kiss. and I drive to work, getting all choked up listening to love songs on the radio by myself. or when I get home after sunrise and meet him in bed, but he's about to get up and start his morning. we flirt and maybe more through text quite often, and talk on the phone during our breaks, but it's not quite the same.

and Amelia. I wonder if she notices. I know she doesn't deserve a tired mama, who isn't quite as alert and oriented. the other day she ran towards the doorway. "Millie, where are you going?!" I exclaim. "DAD!" she yells back. ah.


it's hard to complain when I look at my paycheck.
when beautiful, new dresses come in brown packages and I don't have to feel so guilty.


but how do I justify this time I'm losing?
when I feel like there so much I can't teach my baby because I'm away.
when it's been so long, I just stare straight and can see my husband's lips in front of me.
is it worth the experience?
the golden year of experience, so I can get my dream job?
when sometimes you just get yelled at over and over for being late because you had to help someone else who was having an anxiety attack?
or your hall gets slammed with 3 admits, and one trickles down to you right before med pass, and you're working on care plans the entire night because you've never been trained on how to do them?

is it normal to be burnt out this early?
and what I'm describing isn't even that bad.
they just don't compare to my mom days.



then one day, a former-nurse patient told me that I have heart. that I will be that nurse that's always clocking out late, because I'm spending time loving my patients. and to not lose that through the years.

gosh, how do I not cry?


I've wanted to save lives for as long as I can remember.
But my life was forever changed the second I became a mom.


am I at a crossroads?

pioneer day

secret, not really a secret: I love parties. spur of the moment, Jenna and I planned a little barbeque for the 24th. Amelia spent the afternoon mowing the lawn. As soon as dad got home, we started cleaning and getting the pool ready.

 

Gosh, I love these two.
PS. Bosten only looks way bigger than Amelia because he's in a taller chair.

 

We watched our babes swim, cooked burgers on the grill, ate, laughed, played.

So happy to have Colten and Jenna as friends, and that our babes are so close in age. 

Only kinda sad we didn't get a picture of all 6 of us.
Thanks Fry Family for a perfect night. :)

Motherhood has been good to me. I have been feeling so blessed for my baby, so blessed that she chose us to be her parents. I spend most of my free time looking through her pictures from the last 14 months, unable to fathom how she has grown so quickly. Was she always this loud, curious, full of personality? Was she always this sweet? This helpful?

Gosh, she's learning so much and so quickly. She understands cause and effect. She understands "uh oh!" as a warning, and "just a minute!" when I need her to wait. She shows you her moves when she hears music. She smiles and waves often. Sometimes I just squeeze her; I love her so much I can hardly contain it.

I believe that Heavenly Father teaches us and guides us in subtle ways. And though we may feel heartache, we are able to learn important lessons, such as patience. I am grateful that I have my sweet baby to hold and to love and to nurture. I am grateful that we both have healthy bodies and I can continue to breastfeed for as long as we choose. I am grateful for my husband, who receives revelations for our family. In general, I just feel blessed for my knowledge of the gospel and understanding that Heavenly Father loves me.

Motherhood has been so good to me.

girl's camp 2013

As a convert to the LDS church, I've been grateful for my primary callings. I'm grateful to learn these foundations and principles of the gospel as I "teach" the class. However, ever since Amelia came into the pictures, I've been more concerned about her teenage years, when she's a young woman, when she is in a crucial, life-defining stage of her life and will need role models to strengthen her testimony.

 

God listened.

 

At the beginning of July, the stake young women's president called and asked me to be the stake camp nurse at girl's camp, the following week. The stars aligned, and I didn't have to work any of those nights, and we had willing babysitters. I was so excited for this amazing experience.

 

 

stake leaders' campsite

girls from the 10th ward, delivering truffula tree cupcakes.

 

um, tell me these aren't the cutest things ever?

The stake activity "the amazing race," where all the girls were running back and forth, ready to WIN (they got gold vs. silver vs. bronze painted oreo cookies. Intense right?) It was during this time I got patient after patient... oh you know, no big deal, I just assessed and wrapped a sprain arm, gave some pills, pulled out a tick, performed a neuro exam on a girl who fell on her head. Honestly, so happy I got to meet these darling girls in my stake one by one.

Also, I spend my downtime hanging out with the girls in my ward. Gosh, aren't they all so intelligent and beautiful? These girls have such strong, genuine, bursting testimonies and are so happy and willing to share; they made my whole experience at girl's camp! Proud to say I know all their names, and thrilled that they all wave hello at church, and offer to be babysitters for my baby. PS. They all tried to guess my age... averaging around 27. Hilarious, right?

4th ward, tie-dyed shirts!

pouring pouring rain at the end of the second night. 10th ward leaders made scones and had hot chocolate ready for all of us. I think I ate three scones. (don't judge me.)

 

 



We moved camp to the stake center a day early due to the rain, and flooded tents and wet clothes. The girls from my ward had their tents flooded and they missed out on their zip-lining activity, but they kept the most positive attitude. It makes me cry just thinking about it!

So grateful for the devotionals at camp, by both the stake leaders and the girls. So grateful to have met all the different wards in my stake. So grateful to learn about personal progress, and to start progressing toward these goals with the young women. So grateful for the conversations on motherhood and our gospel and how it all intertwines. So grateful to know that my Heavenly Father knows me individually and has tailored a life map just for me.

Gosh, how lucky am I to have found home.

happy birthday america!

 

 

 

I love Independence Day for what it represents: our right to speak, our right to worship as we please, our right to bear arms (Jeremy would say that that is debatable...) I so feel blessed for my freedom and agency. This fourth of July, I started with the Beat the Heat Half Marathon (#7). We joined with rest of the Bodtchers at the Murray Parade, where Amelia tried to pick up and eat parade candy, stole other people's seats, waved her tiny flag, met a fireman, stared her baby cousin Kohen down, clapped, and was an all-around ham! After brunch at the Bodtchers, we all had a nice nap before venturing to the Riverton fireworks. We were right in front of the fire station, so Amelia got to see the fire truck and sirens firsthand. Our busy-body enjoyed the fireworks every so often, but mostly crawled back and forth between grandparents.

 

PS. While we were laying in the dark together, Jeremy leaned in and whispered to me, "You get fireworks every year on our engagement anniversary. How well did I plan THAT?" Yup, that's my man, always planning... Geez, I can't believe it's been a whole three years! I'm so grateful for how blessed I am.

 

green smoothie ingredients:

handful of strawberries

handful of blueberries

2 handfuls of spinach

1 orange

1 serving yogurt

2 bananas, or 1 avocado

1 cup ice, for its fluoride

 

 

*I usually pour myself a glass. Sometimes my babe refuses to eat lunch, so I throw her veggies in the blender as well. I also add breastmilk into her sippy.

 

Amelia refused to drink her green smoothie the first time I presented it to her. I was persistent, and now she drinks 3 full seven ounce sippy cups a day. As we say around here, "it's delicious and nutritious" and it keeps us both happy and healthy.

 

note: Amelia said "delicious" twice the other day, and once again today. truth!